Ghana has just been a crazy month. We are much busier than we were in Cote d’Ivoire, but it’s been really good and challenging and crazy and fun and filled with a lot of joy. For the past two months, we have had an alumni team leader with us who has done the Race before and is meant to help us along as we get used to life on the field. After two months, all the alumni team leaders go home, and new team leaders are raised up from within my squad. I still can’t really believe it happened, but I was asked to be the new team leader for my team of six. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What?
So last Monday we walked to school and just as we were about to go inside, my alumni leader pulled me aside and said that leadership (mentor, coaches, squad leaders) had prayed about it and confirmed that I was the one who should lead (if I was willing). I told her I would pray and think about it and give her an answer later. To answer the probable question in your own mind, I did say yes!! It was just super weird because I legitimately questioned throughout the day if that conversation had truly happened. I had told my teammates I would be super interested to know after we found out who the team leader was if the one chosen would feel like God had been nudging them towards that position because many times, whoever the leader is already knew in his or her heart they were supposed to do it. Welp, I was completely taken aback because I did not think it would be me at all. Some of my insecurities about being completely inadequate were mostly the reason I was surprised.
When I signed up for the Race, I was stoked about traveling the world with so many other people who also love Jesus. But doing that very thing has actually stirred up some difficult feelings in me – feelings of inadequacy, lack of worth, and so much comparison, mostly due to the vastly different ways people practice their faith and how they interact with God. Some people grew up in very charismatic churches whereas my church was very traditional, so there are just huge differences in how we view things and experiences we’ve had. These differences are not negative or unbiblical at all, but some of the things I have encountered so far have been very foreign to me and have made me question my own faith. Back home, I feel like most people practice their faith very similarly to mine because we have similar backgrounds. I was and still am open to how other people practice their faith because there is not one correct way to do it as long as it agrees with Scripture, and I think I have SO MUCH to learn from my squad mates. Yet I think those differences have been shedding a lot of light on my identity crisis, so to speak.
At home, I know what I’m good at, and it was easy to do those things only. If there’s anything I’m bad at, I can easily avoid it if I want. That is not the case here. You think you’ll be bad at preaching? That’s too bad because you’re preaching whether you like it or not. You do whatever the hosts ask you to do and even if you are not under a host, you are under World Race leadership, so you do whatever they ask you to do. Not to say I never have choices here, because I definitely do, but I can’t nearly as easily avoid the things I don’t feel like doing. GROWTH at its finest. But when one teammate is really good at those things you could’ve easily avoided back home, it’s easy to start comparing.
I feel like the things I’m good at are what make me me. Here, many of the things I’m good at have been stripped away in a sense because there is always someone else on the team good at the same thing who does it better or who was put in the position of leadership for that thing. I know my worth is not based on whether I’m good at something or put in a certain leadership position. I know my worth comes from God alone. Because I was created in His image, I have inherent value completely separate from my behaviors and my gifts and my degrees and my titles. I know that. But when all the things you normally are known for being good at are suddenly not noticed at all, I guess it’s just been a little rough. It’s been hard for me to hear other teammates getting praised for things I know I’m good at. Well, if there’s always going to be someone else on my team who is already good at everything I can offer, then why am I even here?
I guess I am still working through figuring out my value and my gifts and how what I am able to offer is something no one else can. I am really excited to see how God reveals my worth to me even more over this year and especially through team leading, even if I lead for one month or nine. I also know my worth does not come from team leading, and my identity is separate from my title as a leader, yet I’m excited to discover more of my gifts and more of my identity through this role.
Also, don’t worry, I don’t hate myself. I actually think I’m pretty cool, but I can easily forget my worth when I’m surrounded by other people who are so gifted and also super cool, so there has been a learning curve! I promise I’m not crying myself to sleep every night because I think I’m bad at everything!! I just have needed to remind myself a whole lot more of who God created ME to be as part of the body of Christ. He loves me just because I am me, not because of what I can accomplish or do, and I’m working on applying that truth into my every day life.
We leave for Togo on March 9 and will be staying in Lomé with two other teams. On the last day of March, we leave Africa for Thailand! Below is a picture of my kindergarten class and our hosts in Ghana, Abigail and Calvary – I will miss these people!!!
