in this post I am going to write about Caroline diel. Why? You say. Well it turns out I’m homesick. Really, really, really, homesick. It has been a total of two weeks apart and I miss her so freaking bad. I have only gotten one opportunity to hear her voice and it was over voice recording. Im sitting in kampong Thom 7 hours away from her crying because I want to be able to tell her things like how i eat bananas for every meal. I was journaling during my quite time and I wrote down two pages full of reasons why I want to embrace her right now. How not only do I was to love on her but I want to share goofy things normal things, and tell her all of my heart. a couple posts ago I wrote about leaving her and how God was starting to speak through that now here is a heads up of where I am at.
At debrief we (the racers) had to go through some questions to help us process. On the very last question it said “what makes you nervous” and that was the first time I knew in my whole life that one of the biggest things I was most nervous of was having a different experience than Caroline. Than growing in different ways than her.
Now living away from her I am experiencing those very things I feared so very much. I am having crazy wild different experiences than my twin. And we are for sure growing in different ways. Well despite all of that there is that big A word that comes with leaving Caroline, missing Caroline, and losing Caroline. Its ABANDONMENT.
Lets be real I shared this in my “my leg hair is longer than my head hair” blog I experienced some real deep abandonment but you know what, for real leaving her and moving 7 hours apart moved me real fast to the big B word…
BROKENNESS. Wow it hit me hard. I felt broken inside and out I truly thought I lost my identity. For real though I was hurting. Not like oh no I miss my twin, more like God is changing the shape of his vessel (me) and it doesn’t feel so good. I was desperate for more of the father even in my lose of self He was moving me closer to Him. Now the brokenness part isn’t over but I get to tell you that through the abandonment I was feeling, and the brokenness the lord was taking me through he is giving me a new identify. Not one that I find in my twin. Instead its one found in The Father. He is giving me restoration, and redemption. He is giving me a new birth and it feels so good. So yes I miss Caroline but what this all essentially boils down to is how good our God is. he is taking me through hard things with Caroline he is asking me to be okay with little communication with Caroline, for more communication with Him. He is faithful and even though I miss her Like crazy I’m choosing to look at what I got. That is wifi every weekend may give me the opportuniuty to send her a text. Or my squad leader Ashley who travels back and forth from me to her who can carry the letters I write her. Its all good guys and despite my sappy tears about missing her God is bigger and better. And yep he’s still my comforter.
thanks for reading best wishes!
kat
