I am not really quite sure how to start off this blog post quite honestly… so I am just going to be vulnerable and share one of my journal entries from last month.
“February 27, 2019.
Beautiful surrender
Is where I want to be
Beautiful surrender
Brings me to my knees
I give it all to you God
Every piece of me
As amazing grace
Plays behind me
I am broken but finally free.
I am sitting at the source café in Cambodia at mini debrief and I feel You tugging on my heart. You are asking me to donate $400 to one of my team mates who isn’t fully funded. You told me to donate to her back in Honduras and just like I told you no then, my answer is still no. On top of now asking me to donate $400, you want me to ALSO donate another $100 to another team mate?! Absolutely not. There is no way I am going to give away my entire budget for the rest of the race. I have no source of income and money doesn’t fall off trees here on the race. I only have $510 in my bank account and I am already over the amount I have budgeted for myself this month. I do not think you understand what You are asking me to do. You really want me to drain my bank account? I will only have $10 left for 6 months of living. No. Just no. God I can’t… I won’t. Ask me to do anything else, please, ANYTHING else and I will do it but not this.”
Madie (our squad mentor) began speaking and said, “What are you holding on to so tightly that God is asking you to come to Him with loose hands in complete surrender.” OUCH! Straight conviction (if you have ever been convicted by God then you would understand the gut-wrenching pain I felt in this moment)! I knew that was for me and God was speaking through her to get to me.
As soon as we started to worship I clearly heard God say, “Let go sweet girl.” So as my eyes began to fill with tears I reached in my bag and pulled out my wallet. First was the $400 and then the $100. I think I did the $400 first so I wouldn’t feel the sting as bad the second time with the $100. I sat there repeating the words, “I give it all to you God” and I truly meant it. God, You can have everything.
In my last blog I challenged my readers to ask themselves… when was the last time you had to fully rely on God? And I mean like 100% complete reliance. It was a great thing to challenge others in but I didn’t expect the next day to actually be living in it myself. I have no other option but to rely on God now because I have nothing. I sat there and sobbed just praising the Father. I now understand the people living in the villages on a completely different level. (By no means am I saying I can 100% relate, I never will truly understand what living in their lifestyle will be like).
Find me grateful,
Find me thankful,
Find me on my knees.
“This morning I prayed that the You would use me in big ways. That I wanted to be a part of a movement, of a revival. I wanted to be the person You use when You need to accomplish hard and holy things. I want to live radically for You. I am not content just staying in the boat, I want to be out there walking on water right next to You. So, as I am sitting here sobbing in The Source café, You are beginning to tenderly reveal why I had to do this. If I want to be used radically by You then I need to LIVE radically for You. So if that means giving away all my money to help other people then that is what I am going to do! I know You have never let me down before so why would You start now? I do not know what is going to happen from here on out but I know that if I NEED it, You will provide it!”
How cool would it be if we all lived life with God in radical obedience? What would the world look like if when we heard the voice of our Abba we listened and simply… obeyed?
God, grow my radical obedience!
Now, I am sitting at a different coffee shop called Harli Cafe, but this time I am in Albania. It has been exactly 10 days since I gave away $500 and thought my world was crumbling before me. Well guess what… I AM STILL ALIVE AND THRIVING! Every morning in my quiet times the Lord promised me He would be my provision for that day and to just trust Him. So, that is exactly what I did and boy let me tell you how my God is provision. I have had people donate money to me over the past couple days and I have officially raised the $500 back that I surrendered to the Lord. I am a living testament that if you give something to God, He will return it back to you 10x more beautiful than when you gave it to Him.
I encourage all of you to ask God what in your life you need to surrender… and then DO IT. One thing I am learning about doing life with God is just that, doing. When your actions begin to align with your faith you will be truly unstoppable!
