Morning devotionals, ministry five days a week 5:30 in the morning to 9:00 at night, team time, living with around 45 other girls, while having breakfast, lunch, and dinner with 55 others. The days are packed with many activities planned, while also trying to grow an intimate relationship with the Lord and grow myself. Not too mention the ministry we have been working in has a lot of Buddhism beliefs which has affected our work here through spiritual warfare. In other words my life has turned upside down with the new adjustment to this crazy and incredible version of life. Many emotions have been flying around in my head (hence it being hard for me to get them all down on paper and blog). I have had mountain top thoughts of excitement, joy, fulfillment but also valley low thoughts of sadness, confusion, and being lost in all that is going on. A lot of heartbreak has been going on causing me to have my home on my heart frequently. Don’t get me wrong I have been enjoying life here, I love my life here so so much, but thoughts tend to wander and prayers over my family consume me. At the end it leaves me all a bit restless. It is a lot for my spirit to take in, process, and live out. Recently I have been reading scripture that fixates on the Lord rebuilding us.
While lacking in my family back home and not being there through the tough times, I have been struggling with not having a close connection or control over the things happening there. I really have to look to God and put my trust in His plans for me and for my family. Rest in His promises. I have realized through this that working for the Lord is not easy at all, calling us to love others takes all of us and saying goodbye takes more of us but through this we are touching others and spreading the word of a God who loves us in ways unimaginable. Our purpose as followers of Christ. As I was going through this, rather than going to my family, I had to take it up with my leaders, team, and of course my father to come around me in support. One day, I had the chance to talk to my mentor Deb about my hard situation and everything I have been dealing with emotionally. That same night during our worship session she came over to me and prayed for peace over me. I had a weight and tension lifted off my heart and a peace fall over me, so beautiful and intense that at that instant I knew it was my God. I have never felt Him in that way before, it was comforting, overwhelming, and extravagant. So yes, my soul has been struggling with being joyful here and hurting for everything at home. Now I know that He will bring me peace and comfort when necessary, He does it for us all. When we have the Lord we have everything we need for He will always be enough. When feeling empty from the hardship of overwhelming heaviness, He will make your soul dance with joy and perseverance!
Another example of Him refreshed my spirit: On Monday I had a day full of ministry, I spent the whole day focused on my father and integrating Him into my everyday life. Spreading Him through my words and actions even though I was exhausted and had a headache. When I chose to take the extra step to bring God in more and walk in His ways, I felt my spirit come alive. Fully refreshed. When we make faith active in life, we contain inside His power and glory. He builds us up. Colossians 2: 6-7 says, “ So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” I thank my father for how far He has brought me.
That same day on the way home from ministry we pasted kids on the street hanging out and playing soccer. Rather than going home because I was drained of energy from the day, I chose to stay and show the kids Love. As I looked into their sweet smiling, dirty faces I saw the savior, I saw His beauty, I saw His promises. In those moments He humbled my heart, calmed my soul and told me this is worth it. After such a tiring day and going through a lot spiritually and emotionally He displays purpose before me. I am just so in awe by what God shows me and the ways in which He shows himself. Presenting me with simple reminders of why I am here and of His goodness that fills me up day after day. Sometimes I do have to go back to where it all started, God. So day after day as I go to ministry, have worries and cares, and a cluster of good and bad emotions I know He is working in me and for me. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me and that is where I draw my passion and energy from. We just have to pour our hearts out for Him everyday and then when our spirit is down and taken over by the chaos and emotions of life, He will make us whole again. Fall at His feet for He will show up and provide. I remind myself of Psalm 23: 1-2, “ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters.”
I know this quite a novel. It was a little all over the place and messy but sometimes that is our lives and emotions and that is totally okay! It is raw and real. Although I am living half way across the world and am having all these new experiences in Cambodia, it is not always going to be easy but my father is showing me more of Himself and myself through this! When the rain goes away, there is a rainbow. The rainbow is worth it.
