I am sunburnt. And have been since day one of arriving in Uganda.
Sunburn hurts.
Sunburn is uncomfortable.
Sunburn doesn’t go away fast.
Sunburn is not cool or fun.
Sunburn makes you hide (from the sun).
If I am being honest, sunburn is similar to my life right now.
I want to quit.
I want to go home.
I want to hide away from everyone around me.
I want to flee from my emotions.
They told us right before we left America that we will most likely hit this “B Zone” around halfway through. We will want to give up and not finish strong. Up until this month I would’ve said that I could make it all the way through without wanting to quit or it being “too hard”… I mean the Lord is my strength, right? HA. I even told myself as I was looking at some of Brooke’s letters she wrote me that I would get to the end of the 11 months without even touching the ones that say “Open When you’re tired” or “Open When you want to quit the missionary life” or “Open When you want to come home”.
Not even a week later, I find myself opening one up. God has a funny sense of humor, huh?
I find myself grasping for more of her notes now. I find myself crying out to the lord more and more for strength every. single. day.
I’ve hit the B Zone. I’ve hit it hard.
I am tired of loving hard and saying goodbye.
I am tired of eating rice, beans and potatoes.
I am tired of living out of a backpack.
I am tired of life happening at home that I’m missing.
I am tired of standing in the sun, getting sunburnt.
I grew up in the same place for 21 years. Of course I’m going to be homesick and wish I could hop on the next plane home. I don’t think these feelings are wrong.
But I do think that sitting in them for an extended amount of time is wrong.
So I let my team into my head and heart. With much encouragement, listening and checking in. I can now say I’m on the up and up. And praise the lord for that!
So life currently hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not cool or fun. It’s like a bad sunburn that won’t go away quite fast enough. But no matter how badly my heart longs for home, I know that God wants me here, to be present and to love everyone around me so hard. So that is what I’m trying to do. I sit with Him after a long day, asking questions and hearing Him speak into my life. And that’s what is getting me through.
He will sustain me through this tough season I’m in. I’m His everything, so why would I not give my everything, easy and hard, back to Him?
