I have always struggled with image, for the majority of my life, I hated how I acted, what I looked like, what I enjoyed. It was like being embarrassed to be alive. College is when it started to get even worse, since I hated the way I looked anyway, why care for my body? Since I was stupid, why study if I was going to fail anyway. Why care about a stupid piece of garbage? And it became a cycle of negative behaviors followed by self hatred and that cause more negative behaviors and so on. I was spiraling down into this self fulfilling prophecy, I thought I was gonna fail anyway, and thats what happened. When I came home i felt worse than I ever had. I was trash, a waste of life. And instead of dealing with this I would numb myself and try to forget about my pain. And it would work for a little, but then it would all come rushing back in like a tidal wave, washing over my whole being. I did this for several months.
Then I went to training camp and felt the love of God through my squad, and I heard His voice for the first time. He said “you are my son. And I don’t make mistakes”. I felt a peace and a warmth wash over me and drown my fears and my self image in His love. God has saved me and when the darkness returns, I know who to run to.
