The Lord is a Lord who brings things up when we are ready to process and heal from them.
Week 2 of the Race has been a great amount more challenging, but also more rewarding and more wonderful than I would have thought it would be. Our ministry looked really really similar to the first week: children’s ministry, VBS, evangelism, etc! But some things are definitely different: we are growing in confidence and are finally starting to find our groove! We are more fully understanding what ministry is going to look like this month. This week (for me at least), the challenge wasn’t so much in the ministry.It was in what the Lord was teaching me.
Tuesday, 1/15/19 – off day! Our weekends here are on Monday and Tuesdays. We spend this time in Sabbath rest. That means getting into the Lord’s presence and staying there. For everyone, it’s a little different depending on whichever spiritual pathway they use to connect with the Lord. For me, one of the ways I connect with the Lord most in in contemplation and revelation.
So on this day, I spent time reading, journaling, and listening prayer. I remember very distinctly looking out the window when a beautiful green tree caught my eye. This place is basically a rainforest in the middle of a city. I remember saying to the Lord, “Wow! It is so green and beautiful here!” to which He replied, “Yes. I have brought you here to grow you, not for you to ‘do.’ This city is a city I have grown, and it is alive. I will do the same with you. You will flourish.”
Wow! I was blown away! The Lord is the one that does the stuff here. We get to be partners, but mostly we just get to see the Lord move. It’s not US that does anything. It’s all Him. And in the middle of Him doing it, He grows us.
I was feeling so connected to Him in that moment, but I didn’t want it to end there. So I asked Him to speak to me through my dreams. And OH BOY, the Lord delivered.
That night, I had a dream that I believe (without a doubt) to be from the Lord. I almost never remember my dreams, so when I do, there is usually something important there. In the dream, I was on a sailboat with 2 older men and a young child. The boat tipped over, and I was immediately on my own. A HUGE shark suddenly came up and attacked me, and I began wrestling with it. It was terrifying. It wasn’t able to get me, but I wasn’t able to beat it either. I eventually grabbed onto the tail fin, and it rushed me over to the shore. The shark slammed me onto the shore with all its might. I got up and started running, but SOMEHOW the shark was still chasing me. I started screaming for help, and a handful of people who were on the shore came and pinned the shark down. Then, we were finally able to kill it. When I looked at it again, I noticed it was actually much smaller than I thought and almost had a shriveled up appearance.
I asked the Lord about what this means, and words started coming.
I am going about life thinking I am in true community (ouch), but when the time comes, I’m still left fighting the enemy on my own. It isn’t able to get me, but fighting on my own is not effective enough. It’s terrifying. The enemy tries to slam me against the Solid Ground of the Lord and guilt me. Even on the Solid Ground, I’m terrified, but it is only THEN that I am able to finally get the help that I need. It ends up being that this “huge shark” is actually pretty small, even though I think it’s a HUGE deal. I need help from God-centered community to end it for good and stop it in its tracks… But I need to reach out and tell them for them to hear me and come help me out.
Wednesday, 1/16/19 – We started the day with a session from our Squad Mentor T.T., and believe it or not, the topic the Lord told her to discuss with us was VULNERABILITY! I was shocked! I had been contemplating my dream all of that morning, and now this! The Lord gave me that dream not a moment too soon!
She began to speak some truth that shook me to the core. Here. Have a truth bomb:
- You are not vulnerable to get a reaction from others. You are vulnerable for their freedom.
- Not being vulnerable leads to numbness, and you can’t choose which emotion to numb. It happens in your whole body.
- Shame is the fear of disconnection.
- ***Children are the best observers and the worst interpreters
- Trauma doesn’t always have the best memory.
- The past isn’t behind you. It follows you until you bring it to the light and heal from it.
- If you enter a dark room (with people sleeping inside) and try walking around, you will probably stub your toe. It is so much easier to turn the light on and see where you are walking even if it means disrupting someone’s sleep. Stubbing your toe will disrupt the person anyway.
- This one is SO good. You can’t see clearly in your spiritual walk if you keep things in the dark. One day, you will stub your toe, disrupt others, and cause yourself harm. If you bring it into the light, you may disrupt others, but you will keep yourself from being harmed by it. You can’t heal something if you don’t air it out and let it breathe.
We then had an opportunity to come up and share whatever the Lord was putting on our hearts. The words the Lord had given T.T. were “full disclosure,” and we finally had our opportunity to step up and bring our darkness to light in front of our communities. And I did, and I felt so much freedom and liberation… but that will have to be another blog. I learned about my squad’s stories and testimonies, and let me tell you, the Lord has brought us ALL out of so much darkness. How great is the Lord?! He is a God of redemption. We kept going all day until church and evangelism/intercession that night. Again, the worship was unbelievably awesome! And the Lord is still bringing people into His family! I didn’t go out that night, so I can’t really share specifics. Check out my squad mates’ blogs for more information!
Thursday, 1/17/19 – This day started as an odd day for me. I wasn’t sure what it was. I felt awkward during the VBS… like I was just an observer. I loved playing with the kids and sharing with them the story of Zacchaeus, but for some reason, I felt a little disconnected. That night, people went evangelizing again, but I felt like the Lord was telling me to stay behind and spend time with Him. He knew what was wrong, and I knew He wanted to talk about it with me. So I stayed with the intercession team, and spent the first half of it just getting into His presence.
The first couple of minutes, I felt Him say to me, “Come to Me, My son. Come as you are. Cast all your cares upon Me.”
So I began to listen. Again, I felt Him speak. “What do you want to say to Me, My son?”
Ok. Complete honesty, no filter. “Dad, I am freaked. I hate feeling like this. Why do I have such a lack of peace in may heart? Who or what am I frustrated at? Am I upset that others are living in the calling that I want? I don’t know. I am confused.”
“I have not given you a Spirit of confusion.”
I knew He was right. “Help me live in the fullness of the Spirit you have given me.” Long pause. “God, how did I get to this point and how can I prevent it from happening again?”
I knew in my heart what it was, and it finally came to the surface. I had been spending a lot of time that day thinking about what I was doing that day and how we were impacting the ministry, but I hadn’t given Him all the glory in all of it (including the small things). So it wasn’t even a surprise what I felt next. “Give ME glory in everything… literally everything!” Then again. “Love ME, not the things I can do.”
Ouch again. But again, it was so so so good. I finally had an answer, and I was finally starting to find peace. Soon afterwards, the song “Jesus at the Center” by Israel Houghton came on my playlist. I began to worship Him, and felt led to dance (me of all people! I’m sure I was the most awkward, but I didn’t care! Hahaha!). I suddenly became aware that I am not a SINGER. I am DANCER for the Lord’s glory! I then had a vision of a golden sky and knew that this was an image of the Lord’s glory, which made the city lights pale in comparison.
I felt power come over me and began to wrote down this truth bomb. And you know what? I’m claiming it:
The enemy has NO VOICE or power over me! It is NOTHING compared to what the Lord gives me in His presence.
“In Your presence is where I belong, Lord.”
1/18/19 and 1/19/19 kind of blurred together in ministry. About 20 of us packed our bags and hiked up a mountain, delivering bags of food to the people who live on the crags of the mountain face. We hiked for 4 hours, and it took forever to pass it all out. We got to play with some of the children (Duck, Duck, Goose is THE GAME to play, apparently), which was so great! We ended up holding a VBS type of event for them. It was the epitome of chaos, but the kids were enjoying themselves, so all was good. Apparently, kids love to hit me, which I had already known. When we played Red Light, Green Light, they LITERALLY tackled me to the ground. Get dog piled by 70 kids? Check.
Later that night, I got to hear my teammate Michael preach for the first time. The Lord is annointing people and is really speaking through my entire team! It is so beautiful to see!
Sunday, 1/20/19 – We started off the day with an AWESOME prayer walk. My squad mates and I saw a woman, and we decided to go over and pray for her. We asked her what her name was, and you’ll never guess what it was!!!!!
MONICA!
FINALLY! OH MY GOODNESS! Monica, I’ve been searching for you for 2 months now! Treasure hunt completed:
Backstory: This is part of a “treasure hunt” I am on with the Lord. In a Holy Spirit Treasure Hunt, you ask the Lord to give you words of knowledge or “clues.” You then go into community, starting a conversation with the people in the area with “I’m doing a treasure hunt and think you may be one of the Lord’s treasures.” It’s sweet and personal, and it’s a great transition into Gospel conversations.
Anyway, I was in Chicago with my life group this past November/December. While I was praying, I felt the Lord give me the name “Monica,” but I was not sure what to do with that information. So I just hid it in my heart for a time. The green hat and red cast are a little weirder to explain. The Lord never gave me those words, but I was explaining what a Holy Spirit treasure hunt was to some of my lovely community back home, and I jokingly said “green hat” and “red cast” as examples of things the Lord may give you as clues. I kept saying it would be so awesome to find Monica eventually wearing green and red… And the Lord PROVIDED! Monica was wearing a green shirt and red lipstick. A stretch, but considering I never actually heard those words for the Lord, I thought it was a pretty cool thing to see!
We got to pray for Monica’s leg. She suffered from chronic pain. When we prayed, I felt like I needed to breathe out on her, so I breathed on the squad mate touching her leg. No surprise at all, the Lord brought Monica some healing! How awesome is that?!
We had church again, and I seriously don’t know if I will get tired of worshiping with these people. We ended the week with testimonies from some of our squad leaders, and that really brought me a sense of peace about where I am in my journey with the Lord. He spoke some more truth in me, and I am going to declare it to all of you, too!
I am not going to “change” on the Race. I am going to realize my true identity in Christ. I’ve already started. Lord, help me continue to resemble my true self more and more!
In all things, be blessed!
AG
