The first week in Honduras was tough for me spiritually/emotionally. I quickly realized I wasn’t just feeling on edge and emotional for no reason. God is continuing to renew my heart and that’s not always a smooth process. In order for God to make us the person He created us to be, He needs to reveal our brokenness to us so He can help us work through it.
“Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water” -Hebrews 10:22
As I’ve said before, at training camp for the World Race, the Lord revealed to me that my entire life I was living in a state of feeling like I was never enough. I was always striving to be “more” than who I naturally was created to be. During the week, God also made me understand how much He loves me. He showed me how great His love is for me (and for each and every person) so I could begin to understand that I shouldn’t be living a life striving to be someone I’m not. He created me to be ME, so why try to change who I am? It’s actually offensive to the Father to try to be somebody different because He created me/you so uniquely and with a specific purpose in this life.
Fast forward 6 weeks later, I launched for the World Race. Day one in Belize, I began feeling the same self doubts I’ve always lived with- not feeling like I was good enough, specifically in this case, to serve a purpose on the World Race in ministry. I kind of pushed these feelings aside for the month but they came up again during all squad debrief, which was at the end of the month. I was battling lots of negative self talk. These feelings continued into traveling to Honduras. By the second day of ministry in Honduras, I felt depleted and like I legitimately had nothing to give at ministry. I was on the verge of tears in the morning and asked to stay back the first half of the day to spend time with Jesus. God was making this such a burden to me so it would be clear that I needed to deal with it so He could end the feeling of “not being enough” once and for all. I sat and listed all the things that God says I am: enough, more than enough, strong, kind, known, beloved, a daughter of the most high King, special, bold, etc. After spending time with God and talking with my mentor, Madie, I was feeling a lot better. Over the next few days I still struggled. Sometimes God allows us to struggle to build our endurance and our faith in Him.
After those few days, I was sitting and reading a book called “Secrets of the Secret Place” (highly recommend). I was practicing praying through scripture and one verse that stuck out to me was:
“What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.” -Psalm 84: 5-7
The book was asking us to pray to God thanking Him for the current valley we were in and praise Him for it. Praise Him that he is enabling me to turn my valley of darkness into a place of springs and pools.
Another verse that caught my attention was:
“For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, what JOY for those who trust in you.” -Psalm 84: 11-12
I’ve already learned that God grows our faith through suffering at times, but while reading these verses, He took this from HEAD to HEART knowledge. Instead of sitting in my brokenness being sad, I was thanking God for this current valley I was in. He’s making me stronger and shaping me so I can live out the specific purpose He has for me. If I TRULY believe that we serve a God who is good, why should I be down and sad for the state He currently has me in? When you know you serve a GOOD Father, you don’t have to worry if what you’re going through is for your benefit or not. He always wants what is best for us.He showed me that going through this period of suffering will allow me to experience more of Him. He needs to completely renew my heart in order for me to be living in freedom. I’m grateful for my God who loves me so deeply and specifically. Sometimes I can’t believe how the Lord has changed my life in the past 2 1/2 years!
Next I’ll be writing about our ministry this month, working with disabled adults. Stay tuned!
I love you all! Thank you for your support 🙂
