Dear Home,
I left a lot of people. And I left for a long time. And during that time I missed a lot.
But I left everyone behind for a purpose. A purpose that trumps all emotional ties. And I don’t regret it at all. I mean this year alone, I have seen, witnessed, and experienced the most amazing things. I have met new people, fallen in love with places and with little kids all over the world. I have grown into a better version of myself and I have made lifelong friendships with the people I got to do this thing with.
And yes, it has been an absolute dream, but it has also been really hard. And to be honest, there have been moments where I’ve thought of home a lot. I’ve missed birthdays, holidays, weddings, celebrations, watching my friends kids grow up, being there for my people during important times of their life. There’s been many moments where if I could have flown home for a day just to be with YOU, I would have.
But again being honest, there have also been days where I didn’t think of home at all.
And so now that I’m coming back home, I need you to know that just how there were days I thought all about you on the race, there will be days I’ll think all about the race while I’m with you. And just how there were days I didn’t think of home at all while on the race, there will be days I don’t think of the race at all when I am first home. Those days are just silent and therefore, less noticeable.
So first things first, Thank you.
Thank you for releasing me into the world and letting me cross borders and finding that feeling of home in other parts of the world. Thank you for writing me notes and sending me photos and helping me grow. Thank you for praying for me and encouraging me and wishing only the best for me. Thank you for staying updated and following along with me from month to month. This means more to me than just having that support system back at home. All of that combined made it possible to take you guys with me around the globe. I have memories with you in Malaysia. When I look back on Swaziland, you were there. While my heart became spread thin as I placed little pockets of where “home” is for me all around the world, you became another constant in that equation. So thank you for sticking with me through this journey. Long distance isn’t easy. It takes a LOT of patience and phone calls at awkward hours. It takes having one conversation over the course of a week because I don’t have wifi. It takes commitment. And YOU did all that for me. You truly don’t realize how much that meant to me.
Secondly, I love you guys a lot and I’m extremely excited to be back.
But being back also means losing something else. It means losing the community and the new friends and family made. It means ending a really good chapter. I’m going to need to talk about it and decompress it. And because it meant so much to me, I’ll want to share it with you. Not to boast or brag, but to share important moments of my past year to people important to me. So let me talk about that festival in Thailand and that kid in Lesotho that I cried leaving.
But also, realize I want to hear about what I missed in your life too. No, it’s not too normal. I want to hear about your job, your family; what’s been hard what’s been good. Honestly, it’ll be exciting and home-y to be around a little bit of normal for once. But most importantly, I want to hear about your life because you’re important to me.
When I get home, I’ll be craving deep conversations. I’ve had mostly deep conversations since the moment I left 11 months ago. So if that means that we get together and we talk for an hour about your upcoming decision I WOULD LOVE THAT. Because YOU are irreplaceable. And now that I’ve been without you for a year, I’m seriously lacking in us time.
When I’m back, please be patient with me.
Honestly, I’m a little nervous to get back into “real life”. Because that’s not my real life anymore. My real life is living in tight community and traveling often and doing whatever I’m told to do. It’s knowing exactly everything that is going on in the people’s lives around me because it’s the same as what is going on in my own. It’s literally having way too long of a conversation about which washing machine works the best because that’s the most exciting thing we have to talk about (and was actually truly exciting because that meant we weren’t washing out own clothes for once). All that to say, that’s my new normal. This wasn’t just a “trip”, this was my life. So I’m a little nervous to come home and ask you the right questions. I’m nervous to just jump right back into American regular life while still grieving World Race regular life.
And just like it took some time to transition into the World Race, it’ll take some time to transition back to the United States.
And just how I brought you with me onto the race, I’ll need to bring the race back with me. This might mean telling you stories that make you feel uncomfortable. It might mean telling you the most tragic things I experienced since being gone. Know that I don’t expect you to understand and I don’t expect you to know exactly what to say. But please don’t ask those questions unless you truly want to hear the answer. I don’t want to broadcast the sad and the glorious parts of the world around and around if it’s going to be lost. I don’t want to do that disservice to all the wonderful people and places I’ve met and seen.
But I will want to share about those things because they are worth sharing, just like how I told my teammates all about you. Because you were the people I missed and were worth sharing about. As I made my teammates sit and listen to stories about my family and friends in high school and college and pulled up pictures to go along with the stories, I’ll want to do the same with you. Please give me grace in that.
And please initiate contact. For the last 11 months, I’ve lived one foot away from my community. It wasn’t that hard to hang out and start up conversations. When I get back home, there’s a lot of people I want to reconnect with. If I don’t reach out to you right away, please don’t be offended. I’m going to have to take it slow. But also please reach out to me and invite me to your house or invite yourself over to mine. I actually can not wait to see you IN PERSON. So don’t be afraid that I won’t want to get together because unless I literally can’t my answer will be an excited “YES!”.
Alllllll this to say: YOU are LOVED. I am so happy to be reunited with you. It’s just going to be a little hard at times.
And if you take away nothing else from this letter, know that most importantly, I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I want to hear about your life. And I’ll try to avoid the “how was the last 11 months of your life?” question if you promise to avoid the “how was the trip?” question.
Deal?
Love you all the most,
Can’t wait to hug you in person,
See you in 12 days,
-Amanda
