This past Wednesday and Thursday, March 20th and 21st, my team and I went to a juvenile detention center where we hung out with girls from the age of 17 to 24. They were taught an english lesson then came over to my team and I and practiced on us. We did karaoke, we danced, we talked, we laughed, and we just had a great two days. The second day we were there one of my teammates, Kate, shared a part of her testimony with these girls. She talked about how she was in an abusive situation for a couple years and didn’t know what it was or what was happening until she was in the middle of it. Let me just say it had all of us shedding tears and because I have the gift of compassion and can feel emotions so deeply, I felt my heart grow heavy and my body tingling after hearing her story. The girls in the juvenile detention center threw up peace signs, meaning stay strong, you are brave, etc., along with hearts, and some prayers. In the middle of all this I just felt all kinds of emotions. It brought up emotions and feelings from my past of not feeling worthy, not being enough, not being pretty or skinny enough, not feeling worthy of love, not feeling wanted by others, etc. Our host then asked for some of us from our team to pray and my teammate, Kat, immediately said, “I think you should pray”, and so that is exactly what I did. I prayed and just spoke the words God laid on my heart for these girls. I told them that they are loved, they are wanted, and they are beautiful. I told them that they are not alone, they have a Lord who loves them despite their sins or wrongdoings. That the Lord is with them through all of this and that he will be there till the end and will continue to build a relationship with them. I told them that he forgives them of their sins and that they are going to be okay, that God has their back. These are the truths that he had spoken over me not too long ago and it seemed like the exact words they needed to hear from the Lord through me. I felt like I got all my words out that I needed and that I gave everything I could possibly give to these girls.
It was not until I was sitting in the van heading back to our base where we were staying that I just felt emotion after emotion flooding over me. I just started to cry and at first I did not understand why or what happened to me within those five minutes of walking to the van and driving away, but then I realized something that I did not necessarily want to. I realized that I cared so much for those girls even after only knowing them for about four hours between those two days. I saw so much of myself in them because I never felt worthy for anyone and I always felt like I was not good enough for anyone to seek after me, which is why it is so hard for me to accept love from friends, or family, or even God. I felt so many emotions about Kate’s testimony because I realized that it probably happened to a lot of these girls in here, that they can relate to her story, and will be impacted by what she shared with them. Then it made me angry that people would be so cruel to do that to someone, let alone someone who I have come to adore and love on my team. She did not deserve this and neither did the girls, but here we are today still fighting this common thing that happens around the world.
Anyway, that second day with the girls just hit me a lot harder than I thought it would and brought out a lot of emotion inside me. Once we got back to the base I sat with some of the girls on my team and just talked and cried a lot. I expressed how I felt I did not do everything I could, did not talk about the Lord enough, did not tell them how much they are loved, was not as intentional as I could have been. That is when my team spoke truth into me and into that day in particular. Since coming here I have struggled with short term mission trips because you do not get to make deep relationships with people and you do not get to see the seed grow into something amazing. But my team told me that I cannot do this on my own and that is why he placed these girls in my life to help me along this journey and why God is partnering with me each and everyday because even though I do not get to see the seed grow within these girls, God will be there to pick it up. He sent us to pave a way, a path for him to come in and show these girls who he is and that he has forgiven them and loves them so much. I realized that I did leave as much as I could there and I also realized that I have a heart for the broken and that while I can relate to them I can also tell “the broken” my story and help them find their unique stories. Everyone’s story is different and that is totally fine, but sharing them and expressing your emotion and feelings behind all these experiences and hard aches brings you closer to God and closer to the Kingdom. God is waiting patiently for each and everyone of you and his arms are wide open ready to welcome you home.
With Love,
Alyse
