Going into our last week in Nicaragua… It’s bittersweet, because I’ve loved this month and am definitely super sad to be leaving… but I’m so excited for all that is coming as we head to Costa Rica. I’ve had a lot of time this month to be still + to sit with the Lord and process things. Probably more time than I would like, but it’s been much needed and really beneficial for me + I’m so grateful for it.
[Most of this blog post is from my journal this morning, as I was thinking about what my life might look like when I go back to the states in 2 months.]
I’ve spent the better part of my life running. From love. From peace. From myself. Running from grace + joy from the Father — & it’s all freely given.
I’ve only seen / felt myself completely stop running in the moments I feel like I’m important — or when I’m actively doing something that requires me to be near to God. Whether it’s been involvement with the church, doing YoungLife, serving on a mission trip out of the country… I’ve felt a closeness to God in these seasons, but once that season ends… I eventually go back to running. Something shifts and I don’t feel His nearness anymore.
Questions I’ve been asking myself in this season:
- Why do I keep running? What happens to the nearness I’ve experienced with the Lord?
- Do I just become apathetic? Is it some type of resistance? Do I let doubt take over the truths I once knew with full confidence?
- ^^ A little bit of all of the above??? (Bingo. + more).
It’s easy (easier) to be near to the Father in situations like serving in the church, or with a youth group, or doing a mission trip; because some part of all of those things quiets the chatter that’s constantly all around us. There’s (much) less distractions, + more time to sit and be still in His presence and be in the Word every day + opportunities to experience Him in new ways.
Being in deep relationship with the Lord takes effort. Commitment. A strong desire for more.
How I experience the Lord in the mission field is going to look a lot different than how I experience and seek Him at home. Simply because it takes more effort on my end to set aside time, and to be intentional about how I spend my time. Whether it looks like getting up an hour earlier before work to pray and sit with the Lord, or doing a devotional before bed every night. Or both.
It takes me deciding that I’m going to press in. To put Him FIRST. To not let apathy or laziness rule my relationship with the Father — to not put Him on a back burner.
I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO MOVES.
I’m still learning in this, it’s something I’ve only recently been aware of + willing to acknowledge. But I’m learning that the Father is always near to us. Sometimes it’s in ways we cannot see in the moment, and He’s wanting US to move closer. To turn around and stop running away from Him + start running towards Him. To seek more.
Because when I’ve looked back, and when I’ve asked the Lord to reveal to me where the heck He was when it was so dark and I felt like He was nowhere to be found… I have processed and dug deeper, and I’ve seen His faithfulness in my life. I’m confident that He’s never left my side.
*** “You’re The Only One” by Chris Renzema is what’s playing as I’m writing this and it couldn’t be more perfect. Go listen.
