Before I left for this incredible journey, I was overwhelmed with the grief of leaving my loved ones. I had been warned to not fall into temptation from the devil in the sensitive months before launch. However, me being stubborn, i told myself that was dumb, the devil wasn’t going to get to me, and i could do what i wanted since i was spending 9 months straight doing what the Lord wanted me to do. Sounds crazy right? At the time i was so blinded by arrogance that i failed to see that right then and there the devil was already getting to me. You would think that since i was about to leave the country to tell the rest of the world about the Love of Jesus, i would want to continue to grow my relationship with Him to be stronger than ever… right? Wrong. If I’m being completely honest i fell away from truth. I stopped reading my Bible and doing my devotions. I thought i would “be okay” if i just picked up where i left off at launch. Obviously, this was a dumb idea. If you are not actively in the Word and pursuing the Lord then your relationship with Him will wither away.
Letting the devil in my head invited negative thoughts like fear, sadness, worry, and doubt. On the outside i was thrilled to talk about the World Race and the amazing things the Lord has in store for me!…but on the inside i felt dead. I felt defeated, afraid, and unworthy of sharing the gospel. I told the Lord i wasn’t good enough. I told him he made a mistake in asking me to do this mission trip. In all of this prayer, deep inside my heart i was thinking that i knew best for my life. The only thing on my mind was ME. Fast forward a few months and I’m sitting in my church on a Tuesday night. Surrounded by thousands of young adults praising the Lord in worship. I wondered, “why are all of these people here? Why are they going to church to be taught truth just to go home and continue to sin?” That’s when it hit me. The one being taught truth and disregarding it was me. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of shame and embarrassment. Also, at this time I had seen with my own eyes someone finding joy in their new found faith and i had been throwing mine away the whole time.
In that moment i finally took a minute to breath deep.
I stopped singing.
I opened my eyes.
I looked around at the thousands of young adults with their arms raised genuinely praising their Lord Jesus Christ.
That’s when the Lord broke me. I could hear Him saying “my daughter, why have you forgotten me? Why have you forgotten that i am always here for you to call out to for help?” So i cried out for help. I genuinely praised the Lord for the first time in months. Raising my hands with tears streaming down my face i realized how selfish i had been. I realized how many times i had used the word “I” in my prayers. How many times i told the Lord i can’t do this. Finally i asked for forgiveness. I told the Lord all of my doubts and fears. In asking forgiveness for them, i felt a wave of relief wash over me. In the past months i had felt so distant from the Lord… but in that moment i felt my Fathers arms wrap around me and tell me it was going to be okay…
Fast forward to the middle of the sermon after being humbled during worship, i asked the Lord, “why did you call me to missions? Why are you asking me to do something i am clearly not strong enough to do?” In that moment He answered me through the worlds of my pastor, JP. He read the verse that says “therefore go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the father, son, and Holy Spirit.” After hearing that you would think that would be a clear enough message for me….. nope. Again i asked God “but why missions? Why the World Race?” Again He answered me through my pastor when he SPECIFICALLY said “YOU are called to share the gospel. YOU are called to share the love of Jesus weather that’s here in your home town or in a third world country” At that moment i was like , “WOAH okay cool… got it.
That night i decided to stop trusting my own plan for my life. I put my trust in my Father. Because i know He is always with me. He knows what’s best for me and no matter how crazy the mission, He will guide me through it and give me the right words to spread His name.
Currently, I’m sitting in Thailand, staring out the window at busy streets with lush mountains in the background and all i can think is, “i made it… God got me here and now all i can do is trust him to lead me.”
