What am I to do? What am I even capable of doing?
I see so much hurt. I feel so much hurt. I don’t even know where to begin or what to think in most moments. I want to scoop up every hurting and struggling person I meet and fix their every problem and listen to every story they have to share. I wrestle with God. Why is my heart so torn between feeling overwhelmingly grateful for the life I have and the life I get to live, all I get to see, and all the people I get to do this life with- yet a feeling of guilt and pain for simply being born into a decent lifestyle. I feel a guilt for being so educated on what is out in this world yet not feeling like I am doing “enough”. Yet, I cannot even get my mind to think straight on what this means or what to do. I hurt because they look and think I have more simply because of where I am from. My heart breaks. I have far from it. If anything, I lack so so much more. I lack the purest form of joy and generosity that my sweet friend Annet has as she lights up when we walk down the street and she gives each of my teammates and myself a bracelet from her shop. I lack their faith of knowing that our God is capable of so much more than I typically give Him credit for. If only I could show those I meet that this is it. This is what matters. If only they knew. If only these friends of mine saw that I so deeply desire their faith, joy, and simple yet beautiful lifestyles. But until they, I wrestle. I will cry out to God to calm my restless heart. I will cry out to my sovereign God, knowing He is King of my heart and King of this world. King of Uganda.
Yet, I know I am not called to fix every problem in this world. I am called to love. I am called to live with a grateful heart for my blessings. I am called to see His children around me and bring them love, joy, and light. And today this looked like visiting my friends at their shops, praying with them, and buying a handmade necklace. No, this is nothing huge and did not end any large issue or bring about world peace, but it is love, and it is what I had to offer today. Tomorrow, I will wake up and love again. However He has planned for me. If I truly believe that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8), than I will begin to love relentlessly, knowing it alone can bring about what this world needs. Love is enough. Praise the Lord.
This is enough to bring a sense of calm to my restless heart. He is love and He is all I have in these moments. He is enough. Even through my wrestling.
Wherever you are today, whatever you are doing- love well.
