The other morning during morning devotional, our prompt was to pray and ask God what He saw in us, and where we were.
so, i started drawing.
what came to mind was a lil baby caterpillar, looking into a mirror. but the reflection was a butterfly.
after drawing it, first i laughed at how cute the little caterpillar looked, and then i looked at my open bible.
guess what the verse was!
Ephesians 4:22
“You were taught with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self snd be made new with the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
i laughed at the accuracy of that verse in the moment. hahah thanks, God 🙂 —>
i realized that right now, about one week into the next 9 months of my life- i am the little caterpillar.
and things have been weird.
parts of myself are rising to the surface and emotions of change and personal growth and LIFE are just everywhere. and sometimes it’s overwhelming.
What i learned is that right now, God wants me to be still. sometimes I have to realize that maybe it isn’t about me trying to figure it out right away and all the time.
i have to be okay with feeling uncomfortable, feeling nothing at all, and the growing pains— because its a process!
—–caterpillars have to go through a process before becoming a butterfly—-
i expected to come on this race, and magically all at once become a new person just because i was in a new and beautiful country with another language with (50) new people and a new daily mission.
but, no. silly Cami.
i am instead in a phase of being still, and growing, and letting my old self shed off, to be made new with the attitude of my mind.
some of those things are realizing how little i actually am. i am not the middle of attention or the world. my problems or feelings are not too big or too crazy to bring to God. I do not have to be in the middle of attention to feel that i am loved, because i am loved all the time by a God that is way bigger.
One thing that the Lord has been making me aware of lately is how much i care about what people think. this is really vulnerable to write, but i know that saying things and sharing what is hard only makes it more real and punches fear in the face. so I’m doing it.
I realized that i used to be/ am so afraid of rejection, and i know that needs to be shed off. (it hurts)
fear of rejection in the past has led me to changing myself or hiding parts of myself that were true to who i really was.
from little things to the important things. ex: the thing i used to do in 5th grade if i was having a conversation with someone older and cooler. it sounded something like “oh you hate that song? ya, totally me too- so stupid.” (and inside i would break because it was my favorite TOTALLY-NOT-STUPID-song)
this tendency led to bigger things in the present time like being too afraid to talk about my passions like God to people who i wasn’t sure were christians or not, afraid that it might hurt their view of me, or not like me.
so pride, and fear, i am not too sorry to say this, but you’re being shredded, old friends.
i will no longer be the girl that compares herself and accepts the world that dulls things down, or the one who has given way to apathy and not really caring unless it affects me and my comfort in life. i refuse to give into the girl that simultaneously thinks she’s way better and also not good enough, the girl that changes herself to be liked and accepted out of fear of rejection, and the girl that thinks she isn’t important enough to ask for love.
this was my former way, and as it says in Ephesians- I am being made NEW.
so comparison, dullness, apathy, pride, insecurity, fear,
i am not too sorry to share with you, that you are being shredded off of me. we are breaking up.
little by little,
you will be replaced with the wings of gratitude, boldness, compassion, confidence, and courage.
but for now,
i see what’s in front of me!
i love y’all so much. thank you for following this with me and where i am!
xox,
Cami
