Our God is a God who knows us and calls us by name. He is a God who wants to connect with us, talk with us, and bring us a deeper sense of understanding about our lives. Sometimes, though, He does this in ways that we wish He wouldn’t. But in the end, it all works for our good.
This post will be about some of the thoughts that I wrestled with this past Saturday. Consider it a “part 1” of things I learned from that night. I try my best to journal as often as I can (every night, if possible), so here is an excerpt from my journaled thoughts:
09.22.18 – It is 10:24 right now on a Saturday night. I am laying here, trying to calm my mind before work tomorrow, but I’m feeling like Someone wants to talk… “Lord, can’t we talk about this some other time?” I want to say. “I didn’t even ask any questions. Why now?”
As I told my squad mates, I really feel like the Lord is doing some major open heart surgery on me. I feel like He is telling me some truths about my life and my future, but to do that, He has to cut through some scars from past hurst and failures. We’ve all been there, where we feel the Lord calling us to action. That’s how I feel now. It feels like something is trying to claw it’s way out, and I am trying my absolute hardest to keep it down. Could this offend people? Maybe, and that makes me feel nervous. But sometimes, the hard truths aren’t the ones we accept easily.
Please note: this is uncomfortable for me to say, so just be aware that some of this might make you uncomfortable. I humbly ask you to give me grace if you disagree with me on this, but I feel a burden on my heart to discuss this and think there is some truth to unlock here. As I learned in church last week, “Need+Awareness=Responsibility,” and boy did that wreck me. So here I am, stepping out in faith when every other fiber of my being is telling me not to.
If you know me, you know that one of the most frustrating things for me growing up was everyone assuming that I was gay. It was so hard for me to make friends, especially with other guys. Guys thought I was hitting on them all the time, even though I never was. Even my closest friends stopped hanging around me because of the bullying that I was being subjected to. They were afraid that people would say something about THEM because they were hanging out with “the weird, nerdy, gay kid.”
That kind of emotional damage can really mess up a person’s mind, so for a long time in my life, I wasn’t sure what I was or who I was. Thankfully, I found the Lord and He showed me who I really am. And the funny thing is, He’s been saying it from the very first time I heard my name.
Bullying is horrible, especially when it is not something you can control. My mannerisms have always been “flamboyant” and my voice isn’t the stereotypical “manly” voice you would expect. But I’m really just a normal guy. I’ve always been that. And what’s more “shocking” to others is finding out that I DON’T identify as a homosexual. So I’m a guy who is non-traditional and maybe a bit quirky, right? Does this make me any less of a man? Let’s take a look at something that is traditional about me: my name.
Do you know what the name “Andrew” means? MAN or MANLY. That’s right! The very definition of man! “Oh, the irony,” you are probably thinking. I remember when I was a camp counselor, I told this tidbit of information to my group of 3rd graders, and one of the girls brutally told me, “You need a new name.” At one point, I would have agreed with her. I hated my name, but I love it now! I love that I challenge the very idea of how men have to behave and think. I love that I can redefine it in our society, and I hope that the Lord helps me stay true to His intentions for manhood in my strive to show the world what being a man is really about. I think my naming was intentional. The Lord knows no mistakes and I’m sure this was part of His plan from the beginning. Lord, help me show the world the real definition of manhood.
I created you, “Man,” in My image. I created you to take care of creation. I created you to teach others about who I really Am! They misunderstood who YOU were, and they misunderstand who I AM. We are the same in this.
That thought popped into my head while journaling, and it about broke me. I believe that if the Lord were to speak to me about my name, THAT is what He would say. I like to think that maybe that was a divine word that He spoke into my consciousness, but who is to say for sure? Lord, speak! I want to hear YOUR thoughts about me, not what the world says about me.
Food for thought. Never assume anything about a person, because you never know what the Lord is doing in the hearts or their lives at any given time. Also remember, sometimes the Lord works in ways that seem contrary to our expectations and opinions. He uses the weak to shame the things that are strong. He uses the foolish to humble the wise. He can definitely uses the “unmanly” to teach the “manly.”
In all things, be blessed!
AG
