Today marks two years since I first attended a service at First Baptist Garland, having taken the initiative after a big group of kids came into Jumping World shortly before that. It is a day I will always remember because it was the hour I first believed, receiving the Holy Spirit and, consequently, not being able to sleep for a few days afterward because of the unfamiliar feeling and rush of joy.
I have always been straightforward about this, and, as mentioned before, I wonder if this had anything to do with why I was fired, having described this experience vividly at dinner with the owner and his wife. I thought that this would bring excitement about a new member of the family, as they at least outwardly profess God, but it did not seem to, provoking the question of “I thought you said you weren’t into that?”. Sometimes I also wonder if my broadcasting of the personal message I received after getting hired at the next job or my favorite worship songs has the same effect, and if it does, that is just an unfortunate consequence, because those things profoundly affected me.
Either way, everything is going to plan. Although it might not be the gentlest way to go about it, every time someone ventures to my page, they are forced to read that and take a personal inventory of their beliefs and any potential actions they should take in the future to align with the truth. For them to say that no one ever told them would be a lie and a cop out, continuing in their own way instead of God’s. It even asks, “Are you afraid of Hell,” which I found touching because I expressed this sentiment to a Hollywood-type person who has no such fear.
I do not want to keep this to myself, but have them share in it and bring others to knowledge of the truth. When I see a liquor bottle in the freezer, it literally makes me start to feel nauseous. When a beer got placed on my rack in the refrigerator, my instinct was to pick it up and throw it. This is the disgust I also feel whenever I am on an UberEATS trip and have to venture into a bar to pick up orders, taking in the smoke and seeing the alcohol and alcohol-influenced people. It is crazy to me how not too long ago I was regularly sitting in such venues, seeing it as normal and playing poker. Blind people do not realize they are blind, and diseased people do not realize they are diseased.
I am trying to figure out the best way to approach my roommate in my house about this. On the one hand, it drives me crazy that he gets drunk and yells while playing his video games, seemingly having no regard for me being there. On the other hand, I am concerned for him and his eternal security, not only because of the substances, but because I’ve come back into the house in times he wasn’t expecting to him playing music that made me wonder. I personally know how empty a life can get without Christ and that this is where you really find the answers. It might be a wonder to others why people like Chester Bennington or Anthony Bourdain would take their own lives, being high-profile celebrities who seemingly have it all, but it is as clear as day to me: the lack of true happiness and relationship with Christ, which nothing else can fill. As of now, I plan on leaving him a note when I leave for my trip describing my faith and encouraging him to seek God.
Otherwise, progress has been good towards my trip, balancing fundraising, working out, reading The Bible, and driving for Uber/Lyft. I have gotten to know another classmate from Master’s Men (my Sunday School class) in a more personal way, going on a walk through a local park/neighborhood that reminded me of my love for the wilderness and how I always seem to get more energy when I am in this setting instead of the gym or the city. I hope to continue this weekly. His opinion was that it is not that others don’t believe in me or what I’m saying but concern for my safety, which I hadn’t thought of but still have a hard time believing. God already said He is going to be my shield, as related in my first post, and I don’t give that any other thought. What I do think about is the money, that they aren’t Christians and so they can’t realize that it’s real, or perhaps other selfish reasons about the calling itself, as one article suggested. In any case, I’m not stressing about it and know I shouldn’t be, as God has already told me I’m launching. I’m surprised that people still leave open other possibilities after I tell them this, but that’s just the way it is. I recently got another donation from a brother in Master’s Men and other churchgoers who just overheard me talking about it before the service started. I feel kind of awkward when I receive money from them, but I know I can’t do it on my own and that God designed it that way. I have placed as much as I can of my savings in so far as well, with more to come after taking care of the other things I need for the trip.
On that note, it is crazy how God orchestrates events in your life and the people He brings into it. Other seemingly random church members who I met just after getting saved a few years ago, one of which set me up in my current housing, had already heard of the Race as opposed to other people because the other administered shots to someone who was going on it a few years ago. They ended up contributing to her trip and following her journey, and they related to me that she really enjoyed it, quelling some of my suspicions after reading some negative reviews of the organization/trip online (that one of my relatives has also voiced concern about). I reassured my relative by telling her to look at the pattern of my previous employment, meaning that if on the off-chance I walked into something wrong, I would not hesitate to tell the world. But I do not think that is the case, as God has called me specifically to this one and I have confidence in Him. After learning about this connection, I met with this girl and discussed a wide range of topics pertaining to the trip and how I need to prepare, which I really enjoyed. I don’t know if I am saying too much, as there seems to be a general rule of secrecy concerning what goes on at training camp, but she said to expect to eat exotic food. I am also going to receive my vaccinations from who she got hers from and feel I am in good hands with her level of expertise.
Bible reading has been going well, and it is fun to read things that I have already heard in songs or elsewhere but didn’t realize exactly where it is from. I have read through the four Gospels and am planning on finishing up the letters today, as well as the whole New Testament hopefully by tomorrow. One of the roadblocks I felt that I had before is that I didn’t fully understand who each character is and what the context is for each book. I have gotten a lot of assistance from a book that I purchased for an event at the church with a guest speaker who runs through the whole thing in about three hours, mostly for a younger audience, although I left very early. Although I felt bad about this because I met other people there, I could not stand to participate in the antics that the speaker was asking me to, I guess hoping for a more straightforward, academic-type lecture. I am going to try to work a little on this, as Jesus says I must become like a child again, but I chalk it more up to being a more serious, no-nonsense type person. I look at the fundraisers that others must have pulled from the same place, like $11 on the 11th of the month, and also don’t approve. Nonsense. But another fact about my birthday is that I “provoke people to thought,” just like C.S. Lewis, so I hope that’s the case. The girl I met with was a team leader, and I hope to be elected to the same.
Although I have pretty much retreated from all relationships for about the last ten years because of being burned in the past and am still cautious, I am looking forward to meeting my brothers and sisters at training camp in three months. My original plan was to never get into any of any kind ever again and live a solitary life away from everybody else for the rest of it, but this is not practical and not what God desires, so I will do what He commands and reopen the possibility for pain from them in the future.
