We officially made it to Ghana on February 5th after a 14-hour travel day. So here I was, all prepared for travel days. Previous World Racer blogs spoke of travel days gone wrong where what was supposed to be a 10-hour bus ride turned into a 50-hour bus ride or something else crazy along those lines. I like to be prepared as much as possible, so I was all ready for what was supposed to be a 10-hour bus ride to be at least 15. We all woke up at 3:30 the morning we left Cote d’Ivoire as our bus would be coming at 4:30. The bus didn’t come until close to 6:30, but that was no problem for me as it was still dark and therefore not blazing hot outside, and I just laid against my bag. I also told God the day was going to be a good one and my complaints were going out the window. Whatever happens, happens. Hakuna matata.
Ok, so the bus comes, and we were told this was the bus that would take us all the way to our destination in Ghana. Wrong. We get to the bus station and are told to get off and go sit. I’m still fine, I mean whatever, I guess we can wait. A few hours later, we get on a different bus, and I think we are finally leaving, but we sat on the bus for a while at the station and then stopped at least three times in Abidjan to drop people off and fill on gas. Many stops and 6 hours later, and we are in Abidjan right next to where we were staying for the entire month. We drove all the way across town to the bus station only to end up right by our apartment where we started……ugh. Ok Jessica is trying not to be visibly upset right now. Like, you couldn’t fill on gas before loading the bus? I guess I was prepared for the actual bus ride to be longer than expected, but I was totally unprepared for not even leaving Abidjan for so long.
After the rough start, the rest of the journey was pretty smooth, and my frustration slowly died down (thank goodness). Though I had tried not to complain during the day, I’m sure a few complaints slipped out since I felt quite justified and passionate about how it should not take 6 hours for a bus to leave town (it really shouldn’t)…Later I was feeling convicted about my complaining since every other person on the bus experienced the same thing I did, yet they seemed to be laughing and having fun and not worrying about it like I was. I felt like this throughout the month as well, even though we had life so good compared to the rest of our squad – AC, a fridge, a real toilet, a real shower, beds. I found myself in situations where I felt frustrated about something and then was frustrated at myself for being frustrated at something so small. What a life – when you’re mad that you’re mad.
During debrief, I had a conversation with one of my squad leaders about how I felt like I got frustrated so easily, and she was able to help me think about things in such a different way. I tend to beat myself up a lot when I do something I’ve been trying so hard not to. For instance, when I get super frustrated about something I feel is a dumb thing to be frustrated about, I immediately wonder what’s wrong with me and I tell myself there’s something wrong with me and no one else feels that way and why am I being so impatient and not having joy in all circumstances.
My squad leader pointed out that my being frustrated is a behavior. My behavior is completely separate from my identity. Even though I *know* Jesus loves me no matter what I do, and I *know* I have value, it doesn’t always sink in. I have head knowledge about my identity but not heart knowledge. And every time I get frustrated, I’m basically telling myself I’m a horrible person because of it. I AM NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE I GET FRUSTRATED. I am unconditionally and fully loved by God NO MATTER WHAT I DO.
How different would things be if I would stop thinking I’m such a horrible person every time I’m frustrated? Because I am cleansed of all sin through the blood of Jesus, sin, including frustration, does not define me or change how much God loves me. God obviously don’t want me to keep sinning or being frustrated, but I think I’ll be able to stop being so frustrated if I’m focusing on Jesus and how much he loves me rather than trying over and over again to stop being frustrated. Don’t we always try to improve ourselves on our own strength? If I tell myself to not complain during the day, I usually find that I complained at some point. I can’t do it if I don’t first have a loving relationship with the Lord. I want to be quick to confess my sin but quick to move on and quick to look to Jesus. Also, who’s to say (shout out to Lisa) that other people aren’t just as frustrated as me but just don’t show it in the same ways I do? I’m not the only one who gets frustrated, so I’m done beating myself up over it!
I don’t have it all figured out; in fact, I’ve still gotten frustrated a fair number of times since that conversation, but at least I can try to change the way I think about my frustration and my identity and why I’m truly frustrated since we also talked about how there’s usually a deeper root to frustration. I’m learning how to deal with frustration because I don’t think it’s something I’m supposed to just sweep under the rug, but I don’t want to beat myself up over it either. Frustration is a behavior, not how I’m valued and definitely not my identity.
More to come in my next few blogs on what is happening in Ghana! WiFi is more inaccessible this month but I will still be writing blogs all month and just posting them as I’m able.
