Wants and needs. Others or yourself. Christ or me.
Distinguishing between these, deciding exactly what are we living for? I don’t really think there is another question that gets my brain running or moving at the speed the way this one does.
A few weeks ago at a house show in Austin, Texas I found myself outside with a musician in a conversation about college and what my plans were. This conversation then took the sharp turn into what exactly the Lord was doing in my life. I talked to him about the race and all of the things the Lord has been teaching me. Also how He showed me that not only did I want to live my life following Him, but to live my life for Him wherever he calls me next into comfort or discomfort.
The conversation taking another turn and this time into his religious background. We talked about growing up in the church, for us both being from southern Bible Belt states. Then moving into the conversation about the music industry and him moving to Austin, talking on this as it being the hardest time he has been tested in his faith being stretched and pulled in ways he didn’t even know that it could. Being in an industry where God is almost totally “transparent” from the amount of disbelief that exists in the music field that he is a part of.
Referring to the area that most musicians live in as the “grey area” for not believing in a God but believing there was a reason that they are here. This reasoning, this purpose, it leads back to something whether you believe it or not. For me this reasoning is filled with what am I living for? Something that I work on everyday, something I struggle with so heavily, something that causes ache in my mind and my heart. Not only do I fight with this question, but I fight with myself because of it.
Abba I pray for a wall to be built inside of my soul. A wall built of the strongest of materials, stretching to the greatest lengths in me that the enemy will tremble at when he stands face to face with. Father build this wall between anything of myself, my worldly desires, my fleshly wants, whatever it may be if it is not of you Lord. Allow me to distinguish what is of me and what is of you Lord. Allow me to walk the way you have made me to walk, speak the way you have made me to speak, lead the way you have made me to lead Lord. If it is anything other than you Lord make it apparent to me in whatever way you choose. Father break my heart for what breaks yours. I am a son of you Lord use me at your will, allow me to act and live in your willingness. Make me your vessel Father, the foundation of a lighthouse in the darkest of nights with a light shining as bright as it can only because of you Lord. Wreck me I am yours Father.
For this is my prayer Lord. As I learn to walk, as I learn to speak as, as I learn to lead, I have to learn to listen not to myself but to you. Starting to notice that you are speaking. That you have been speaking, always have been speaking, and speaking way more than I could ever begin to imagine.
