It’s been a while since I have had a chance to post a blog but I have to share something.
This past Sunday, I was exhausted and decided to watch church from home. I got cuddled up on my couch with a cup of coffee and listened to the sermon from the week before from the church I went to when I was in Seattle (Bethany Community Church — if you ever have a chance to listen, they have a great range of messages on their website). It was a great message but there was one specific thing that stuck out to me, Pastor Eric Henderson recalled something a friend told him a few years ago. His friend said, “if how your spirituality looks is more important than the state of your spirituality; that is not faith, that is theatre.”
I felt so convicted by this because I have often found myself trying to show others that I read my bible a lot, or that I have a wide range of knowledge about God, or even that I am prepared for this trip. But, I am far from those things.
The reality is:
- I struggle with keeping a routine of reading my bible daily
- I struggle bringing my troubles and cares to the feet of Jesus, and instead regularly find myself in a cycle of complaining or feeling sorry for myself
- I struggle with being thankful in the storm of life
- I struggle with continually seeking Jesus in every part of my life
- I struggle with humility and the idea that I can do this on my own
But, despite all of my struggles and my failings…Jesus has promised me the following:
- Grace and forgiveness despite all of my failings (1 John 1:9, Luke 23:34)
- Pursuance of me even when I walk away (listen to the song “Known” by Tauren Wells as a reminder of this promise)
- He knows my heart and is constantly working on it. I may not always be thankful, but he is always working to show me why He does what he does, and showing me that He does really know what is best for me and my life even when it doesn’t seem like it (1 Thessalonians 5:18, Colossians 3:17, 1 Chronicles 16:34).
- I can’t be taken out of His hands – though I may walk away, or fail to seek Him daily. He will never give up on me, He will never let go of me, He will never deny me (Jeremiah 18:5-6)
- He will always stand beside me and guide me. I may think that I can do this on my own sometimes but no matter what He will always be there to support me, to protect me, and show me just how much I need Him, and He will knock me off my pedestal whenever I start to think that I am somehow better (John 5:30, Zephaniah 2:3, 1 Peter 5:5, 1 Chronicles 10:14)
Preparing for this trip has shown me a lot of the things that I am lacking when it comes to Jesus. I have already failed so many times in this process but God is continuing to work with me even when I am so resistant to his help. I keep wanting to be “prepared” for this trip not only with my gear or funding but also spiritually prepared. But I have realized how this is a lie from the devil himself; there is no way that I can be “prepared” for this trip. I can do many things to become closer in my faith, but I cannot be prepared for what God will do on this trip because I don’t know what that will be. He has great plans for this trip, for my team members, and for me. But, I need to give up this false idea that I can somehow become prepared enough to control the outcomes of situations on this trip.
So, as I continue to reflect on the state of my spirituality… I am going into the next few weeks asking myself if I am focusing on the look of my spirituality or the state of my spirituality. Am an actor or am I student? Am I being genuine in my words or am I compensating for my deficiencies?
Only 181 days left until we launch… I am far from prepared… but I am starting to see that I can’t be prepared, I can only be obedient.
