this past weekend there was a mini retreat with a local church here in battambang at the nearby river. after a two hour time-stopping tuk tuk ride, we got to the most serene and beautiful area with the huge green overlooking trees hanging. there was 2 sides of the river, on the right it was still and deep, and on the left there were the formation of rocks that made a shoot in the water with little rapids.
I just knew it was a holy sunday. i feel like there are definitely times when God’s presence is too overwhelming and too obvious not to acknowledge, and this was one of them.
aidyn, elijah, erin and i got in the water almost immediately. we dabbled and splashed in the deeper area for a while, and then made our way over to the rapids.
if you’re from Texas, you know that i felt right at home and the thing i wanted to do most was grab an inner tube, a speaker, and float down this river the whole time.
we made do with what we had. ourselves.
me and erin braced ourselves going down. as I got sucked into the beginning of the rapid, it was so funny that i couldn’t breathe and then that was actually more scary because i thought i would choke and drown on the water laughing.
it seemed that was as i got comfortable a BOLDER would come out of no where to topple me over again and again.
imagine the game pinball, but instead of a pinball, it’s me. little old cami.
and instead of a cute game set up, the obstacles are huge rocks, with points.
i got about 3 scrapes and 7 bruises on my legs. my favorite ring from guatemala was squeezed off by one of the rocks. .. ):
after laughing/choking so hard my stomach hurt, me and erin hung out at the end of the rapid holding onto a rock where the water was still flowing. kind of on top of it like ariel.
i stuck my head in the water and just let it go over me with all of its force.
from that, i felt like i was cleaner in that 10 minutes than i have been the past month.
we went again.
——————————
song to listen to as you read this blog post.
As I’m writing it’s Monday night. Earlier today I was hit with a really really hard realization that recently the past couple weeks I’ve been with God, but I hadn’t been letting Him be WITH me.
Similar to calling a friend and saying you love them, and then saying you have other plans or your schedule is booked instead of taking time to just have lunch together.
This realization hit me deep, and it hurt. I sat for a long time crying with sorrow. I had been running from God by refusing to feel what i was feeling and talk to him about it.
When things got hard or uncomfortable in my heart/ I felt unsteady, I would take up that time with doing other things instead of taking them and telling God how I was doing and letting Him in.
Not things that are inherently bad, but just running by filling my schedule in whatever was available: eating, sleeping, running errands or helping one of my teammates.
All of these things to me are necessary and were subconsciously saying
“ah yeah cami you’re busy, you don’t have time to process and think and pray right now.”
I would refuse to look at my emotions and hand them over to the Lord as a guide of what was actually wrong.
until i finally sat and told God how sorry i was.
i turned to a book i’ve been reading the past few weeks, and came upon the chapter 4 titled “Drawing Close to God’
it begins talking about how our dissarray in the world comes from having pride too inflated to seek God, & complaining after not getting what we prayed for even though the prayer was one of fear & demand instead of faith & request. it talks about how he gives grace to the humble. (james 5.v6)
“so humble yourselves before God. resist the devil, and he will flee from you. come close to God and God will come close to you. wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.”
As i was crying I kept reading and couldn’t have heard God’s voice any more than you clearly. It felt like he was kneeling in front of me and with me.
Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the lord and he will lift you up in honor.” james 4:9
… i used to not understand this verse. Now i understood.
i used to think that being close with God meant i would be at my strongest, now i know the truth of having power in weakness.
needing help and needing God has become my honor instead of my shame.
self awareness and the process of refinement hurts. a lot.
it feels like i am in the rapid, hitting each rock over and over every time something is brought up to give back to God, i’m hit! the water that’s rushing over me are now tears of sorrow and joy of letting God look at me. the breathlessness is still from laughing and awe from being seen as i am and loved just the same.
james 5 continues,
“Your wealth is rotting away, and your fine clothes are moth-eaten rags. Your gold and silver are corroded. The very flesh you were counting on will eat away your flesh like fire… you have spent your years on earth in luxury, satisfying every desire.”
ow. i laughed thinking about my ring getting lost and taken in the river, and also how this weekend my laundry was left outside too long and got poured on in the rain and ended up pretty wonky. the last sentence about satisfying every desire. this verse was more applicable that i every thought it would be.
in this time for the moment it would be easy to keep crying from the pain of being hit, but instead i have the option to do this..
“When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great JOY. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
James 1:2-3
so i am here. I am in the river.
i am bouncing with bruises and getting washed cleaner than i ever have been. it hurts a lot and it’s a process, but i have so much gratitude that God wants to bring out so much healing in me and he wants to show me how to do things in a healthy way. i truly believe that life with God is both sides of the river. the still and peaceful deep and the rushing water of much-needed-friction & waking up.
its a joy for me to lose any and all of my masks or metaphorical favorite earthly things because of how strong His current is. All of this refinement to see what i’ve been holding onto that i don’t need to.
its a joy to realize that i don’t have to be big and strong for God. He’s so much bigger and his waves are so much stronger FOR me and he’s just wiping off all the dirt that’s been on me too long.
—-prayer—-
God thank you so much that we can talk out of a place of vulnerability and that there is power in our weakness. thank you for the process of being stripped of pride to enjoy life with you. thank you that you’re giving me a hug even before i say i’m sorry. I love you. amen
—-
thank you all for being part of the journey and being there every step of the way.
cami <3
**the song attached was playing while God was speaking so clearly to me. you should listen to it if you haven’t. the word Afio Mai is Samoan and means Welcome.**
