I’m only a few short days from the thing that’s been on my mind all year: Home. Surprisingly enough, I never seriously considered coming home during the year. I actually thought I would, and I had thought extensively before the Race about how I would stop myself from coming home when those thoughts came up. But they didn’t. Because here’s the thing. The World Race is a wild and crazy 11 months, but it’s also just 11 months. It’s normal life for me, but it’s just been lived in many different countries. Good and bad things have happened just like in any other year of my life.
And I want you to know how I’m feeling about home to help you try to understand. All year, I have been nothing but excited and ready to come home. Not ready in the sense that I wasn’t present where I was, and I knew from the very beginning of the Race that this year was very important for spiritual growth and change in perspective, but I pretty much knew I wasn’t called overseas long-term after the Race. This year has been incredible for so many reasons. I have learned SO MUCH and seen SO MUCH, and I honestly can’t wait to bring those things back home. All year I’ve been excited. But now with only days left before coming home, I have to admit I am a little scared too. But still TOTALLY ready to be home.
I’m scared of how I will react to everything. I don’t think I’ll necessarily have issues readjusting, but I also have NO IDEA. I’ve never been out of the country for 11 months and have never experienced most of the things I’ve experienced this year. I’m positive there will be some things I naturally readjust to and some things I don’t know how to handle anymore. And I simply do not know how I will react. I could be crying every day and struggling with how to live life in America or I could be perfectly fine and readjusted rather quickly with not a lot of feelings. I DON’T KNOW. I seemed to adjust quickly to life in each country, but maybe Month 12 and beyond will be a completely different adjustment that isn’t as easy. PLEASE GIVE ME GRACE. I don’t know if going to Walmart is going to overwhelm me simply because of the thousands of choices or how I’m going to feel driving my own car again on streets that actually have rules. I’m not sure if I’ll want to be around people all the time like I have been on the Race or if I’m going to want lots of alone time. I can’t tell you if I will miss the World Race and if I will be crying all the time or just be plain happy that I’m home and not miss it at all. If I react to something in a way that seems weird to you, just ask me about it. Maybe I simply need to process something.
I’m scared about how much I’ve changed and what that means in my relationships. I don’t even know how much I’ve changed, and the people who know me the most will be the ones able to tell what’s different about me. I can’t really tell right now the extent of how I’ve changed. There are some things I KNOW are different about me, but I am sure there are little perspective shifts or attitudes or thoughts that I won’t even know are different until I’m surrounded by friends and family. And the reason that scares me? What if no one around me thinks like me anymore, and I’m left to go at it alone? Yes, yes, I know I’m not alone. I know I have God. But what if everyone thinks I’m crazy for viewing something differently because they haven’t experienced what I have this year, and people who were in a similar spot to me before to help encourage me aren’t there anymore? It sounds silly, but I said I was going to be honest with you.
I’m scared people will disappoint me. HA. I know they will. I know we are human and bound to disappoint people in our lifetimes. I’ve disappointed people FOR SURE. But I am scared people won’t really care about my year at all or they simply won’t know how to ask about it even if they do truly care. It’s just a little hard to put 11 months in a nutshell. But then I also don’t expect everyone to care about all the details. That’s a lot of details. And I know you weren’t there with me. I know you can’t fully understand what things were like or even care what things were like when your own experiences this year were so different.
I guess I just want you to think about this: If someone asked you how your last 11 months have been, what would you say? That’s a really hard question to answer. I mean, 11 months is a long time. You obviously have amazing moments, horrible moments, funny memories, and everything else that makes up almost a year of life. I can’t wait to talk to you all about my year, but I’m probably not going to know how to respond to “How was it?” Now obviously, that’s a question that probably is the first one to come to mind, so it’s okay if you ask that. I can’t wait to tell you all about this last year, and I can’t wait to hear about yours, but I simply have no idea how to answer “How was it?” SO PLEASE GIVE ME GRACE.
I have so many feelings, so many experiences, so many thoughts, that I can’t simply say “It was good, how was your year?” because there were moments I absolutely hated. Moments I absolutely loved. Moments I wanted to be home. Moments I felt overwhelmed by a sense of thankfulness for this year. I just don’t know how to sum it up.
And I love questions. Being asked questions is one of the ways I feel seriously loved. I am a details person. I want to know details about other people, and I love being asked the details. So I want you all to know, I LOVE QUESTIONS. Don’t be scared to ask me any question because I’m open to talking about anything that has happened in the last 11 months for as many minutes or hours as you wish.
But also, I know all of you know me on different levels. You might be reading this blog and only have talked to me for 5 minutes in your life. Clearly, I don’t expect you to ask about all the details, and that is perfectly fine. I won’t share every detail with every person. But I do hope I can share things like what I’ve learned about God, things I’ve learned about myself, what team leading and squad leading was like, ministries we got to work with, and my perspective on different things. And for some of you, I can work on a 5-minute answer in these next few days, and for others of you, I could spend hours telling you about this year (and more hours hearing about your year). And if you are close to me and don’t know how to ask me about this year, TELL ME. If you feel like we are having trouble connecting when we never had trouble before, I just want to know. One thing this year has taught me is to simply get things out in the open and talk about them.
And despite my fears, I am so pumped to be home and get to see my people. I’m pumped to start doing the things I’m passionate about. I’m pumped to not live out of a backpack and to start forming deeper relationships in one place instead of moving around constantly. I’m ready. I just don’t know what it will look like, and I know it will take time to readjust and talk about this year, and I want you to know that in advance. Now that that is out of the way, HOME HERE I COME!
