There I am. I climbed 10 stories of stairs to get to the top. My heart beating out of my chest. It’s unlocked! The roof top access is unlocked. I take the deadbolt off and crack the door open. Life beating me down to my knees. I crawl up the little stairs and I stand tall on the roof. There I stand. Standing in the pouring rain. Cracks of lighting ripple across the sky. My heart full of darkness, fear, shame, guilt, and emptiness. I am at the end, dwelling through my past, I stand. I am contemplating the good this earth brings me. Darkness, so much depression and anxiety. I am ready to start stepping toward the edge. Feels like there’s millions of thoughts layering on top of eachother in my head. In and out they go. It’s time, I am at the edge looking down. Fear taking over. My last breath taken before I turn my back toward the drop. My eyes closed with an almost satisfing feeling that this is the end. It’s all over, no more. Right at the edge, rocking back and forth on my heels. I say goodbye to myself and this world, ready to give myself to the fall. And for a faint second everything was black. Nothing. No feeling anything. Black. I’m over the edge. Free falling. My eyes all of a sudden open wide, like a baby opening his eyes for the first time. New to the world. There is so much freedom in falling. Gravity has got me sailing through the air. All I hear is a still small voice. I have no control. Love pouring back into my heart. I am nearing the end of my fall and I blink into everlasting life with my eyes opening wide. I am in a crowd of people on the streets of Taiwan. It feels like I am still floating, looking around and look up where I jumped. Completely full and satisfied. My emptiness gone. I can feel someone is with me. I am not alone here. Walking in new light. Everything is out of my control. Everything is different, I can feel a new void forming in my heart. No time to process anything because it’s all coming to me at once. He is a live. God is alive. My heart is like a caterpillar about to break the caccoon, ready to fly with eternal views. It’s like waking up from a nightmare to everlasting love. I’m awake. The feeling of joy creeping up. Saved by dear grace. There is such beauty in every aspect of my life now, my past, and what is lying before me. God has breathed life right back into me. Life makes sense starting up at the tenth floor. I just wanted to be pure. I just wanted to be pure. I decided to give up my life that day, to find eternal life that I can’t call my own.
