Don’t mistake the title as downplaying the importance of this blog. This is something very close and very personal, it should not be taken lightheartedly in anyway. It’s something I’ve struggled with for the past few years and know that I will continue to struggle with. Over the last year God has showed me that this is no longer who I am and that I now get to speak into other’s lives and help them through this struggle.
Your past is a curious thing. There are some people who have pasts that don’t affect them in negative ways very often (i.e. healthy childhood). There are others whose past will haunt them everyday until they take it to God and sort it out with Him (i.e. unhealthy childhood). Then there are people who have taken their pasts to God and dealt with it but, still have not apologized to those in their life whom they affected in their past. The amount of possible combinations is endless, that’s what makes your past such a curious thing. Out of the three I mentioned I happen to be in the last category.
I was raised in a Christian home. My parents were, and still are, absolutely amazing. They instilled just about everything I would need to succeed in life in me at a young age. Of course along with that came things I didn’t love, one of which is that they were very strict. I wasn’t allowed to have a phone until I was sixteen, I wasn’t allowed to go to public school (I asked to about every year of high school if I could stop being home schooled), I wasn’t allowed to hang out with a lot of people unless my parents knew them well, I couldn’t attend the overnight part of youth group events (I could go for the night and come back in the morning but not stay the night), I only went to middle school camp once, etc. This lead to me holding resentment towards my parents for those things and more. That was something that I had to work through and take to God as well as my parents, but that is for another blog.
Because of the way I was raised, I felt like an outcast. It was hard enough to just be homeschooled and make friends but then with all the added things it was near impossible to make friends. The friends I did have I saw about once a week and that was it. The rest of the time was spent at home doing school (absolutely loved being homeschool) and wrestling practice at the nearby high school. I felt alone and defeated. I lacked confidence in myself and didn’t think I had anything to offer to anyone. Then, junior year of high school, a girl liked me.
For obvious reasons, I will not mention names or details in this blog. The people I wrote this blog for might never read it but I felt God place this on my heart as something I needed to write, and when God places something on your heart it is 100% worth it to follow Him.
She was my first kiss and all of the sudden I had all the confidence in the world. I began to feel acceptance and, what I thought was love, from relationships. Beginning a downward spiral away from God and who He calls me to be. This relationship quickly turned into, lets text every hour of everyday and kiss whenever possible. Of course in my infinite wisdom, at the age of seventeen, I believed I would marry her. Here’s the catch, I wasn’t allowed to date, so naturally like a teenager does, I didn’t tell my parents because I knew what was best. The relationship died when I decided she wasn’t worth telling my parents about and that was the end of it. If you ever read this, know that you are worthy of love and respect and I did not steward that well. This was me acting as a boy and not the man God has called me to be. To my first kiss, I’m sorry.
Then came a summer crush. This relationship started out as most do, with friendship. We were great friends and hung out a lot. We got along extremely well and understood each other very quickly. It rapidly turned from friendship into attraction and from attraction to sexual very quickly. I saw myself possibly marrying her though… so it was okay right? It was a summer of making poor choices and acting as though there would be no consequences for my actions. My thought process was “As long as I don’t have sex then it’s okay.” This thought process would lead to more stupid decisions and countless opportunities for me to learn, and still choose not to. If you ever read this, you are worthy of love and respect and I did not steward that well. This was me acting as a boy and not the man God has called me to be. To my first summer crush, I’m sorry.
Summer camp is where teenagers thrive…at being infatuated with someone, and I was no acception. I fell for a girl and of course acted like a fool the entire relationship. We dated for six months but I still wasn’t allowed to date, so I just didn’t tell my parents. My parents never found out and to this day I never told them (until I sent this to them to proofread). That relationship turned sexual quickly as well, again in my mind it was okay because I saw myself marrying her. If you ever read this, you are worthy of love and respect and I did not steward that well. This was me acting as a boy and not the man God has called me to be. To my first camp crush, I’m sorry.
To all the women that I hurt, manipulated, and lead on with my words and actions. Blame me and my own foolishness, I did not accurately represent Christ and how he calls men to act. I acted out of my own vanity and conceitedness. I failed on so many levels to keep Christ the center of my life and it not only continually let me down but hurt all of you in the process. If you ever read this, you are worthy of love and respect and I did not steward that well. This was me acting as a boy and not the man God has called me to be. To the women I treated poorly and not with the respect a woman deserves and shouldn’t have to fight for, I’m sorry.
Relationships are a beautiful thing when done well and in the presence of God. My first serious relationship was everything you’d expect it to be. There were great things about it that her and I got to experience and there were the things that I should have done much better and were hard because of how I acted. It was hard to let go of but in the end it was what was best for both of us. Thank you for all you taught me and for letting me in to experience life with you. I had to learn to let you go and know that things will never be “normal” again. I hope you are doing well and continually fight for a relationship with God. When you read this, know that you are worthy of love and respect and I failed many times and in many ways to steward that well. This was me acting as a boy and not the man God has called me to be. To my first serious relationship, I’m sorry.
This is the past of someone who repeatedly and deliberately chose not to step into what God was calling me to. I felt as though I knew what would make me happy and yet I continually felt empty inside and acted as if physical things and women could fill those voids. I don’t write this out of pride or for a response from any of these women forgiving me. As I sit here and write this, I feel more defeated than I ever have. I feel defeated because I know I could have done much better than I did. I failed to represent Christ in many ways and failed to treat women in the ways that they deserve and that my parents taught me. I don’t expect forgiveness for the things that I did and the ways I hurt these women. This blog is more so about needing to forgive myself and more importantly apologizing to the women that were hurt by my foolishness. To allow myself to embrace the grace and freedom that God gives us. I know that I am no longer the boy that made these mistakes. I can stand on the other side of this and admit to others and myself that I was a boy and acted accordingly.
There are a lot of things I could continue to say or ramble on about, but I think writing anymore would take away from what I have written and that’s the last thing I want to do. This probably wasn’t a blog anyone was expecting to read, then again, isn’t that what The Race is about? Diving into the unexpected and embracing the changes God will take you through?
– Zach
