i feel myself falling in love again. the type of love i fall into when i become best friends with an african pre-teen. it’s pure. it’s fueled with fire. it’s really messy. it’s full of apologies. and misunderstandings. and let downs. it’s filled with a certain look of the eye. it’s completely frustrating. it’s completely full of emotion. it’s makes me overprotective. it’s fills me with a diverse sense of energy that never ever seems to run out. it makes me smile bigger than my face. it makes me cry. often. it consumes all my mind and all my time. it takes nearly every thought from my head. it slowly starts becoming my main priority. it rips my heart up while mending it together at the same time. it gives me access to perspective i didn’t have prior to the fall of it. it prods me to view the world through a lens i don’t carry myself. it breeds empathy and compassion, two emotions that i sometimes struggle to tap into. i feel my heart expanding. the first time i ever felt this way was toward my mom. i’ve felt it toward my sisters. it was and is extremely heavy toward my niece. toward my grandmother. toward my cousins. toward destiny mitchell. most recently toward my nephew. toward my ethiopian sister, milto. toward Mesekerem. toward 3 members of a preschool girl gang. to about 15 swazi boys. toward 7 women of God i initially refused to lead. it rips my heart up. i feel it toward the Lord. it’s interesting to feel it toward Him because He is the One in control of ripping it up and then turning around and mending it back together. my heart that is. what’s funny is, the ripping is actually what mends it. He mashes it up in His hands. throws it around. let’s it get dropped. picked up. kicked. kissed. let’s it get real dirty and then polishes it in a way where what was just unrecognizable, is completely beautiful. like nothing ever seen before. that drops your jaw to your chest and leaves you speechless. when this happens to me, i speak less. not because i don’t have anything to say but because words cannot come close to serving justice to what has happened to me. it’s unexplainable. unfathomable. i never. ever. ever. see it coming. it’s always unexpected. but always in perfect time. in this, God asks me without ever asking, “will you LIVE through the pain?” He says, “if I get quiet for a little bit and sit back and let you dance on your own…if things come at you and people begin to misunderstand you..will you remain? will you look up and catch My eye? if you can’t find My eyes, will you still look up? if you can’t see Me will you still show up? when you’re crying out in confusion and pain, will you talk bad about Me? forget about Me? or will you lock in and stand firm, faithful that I’m going to meet you out on the other side? will you live through the pain or be killed by it?” i don’t think He enjoys the allowing of pain. no, not for a second. not to His beloved that He descended Heaven for. not to His babies. His people. no way. but remember He also let it to run its course with Jesus. to see if His only begotten Son would live through the pain or if He’d give up. Jesus looked up to catch God’s eye and didn’t find an eye to catch. when His earthly life was being taken from Him in the most gruesome way. when Jesus was in pain. He searched and found nothing. and God asked Jesus without asking Him, “will you LIVE through the pain?” “will You, Son of the Living God, trust that I am waiting out on the other side of all this? this pain that I don’t want You to have to feel.” God’s gotta let us get rocked up. not meaning He wants us to, but He knows how to mold us and shape us into looking like Heaven. even though we live in a place that looks like hell. that’s attracted to hell. He knows it isn’t easy. but He holds true. true to His giving of freewill. of letting us choose if we’re gonna trust Who’s on the other side. He has never forced me to do anything for Him. not once. not one time. you know in all honesty, i probably wouldn’t be interested in God if i was “forced” to do anything for Him or with Him. but because He is so gentle. so loving. so kind. so understanding. so gracious. so worthy. i am honored to be His. i don’t wanna be anyone else’s. ever. His presence is my element. my comfort. my security. i’m honored to get my heart and my world rocked by the King of kings. He knows what He’s doing. i don’t want any other love. there is no other love like His. no fire like His.
