**Note: If you would like to save yourself some of the mental anguish that I experience sometimes over what I’ve seen, feel free to skip past the numerology links.
I am at Starbucks writing this blog post for the same reason I quickly abandoned Twitter: feeling too restricted and handicapped. I simply cannot construct an effective blog post in such a limited way, just as there’s no reason to limit the potential length of your post on Twitter when you have an unlimited capacity on Facebook (to my knowledge). A reconciliation talk with my housemate is out of the question, as I still feel the same way about what happened. If he was considerate at all, in my mind, he would have made an effort to check if the coast was clear, and if not, would have kept the volume level down to respect my rights as a housemate at midnight. “Don’t bang on my door again,” he ordered, not realizing that he had been doing the equivalent of the same thing for God knows how long, intruding into my personal space and eardrums.
This freedom-loving aspect of my personality also spills over to my career; any type of restriction is an abomination. Call when you’re going into the school, call when you leave. You have to be here at this time, you have to wear this. You have to study this before interviews; do this, don’t do this. Clean up your social media, take down your opinions. If you don’t do these things, you won’t get hired and can’t make an adequate salary, they say. “Cool tips” on how to make an effective resume, as a man at a workshop I once went to said. This pretty much made my blood boil on the spot, and I left soon after that, even though I had been saved for a while at that point. It doesn’t sound like advice at all, but “limitations of adult life” that we all must accept when we “grow up,” as others have told me. “It’s hard,” as a Christian Facebook friend once said, to have any type of real job and freely exercise your First Amendment rights, as I found out at my last one.
Is this an opinion that I “love freedom”? No. Believe it or not, if you put your full name at birth into a numerology calculator, it reveals numbers that tell you about your personality. Among my core numbers is 50 for my name number. If you research more and look for the meanings of this double-digit number, one site says “It is a high octave 5. It is extremely freedom-loving and versatile. It is open to new ideas, and is willing to take a chance. It sometimes has sexual hang-ups.” This corroborates another independent source that, under 50, says I can “succeed in any field.”
This was shocking to read because, well, it’s true, and people could tell you that. Who are some others with this number in their reading? Off the top of my head, George Clooney, Kid Rock, Muhammad Ali, John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Raquel Welch, Jennifer Aniston, Carl Jung, Charlie Sheen, one of my former friends from UT Austin who is also a Ron Paul supporter. People who love liberty and freedom. Many of these can be found under the “famous people” section at forevernumerology.com, and any name (full name at birth) can be put into Buess’ calculator to find out the different numbers.
Is this anti-Christian heresy? I wouldn’t say that, either. As I’ve mentioned before, in my first post, God makes an analogy of me to Jacob and how He’s going to be my shield on my trip. Later, in another, He says that Jacob saying he has everything because he has God is a “note too high for carnal minds,” which to me is another blatant reference to me. While I hold The Bible as the highest authority, as I’ve mentioned before, I also value some of this information that I’ve learned by scavenging the internet.
On that note, what do me, George Washington, and this guy have in common?
Well, if you put our names into the same calculator, it reveals 88. What are some of the characteristics of 88? Challenges people in positions of authority to the extreme, passively resists authority, dislikes permanent company with any girl/guy and company in general, broods in solitude, dislikes working just for money, has a power complex, reads books on religion, philosophy and mysticism, which spoils financial prospects (time lost like this). The ones included that are not in that link can be found in a book called “The Heart of Numerology” by Lynn Buess, the same guy as at that website. For each double-digit number that is found in the calculator, it lists a ton of traits for each one and assigns it a name. 88 is “Divine Knowing.”
That doesn’t sound Christian, does it? After all, the apostle Paul said this:
Romans 13:2
Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves.
But, nevertheless, these are ingrained qualities that I have indeed had all of my life, if you asked anyone who knows me, so this isn’t a newfound deception or delusion, but shockingly true. What is the most alarming part of this, though? That it is listed as my “destiny” number, and, according to at least one site (forevernumerology.com), it says that I join some group, which to me implies the Illuminati. I still don’t accept this to be true and won’t believe it until I experience it. To suggest I have no control over joining them when I haven’t done so yet is silly; I would be more than aware. The only possible way this could happen, to me, is if the same pattern continues and I’m eventually funneled there because of my uncompromising nature, but I would have to renounce Christ to do so, and I don’t see that happening.
So when someone asks me if I have issues with authority, I should say “no duh, Divine Knowing, it is all on paper.” But no one would know what I’m talking about. If these qualities are inherently bad, then so was George Washington, and he must no longer be mentioned in Sunday School classes or church services, both in which I have heard him referenced and/or quoted.
Despite these cool facts, I have been undeniably, classically saved to anyone who still doubts. I was drawn into the church, cleaned, directed into my teaching career, and I get constant prompts to “develop the good habit of reading The Bible” from what I perceive to be as God on my phone, including today. However, the remnants of all these things that I’ve read remain, and there’s nothing I can do about it, so I guess in that respect it could be considered like a “virus,” as our pastor said filling your mind with other elements other than Christianity results in. It also leaves me wondering about what could possibly be coming. Although it would be nice to forget all about all that other stuff and just focus on The Bible, I unfortunately cannot and it causes cognitive dissonance often. While this can be a pain, I also value a lot of what I’ve learned about me, so I guess that’s just the way it is.
As I’ve pointed out on my Facebook page (John Evan Hess), I also find it interesting that I am supposedly in/approaching the best stretch of my life, and it is identical to the stretch of a relative, who is also a Christian, around the time of getting out of college (saved). I know these were “good times” and that they found their one and only around this time, so this is why I always say what I am expecting. How are these “vibrations” revealed? One source would be this numerology program, where you put in someone’s full name and birthday, revealing more information. After finding that one, I downloaded another program from Decoz Numerology (where the double-digit number list came from), and when you generate a report using the same information, the same results came up, at any age. Some people would call this “The World” (21/3). So, being shocked when I saw this the first time, about two years before my “world,” I was thinking, what job is it? What person is it? Where am I going to be? Am I moving to California? Is this a deception? Is it real? If it is real, is this a Christian “world” like my relative’s or something different? Am I still going to accept it if it is not? Well, so far, it seems to coincide, like I said, as in that time I was drawn into the church, saved, and mandated to read The Bible. Starting at Jumping World, I started thinking, is this the job? Is this her? What does this next link mean? What am I going to be doing in that stretch? I was expecting both to be completed when I got my teaching job, but was disappointed just like my last. Mental aerobics, to say the least.
So I guess only time will tell to get the answers that I want, but I take comfort that I am indeed saved, although I consider it to be a little irregular and get headaches over all this stuff often.
The last thing that I feel compelled to write about is the concept of forgiveness in The Bible, due to recent events with squadmates and, before that, my friends. First of all, I’m sorry that I am again seemingly breaking the command to address these things in private, which I plan to work on, but I’m just trying to give examples of my principles. My supposed lifelong friend, who I might or might not ever talk to again, told me when I was still doing my teaching training and driving around doing Uber/Lyft, struggling for survival, that he would cover my expenses to go to his wedding, which I figured was a no-brainer concerning having to be there. As I’ve talked about before, I had taken a stance where I wasn’t going to ask anyone else for help and wasn’t resorting to dishonest gain. As it got more apparent that I wasn’t going to be able to, he voiced his frustration about it and treated me like there was something wrong with me, applying pressure to “find a way to get money” and really making me want to go over the edge, already feeling intense pressure about just surviving and getting the training done. I told him when I would pay him back, partly judging by the vision I had already seen and expecting to be hired for my first teaching job in the fall, but he still revoked his offer and said that “if I didn’t get the money by (x) time and I couldn’t make it, he understood.”
Although my mom ended up paying for me to go and I didn’t want to spoil his day, I knew that things would probably never be the same. In my mind, it is inexcusable that when he is more than able to do it, not to mention he already said that he would and that he wasn’t even going to be losing his money but for a short time, that he would not and consider it an option to just have me not be there instead. Granted, I did not attend my dad’s remarriage a handful of years prior, which some criticized me for, but they did not fully understand my situation. I didn’t know if my car would make it because of the multitude of issues that it had in Lubbock, I was by myself and taking care of my dog who I didn’t want to fly, and I was going through severe depression as well.
He (my friend) is a Christian and became saved before I did, me not understanding it at the time, but to me this is just something that can never be fixed. He decided to retain hundreds of dollars for a short period of time instead of helping someone he supposedly loves and was going through a tough time, even putting more pressure on me instead. He essentially said, your friendship is not even worth this much, so why would I want to keep him around or forgive him immediately after that? He had plenty of time to consider what he was doing and choose people over money. That just tells me he doesn’t really care, and sure enough, he would have gotten the money back when I said. At this point, reaching out and showing he really cares might change things, but I don’t expect it. When I say “showing that you care,” ask someone to give up their money or their life, which I consider to be real sacrifice, and not just words. If and when I get married, if I have to participate in a big service (because of the desires of my wife), I plan on having my dad be the best man, and if I had the money, I would be “generous when I’ve acquired that financial success,” as I read about my birthday in a Numerology for Dummies book that I no longer have, with all of my family and friends. I just haven’t had the chance yet, and whenever I do have some, it seems like I give ten times more than what richer people do in responding to fundraisers, according to my sources.
So while I understand that in The Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor Jesus commands us to continually forgive because God forgave us, and He won’t do so if we don’t, I just don’t think that my friend really gives a flip about me from his actions, which he had a chance to prove, and that the plan appears to be to introduce me to new ones who I can relate to faithwise and remove others. It might be a little known fact that I would die for all of the people I care about, and when they don’t show anything near that in return, it really makes me wonder why I call them my friends. I’ve always felt that by default if you were presented with such a situation, you have to choose yourself, because if you didn’t you would be left with the guilt of choosing someone else over you. But it’s becoming more evident that many people just seem to have a lack of, caring.
I know that Jesus is the perfect teacher, His commands are not options, and as His slave I must do these things, but it doesn’t make it easier to do so to me. At what point do I draw the line? If a friend sells me out for money, like Judas did Jesus? If I had a girlfriend and my best, Christian friend cheated with her 77 times, do I still forgive every time?
I know the teachings, and Jesus says in order to be wise I must put them into practice, lest I be a fool. So while I think I would be one if I accepted some of these people back into my life, I have to learn to stop resisting and do it even if I don’t agree with it, as our pastor once said.
