My heart is for people. I love meeting new people, getting to make them smile and learning about their lives. This last month has only brought that to the light more with each encounter. My heart aches for them to been seen, for each person I meet to know how they are valued and loved and not just by me but by God. Honestly the ache and desire I have for this doesn’t feel like it can be translated into words easily. I have spent time sitting and crying to God for the faces and the souls of these people. That when my team walks past them they will see a difference in our lives. I love and hurt deeply for people.
The last few days though I have realized some things about myself. While I know the love I have for others, I have been trying to love in my own power, I love with my heart and pour that out to people but I don’t allow myself that same blessing. I know that I have always been resistant to receive love for myself. From people around me and even more of a gut punch from the Lord. Y’all my whole life I have been told that God loves me and I know that but I don’t allow myself to feel and be loved. While I have a desire to be loved I would rather be last. I want others to receive that before myself. But my God is big enough to love everyone, even me.
Yesterday morning, I was on the rooftop of our hostel and had a gut punch from God that I wanted to share. I was looking down at the people below and watched a woman and a Buddhist monk. She brought her offerings to him and bowed down and the monk blessed her. Not an uncommon thing here but I felt so sad for both of them. Knowing the hopelessness in giving and praying to a hopeless god. God in that moment gave me a gentle revelation. A monk’s life goal is to give up everything that they have to live a lesser life in service to Buddha. Constantly giving up to a god that has nothing to give him. When I refuse love from others and God, I am treating my God like buddha, I am telling Him well I know factually you are big enough and all but… God whispered, but I am bigger you are telling me that I can provide for everyone else but that to you I am just like buddha you can pray to me and love me but I cannot love you back? I am the great I am. I am big enough to love you and through that give you more love to give, but you are denying me that. I am thankful that God gently allows us to come to Him. So here’s to learning to be loved, by my God, my team and those around me. Because Jesus’ heart beats for me the same way my heart beats for others, honestly more than my love.
Love,
Jenna
