Living a life in boldness and vulnerability is a priority for me on my race, so I want to bring my blog into this vulnerability as well. Life leading up to the race was full of life and excitement, constantly dreaming about all the crazy things we were going to experience and do in Cambodia. I was beyond the moon excited to fly across the world and live a life on fire for the Lord. I was expectant of what God was going to do instead of expecting what that would look like. In all reality, life here is comfortable and feels like we’re living a normal life just in a new place. While this was good for adjusting initially, it has gotten to be super hard. We all came into this with wild dreams of the Holy Spirit constantly talking and moving within us every single day. Now we’re here and I’m realizing it doesn’t feel any different than home, my daily schedule is very average and trying to see God in it constantly is difficult. It’s hard, to keep up a happy heart when things aren’t super fun. I don’t always think about my goal here when I wake up at 5:30 to make breakfast or spend hours cooking chicken. I go through days without remembering the real reason I’m here, to share the love that Jesus showed us.
I’ve felt numb, going through my daily life engaging in what He wants me to do but not doing it in pure love. Everything needs to be done in love. I am currently reading Bob Goff’s “Love Does” and his perspective of what living a life pursuing God’s love is mind blowing. His extravagant and sometimes not so extravagant pursuit of going and doing instead of just sitting back has brought me peace. Peace in the fact that being here is doing, and the relationships I continue to build everyday is doing. Doing is also sweeping and mopping and cutting endless amount of vegetables. As I’m writing this I finally feel the fire starting in my soul. Engaging everyday 100% with whatever He wants to do that day is my goal. Month one is almost over (so crazy) and I’ve glided through more than I wanted to. I’m ready to dig deep, fight for my relationships with squamates and let the spirit do its work here. I’m done settling for ‘normal’ and I’m stepping out. Stepping out in boldness, in love, and most importantly just letting the spark beneath me grow into a raging fire.
Leaving a completely normal life for one that feels just the same is definitely not what I was expecting, but I know God is using this season for something greater. He has so much in store, so much for Ethiopia, Nicaragua, and Costa Rica but also for tomorrow. The faces I’ll encounter and the words I will read. He is here. He was with me every single step of my life and sometimes I realized it a lot more than others. I’m here and I’m diving into the deep end, whatever that looks like. Comfortable is no longer an option for me and even though the numbness still lingers I am waking up with a grateful heart. This journey is hard but I’m glad to be slapped in the face in the first few weeks rather than in month 8. Things are happening and God is confirming it like crazy. Some pretty cool stories to come but this is all for now. Thanks for letting this be a place for me to share my heart, even in the hard times.
-grace
