i want to talk about labels for a second.
when i think about who i am, the label “christian” does not cross my mind.
anymore, that is.
i love the Lord. i love the heck out of the Lord. but im not a christian.
i say im not a christian because God has never referred to me as “christian.” He refers to me as child of God. His beloved. His disciple. His baby. simply..His. and as Jaynna.
never once has He called me christian.
when i pick up the label christian and put it on, i feel shame. i feel like i can’t do anything right. i don’t feel like i’m worthy enough to be in the presence of God. i feel like i have to view life as a weighted scale of who has done what.
in swaziland about 8 months ago, my girls who i was team leading and i, decided to have an all night worship night outside in the training center that had no windows or doors. and i was outwardly excited but inwardly, it just gave me anxiety. i feel it rn actually just thinking about it. i didn’t want to go, not because i didn’t want to worship the Lord but because being surrounded by “christians” when it comes to worshiping God comes with a lot more weight than approaching God on your own, as you are.
see, before this night, worshiping in community meant possibly being silently shamed for not raising your hands or not closing your eyes or not singing or not visibly being “touched” by God.
before this night, worshiping God was about me and the people around me, not God.
i would come into this space of expectation from others and myself. or i would come with my shortcomings and faults on the forefront of my mind and that approach blinded me from seeing who God is and who i am.
and the Lord put an idea in my mind before we began worshiping that night. He proposed: “what if you spent tonight thinking about nothing BUT Me? what if every time your mind starts to think about yourself or someone or something around you, you simply say no and direct your mind back toward Me? what if your sole purpose for this night was only glory to God? and if it didn’t give Me glory, you just say… no?.”
and i said okay. and every time i would slip or get anxious or insecure or begin to compare myself to another, i’d simply stop my thinking and change my heart posture back to glorifying God.
and then when the night was over, He asked me, “in what instance do you feel most natural? most like you?”
and i thought for a second and then i just started balling my eyes out. because the answer was, “in pure worship to You, God.”
ive never felt as natural and free as i felt that night. i felt alive for the first time since being in ethiopia. and i put the pieces together. ethiopia was when i fell in love with God. where i didn’t spend all that much time out of His presence. and it’s always been a mystery to me since because ethiopia was the only time in my life that i’ve genuinely felt alive alive. and feeling that again during this all night worship, revelated to me that worshiping God is who i am. it’s what i was created to do. it what wakes my heart up.
i do not feel shame when i’m with God. that doesn’t mean im not in the wrong in many areas of my life, it just means that the Lord is looking for something in me and about me that has no correlation to what i do or how i dress or what i say or who i hang around but it has everything to do with connecting my heart to His.
for a while, my label was -softball player. and when i think about my life as a softball player, i so vividly remember my failures. all anyone cared about was that fly ball i dropped or that 3rd strike i watched go by or that cut off i missed. and i feel that anxiety again rn thinking about it. because no one cared about the effort put into it or the mental blockages that were overcame. the softball world and label only reminded me of my failures.
and that’s how i feel as a “christian.” the only part of me seen is when i fail. when i cuss or don’t go to church or lose my temper or i’m selfish. but who cares about the amount of time and effort that’s been put into changing my way of thinking? or growth in empathy and compassion? or anytime im unselfish? the christian world and label highlights my failures.
2 years later and ive finally dropped both. and i come to the Lord just as jaynna, His child.
and He corrects me when i’m wrong, gently. He doesn’t ridicule me, shame me, or condemn me. that’s not who God is. He doesn’t remind me of my failures in a shameful way, He reminds me of them to help me find healing for them. He opens my mind. He allows me to be and when who i’m “being” is not glorifying to Him, He invites me to change my heart posture.
key word: invites.
He isn’t waiting off in the distance telling me “this” is how i should be, He’s holding my hand and teaching me every step of the way.
and i wanted to say this because i know so many people who view God as “christian.” they say they’re not worthy of being a christian because they do this or that or think this or that way. and i want to put that lie to death because it is so far from true. this way of thinking is a form of manipulation. the religion of christianity is what causes us to feel unworthy. relationship with God causes us to feel alive. it gives hope. it changes us in ways we would never think imaginable. it’s nothing like christianity.
sometimes i cry myself to sleep thinking about people in my life who have simply accepted going to hell. it breaks my heart. not because of the place of hell or the place of heaven but because of the lack of knowing God. the lack of not living in manner we were created to live in.
i pray you and we find God on our own. with no say from family or friends or christianity. simply as “jaynna and God.”
as “you!!! and God.”
who cares what they think. care what He thinks. it’s pure. it’s beautiful. it’s inviting.
text me, dm me, call me- i would love to listen and converse with you. about any part of this or anything else pertaining to relationship with God. or just anything in general haha
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