Many times, my depression has brought me to this place. Sitting outside at night. Sometimes in the evening, sometimes in the middle of the night, those dark hours before dawn. I sit in the darkness to look at the stars, the few that I can see. Even in all this darkness, God is still shining through.
Sometimes my best moments are under the stars. I love seeing how many more I can see when I’m camping in the mountains. I love how much more light I can see when there are less city lights. Less people.
My mind is glowing with city lights. There are so many things that I think will bring me fulfillment, satisfaction. Happiness. They are all artificial, all lies. None of them will bring me the beauty and awe that the stars will, even though they are much brighter than the stars. I try to chase down those city lights, and I always end up here. Sitting in the dark, looking at the stars.
But, tonight, I get to look at the stars above the lights of my new home. The warm lights give snapshots of life here. I can see the hammocks we lay in, the piles of shoes outside our rooms, and the every so often, I see one of my forty siblings dance in the dining room, or go to the kitchen to get a snack before bed. As the doors creak open and shut, I hear the laughter inside, or the quiet where a movie is playing, or a meaningful conversation is being held.
The best part, though, is that there are street lights against the gate. I sit with my back to those fluorescent lights to focus on the stars. By turning away from the city lights to the stars, my only option is to see our home. In a place where I sit to think about myself, I end up thinking about these people whom I love.
I see Savannah, Dan, and Madison take turns standing outside of a room while they play Black Magic. Carter, Ben, and Phillip skateboard back and forth to the kitchen. Several people go into their rooms for a sweatshirt or a blanket as the temperatures drop. I know there’s more than a few cups of coffee warming hands in the dining room. The comforting tranquility here is beautiful. Well, until team Abundance runs outside for their vulture dance (I say “vul,” you say “ture”), while squawking. That month in the Amazon jungle really did something to them.
I came out here to sit in my depression, but am now writing this blog, sitting in love for my home. I love how God focuses me on his light. I no longer need to only look into the stars to see him. Just like the moon reflects the sun in the nighttime, the followers of Jesus I live with reflect God. I can always look to my community when I’m sad, lonely, or in the dark. May you reflect that light to someone else, as well. May we all shine like stars in a darkened generation.
love,
kate
