When God calls you to something what do you say?
I don’t know about you but my response over the years to His call to GO has gone something like this…. “Yes God, that would be fun, but wait. Maybe. Well, what if I meet the man I am supposed to marry here? What if I were to stay and meet him next month? What if I went, and I missed out on meeting him?? WHAT THEN?? So, maybe. We will see. Sure, but not right now.”
I am not proud of it. I actually chuckle at how foolish it sounds to me now. For years I let my what if’s lead to no’s. Then something in me shifted. The what if’s slowly turned into why not’s, and the no’s slowly turned into yes’s. It was a processes and it didn’t happen all at once, but I can point to a period of surrender, when at the end my yes became simply yes.
Last October I took a trip to Ireland. A couple of friends were supposed to go with me, but could’t make it, so I went solo. Ireland is a beautiful country full of beautiful people. I spent a few days with some friends in Cork, kissed the Blarney Stone, learned how to drive on the left side of the road, and then set off on my driving adventure through the southern part of Ireland. I sat in a coffee shop looking out over Molls Gap, along the Ring of Kerry, and could’t stop thinking about how beautiful everything was. As I drank my coffee I reflected on all I had seen that day and was in awe of the Creator. In awe that I was there seeing this beautiful place. Wondering how anyone could see it, and not believe in the Creator. I finished my coffee and began my drive down the narrow, winding road that led back to town when God hit me with; “You believe, but do you trust Me?” Now let me tell you, when I say narrow, winding road I mean the kind of narrow that when a car passes you’re scared your side mirrors are going to collide or you’re going to run off the other side of the road…yea, that narrow. That mixed with the misty rain that seems to be constant in Ireland, now mixed with tears as God is getting real with me. Let’s just say it was an interesting drive. Did I trust God? No, I hadn’t trusted Him with many things. But there in that car I also got real with God. I told Him why I was reluctant to trust Him, why it was hard for me to trust Him, and that I wanted Him to teach me how to trust Him. Fast forward a couple of days and there I was sitting by the ocean in Doolin staring at the Cliffs of Moher. I had spent the day prior walking along the cliffs, speechless. The Cliffs of Moher is the most awe inspiring, majestic place I have ever seen in my life. There I was sitting on a rock, listening to the waves, staring at the cliffs with tears in my eyes and God says “Do you trust Me?” I thought, ‘Hey, didn’t we JUST have this conversation? I haven’t, but I want to. I trust You, but teach me how to trust You.’ Then, as I was driving away from Doolin, that wonderful little town on the ocean that I didn’t want to leave, He said, “Then go.” I said, “Yes.”
My journey from that point to sitting here writing this blog has been required a daily ‘Yes’ to surrendering to this process, and if I’m honest my answer for the day isn’t always a cheerful yes, sometimes it’s a no. This journey hasn’t been easy, and it is far from over. I think there was always something in me that knew that saying yes to God would strip me. That it would force me to allow God to work in me, to challenge me, to heal me, to change me. And there was always something in me that didn’t want to walk that road. Because, quite honestly, that road is hard, painful, and messy. But, it is also beautiful. It is beautiful because in the mess there is grace. SO MUCH GRACE. When I am broken, grace. When I am doubting, grace. When I fail, grace. When the road seems too hard and I don’t want to face the things He is calling me to face, grace. God, in His grace, is stripping me of who I thought I was and replacing that with who He says I am. He is stripping me of the wounds of my past and healing them in His love. He is stripping me of the lies I have believed for so long and replacing them with the truths and promises of the gospel. So even though it’s hard, painful, and messy. The mess is so beautiful and so worth it.
