When I left for this trip I knew it would be life changing. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I was that I was getting the opportunity to spend almost a year loving on God’s people. However, I underestimated how much it would change my life. I didn’t know how much it would change my perspective. I didn’t know it would change everything. I thought I was grateful then but the feeling of gratefulness I have now has increased tenfold. All everyone talked about when I was leaving was how much I was giving up. I never really thought about it much. This was a blessing; a dream come true. For me I wasn’t giving anything up, my dreams were finally coming true.
Fast forward to now I as I sit in Albania typing this blog. I now know I didn’t feel like I was giving anything up because I had become this empty shell of who I once was. I had lost who I was. I didn’t know the person I had become. I had nothing to give up. I knew I once was a 4th grader who wanted nothing more than to save one child’s life at a time and now I was the girl who was constantly striving. Striving to look the best, dress the best, make the most money, and the list goes on and on.
Over the last few weeks in Fier, Albania we have been working with ICF Fier Church. Everyday we spend a few hours a day teaching English to the youth of the church. However, the main focus of our english class is to build connections while discussing the bible. We use bible stories to teach our classes. In the last few weeks we have began to have in depth conversations with the youth. They desire to know so much about America and our lives back home. This is because they think if you are from America your life is better. Many of them say “ if only they could live in America.” Even when I talk to the older guys that work at the coffee shop we frequently visit to get wifi have told me how they wish they could go to America. That their lives would be better. This truly breaks my heart because I can relate to these people on such an intimate level. I know how it feels to continuously strive to attain things of the world hoping to feel fulfilled.
Growing up I always said I wanted to be a doctor. The first time I remember thinking I wanted to save children’s lives around the world was when I was in 4th grade. My mom and brother had gone on a mission trip to Africa. Still to this day I think looking at their pictures from their trip was a pivotal moment in my life. It was the first time I knew the Lord wanted to use me to serve. In 4th grade I wrote an essay about saving one child’s life at a time. In 5th grade, I began researching the genocide in Rwanda, Africa. My heart broke for the children. It was then that I seriously began saying I wanted to be a doctor. It was also then that I began to strive to be the best at anything and everything. Nothing changed as I entered high school or even when I began to apply for college. Even the essay I wrote to apply for college was titled, “One Child at A Time.” However, my motives changed. I no longer wanted to be a doctor to help save lives because that’s what I felt the Lord was calling me to do. I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to make a lot of money. Somewhere along the way I got so caught up in becoming the best I lost my focus. Instead of preparing to be God’s servant to fulfill my purpose for His plan, I was striving for mankind’s approval. I took off to college and began doing all the things I needed to do to be the best. Joining clubs, volunteering, and going on mission trips. Trying to build a resume that would make me a shoo-in for med school. The thing is God has a way of letting you know He is in control. He will wreck the path you are on if it is not His will. I soon found myself struggling in the classes I needed to make A’s in. I hated volunteering at the hospital. It hurt my heart. It seemed like such a dark place. I couldn’t imagine having to go work in a hospital everyday. I knew I could not handle it. I knew my heart couldn’t handle it. I graduated and got a job so far away from the medical field most people in the industry I was working in before the race would laugh when I would tell them what my degree was in. However, having a nutrition degree didn’t stop me from striving to be the best in that industry. Year after year I strived for another raise and another promotion. Nothing changed I was still on track to be the best. To be the best at what you may ask? I can’t even give you an answer.
So here I am in Albania, six months into the most life altering experience I have ever had and God reminded me of Rwanda. As I said earlier God put Rwanda on my heart when I was in fifth grade. As a 25 year old signing up for the World Race I didn’t really even pay attention to Rwanda being on the list of countries. As a 26 year old reflecting on all that God has taught me in the last six months I am brought to tears. Here I am on this journey that leads to Rwanda. I am completely renewed. I found myself. I know who I am. I love who I am. I know my purpose.
I was once striving towards my dreams. Chasing them head down with blinders on. Something I have noticed reading the bible lately is that Jesus walks. I spent years running. Running towards things, people, and goals that continued to leave me unsatisfied. Unfulfilled. Empty. I now can say I am confidently walking towards my purpose in God’s plan. And as I walk with my head up, Jesus by my side, loving God’s people, I have learned to love myself again. This isn’t the path that I thought would lead me to Rwanda but it is the Lord’s perfect path.
So, I ask this, do you have blinders on? Are you running instead of walking? Are you walking with Jesus by your side? Are you looking up at God?
“Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.”
1 John 2: 6
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Ephesians 5:1-2
