Full disclosure: This is a blog post I had written on a previous blog that I chose to stop writing in after acceptance to The World Race. However, I thought it would provide some insight into my journey and where I am in my relationship with Christ. I will still be updating my blog later this month and quite possibly referring back to this blog so, be on the lookout! Love you guys!
My Journey to Brokenness
Learning how to go through the motions of being “a good christian” is probably one of the easiest and most detrimental things I have ever done and it led to me finding myself in a place of brokenness, begging God to fix me, begging him to take away my pain more times than I care to admit. But, I was unwilling to give up the ways of the world, I was unwilling to live my life for him. This led to me bouncing around between breaking down before the cross and completely ignoring God altogether for the majority of my adolescence. Eventually, pretending to be a devout Christian landed me on a mission trip. At 17, I found myself in the Dominican Republic for 7 days, this was where God got me. He caught me off guard in a foreign country where pretending to follow Jesus was noticeable and he revealed himself to me in ways my young, naive self never expected.
There is something about praying with an elderly woman, in a hut, in the middle of a village surrounded by sugar cane fields; neither one of you speaks the others language but as you pray with her (or better yet, let her pray because you have never been so out of your comfort zone) you are overcome with the presence of Christ and spiritually brought to your knees. This, this was my saving grace, my “come to Jesus” moment, the death of my spiritual emptiness. I immediately felt the call to share Jesus and love on people and I knew my time ministering to those who were quite frankly, just like me had only begun. God provided me with a light that I couldn’t wait to shine on everyone around me.
When I got home I threw myself into ministry: I started teaching in a kids class at church, I went to bible studies, I helped with the street ministry, I even started a bible study of my own but nothing ever felt like enough. I wasn’t studying, my prayer life was inconsistent, and no part of me ever meditated on the word or sat in the presence of Jesus, just to listen.I was doing what I thought a “good christian” was supposed to do which,at the time, at least felt better than ignoring him all together however, neither of these circumstances was glorifying christ, neither provided fruition. I was just as in the wrong then as I had been previously.
Eventually, I prayed more often and I studied the word some, still pretty inconsistently but I thought I could feel where God was leading me. Then, at 22, I began dating the man who I thought held the key to my future. This kickstarted my studying, I wanted nothing more than to be a perfect wife, who becomes a perfect mother, and has perfect children with her perfect husband. I convinced myself that I was seeking God’s will in all of this while I was blatantly ignoring all of the plans that God had set forth before me, plans that had nothing to do with immediately becoming someone’s wife.
Four and a half months after this relationship began it ended in an ocean of tears. For the millionth time in my life I found myself broken before the God of the Universe begging him to take away my pain. I was angry, I was confused, and I had no idea where my life was heading but God took all of this away in four very simple words, “Thy will be done.” It’s been two months since our relationship ended and God has set these words before me in some way every day since. He has brought me out of my pain and directed my eye towards him.
No part of me was okay with this relationship ending, I was invested, I was in love, I thought I had all the answers. I was wrong. As I poured myself into Christ and reached out to him in my pain he reminded me of the plans he had for me, he reminded me that his timing and his path are greater than my own. Since, I have learned the need to be broken, I have learned the need to be humbled before the cross and instead of deciding to get back up and dust myself off after God had mended me, this time I am choosing to stay broken. I am choosing to stay on my knees, humbled before Christ. This is where I belong, this is where clarity is found, this is where Christ is glorified.
