Contrary to what this title may lead you to believe there will be no Britney Spears songs linked to this blog. Probably. Maybe? Okay, it is highly unlikely.
I have been striving to be as open and honest on these blogs as I could possibly be and feel as though I have been successful thus far. In saying this, today I am coming to you with some dirt, on myself. I’m going to dig into the crevices of who I am and really share my heart with you guys. Brace yourselves, it’s about to get real.
This blog is really going to tie into my last blog so, if you haven’t read it please check it out here!
Now that you’ve read that blog you (HOPEFULLY) have an understanding of my journey to salvation and to a relationship with Christ. And, since this blog was written a few months prior to my World Race acceptance (possibly before I had even begun the application process) let me catch you up on what’s been going on in my life and my walk…
First and foremost, I just want to speak to God’s goodness and the crazy awesomeness of HIS plans. My last blog ended with the end of a relationship and ultimately the indefinite pause of a friendship. I am going to give you guys a timeline on how that went down. (I swear, it’s relevant)
2002: We met in our second grade classroom.
2009: We began a real friendship from the start of 8-9 grade.
2012: My feelings began to develop; we decided to remain only friends.
October 2017: We began a relationship.
February 2018: He ended that relationship.
Feb-May 2018: Chaos struck as we tried to mend a friendship and find a new normal.
May 20, 2018: We decided to indefinitely cut ties.
May 21, 2018: I received my official acceptance to The World Race.
I am providing you with this timeline to point out two very specific dates, May 20 and May 21. May 20 is the day I gave up my plans, it was the day I surrendered any inclination I thought I had to what my future held. I gave up myself and my fleshly desires and I chose to follow Christ. I had no idea where I was going but I was finally ready. May 21, less than 24 hours after I surrendered something I had desired for well over 5 years God gave me the true, but forgotten, desires of my heart. He gave me his plan and his story for my life and so far it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine or orchestrate on my own.
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
Psalm 37:4-5 (ESV)
This is one of the clearest examples in my life where I delighted in the Lord and trusted in his plans for me. Only to have him respond by giving me exactly what he knew I needed and what he had been preparing me for in the long run. I am quickly learning that God does nothing coincidentally, every part of who you are and what you have done is a part of his story and is leading you to his plan in your life.
Now you are updated on that and you have a little bit more insight on what brought me to the World Race so, let’s get to the original intentions of this blog, let’s talk about my walk.
I am writing today to confess that I broke a promise I made to God. In my previous blog I talk about how my life has contained many broken moments before the cross in which I would let God heal me and comfort me. Then, I would promptly stand up, dust off my knees, and walk away. Like, thanks God for making me feel better, I think I’ve got it from here. To give you some insight into my personality, I’m independent and I don’t like relying on anyone, and that includes Jesus. When I say I am an independent woman who don’t need no man, I mean that. But God, he is funny sometimes. He has a way of bringing you back to your knees time and time (and time, and time, and time) again until you are as humble as you think you are going to get. **Fun fact, you can always be made more humble.**
That is where I was in March. I was FINALLY fed up with my own patterns of independence and wanted to rely on God always. So, I made a promise to remain broken before the cross, to stay on my knees with my head bowed and to allow God to not only comfort me but use me. And, I stuck to this promise for a while allowing God to bring me to the race and really start to reveal himself and his plans for me. But, then, I happened. I let my anxieties about fundraising seep in, I allowed my still healing heart to overwhelm me, I let my fleshly desires gnaw at my soul, and I let every bit of independence and PRIDE I had surrendered before the cross back into my life. Once again; I stood up, dusted off my knees, and said” God, I think I’ve got it from here.”
Well guys, you can imagine this didn’t go over too well. But, lucky for me, God has provided me with a pretty great support system who often checks my heart (If you haven’t seen that John Crist video watch it now and thank me later) and with some gut punch moments, little pockets of wisdom from some of my people, and lots of intentional time spent with God I have found myself back down on my knees broken before Jesus. I am in awe that I would even allow myself to break away from closeness with Jesus in the first place or that I would allow myself to stop looking for comfort in his presence and safety in his words. But, also, so humbled that I have a God who would take me in and seek me out even when I am being unlovable and even when I am being a brat.
God, I am so thankful for your grace and your unending love even when I attempt to push it away or even when I think I may be better off without it.
Ya’ll bottom line here is: find Jesus, accept his grace, and humble yourself before him. It may not always be the easiest thing you do but I promise it will be beautiful and it will be worth it.
Support Raising: I am at $1,800!!! Praise the Lord for his goodness in this and thank you to my friends who continue reminding me that God has this!
Please be praying for me as I am spiritually preparing myself for this journey and as God points things out to me and brings about change in my life!
You guys are so amazing and have showered me with an outpouring of love and support that my heart was not prepared for. Thank you all so much for keeping up with me, for praying for me, and for financially supporting me! If you want to make sure you don’t miss a single update subscribe here!
