This is something a little different. For the past few weeks I have been in this place of feeling distant from God. I know that he is there. But to me it seems like there is so much more that I’m not walking in. I was talking with my mentor the other day and she told me not to shame or get down on myself but be thankful that God is inviting me deeper. And I am. It had a big effect on me. But still while I know the truth my feelings betray that truth. And my feelings are not truth. But they are real. So I’ve been listening to different podcasts and I came upon the Church of Eleven22 Desire for God. And in it he talks about a lot but he also runs over this topic. And he speaks of Altars in the Old Testament. He talks about the Altars being created for many things but one thing in particular is to remind the people of Israel of the acts of God. So that when they feel lost or like God isn’t there they can look back on his faithfulness and see how he moved.
I love this idea. I love that the Israelites were so fired up when God did move. I love the thought of taking time to look back on the past to remind ourselves of when God did move. Because a lot of the times it doesn’t seem like he is. And a lot of times it seems like he’s silent. But we should all have these points in our lives that are essentially Altars, journey markers if you will, that remind us of the times we did see God move. And not just the times we saw him move but also the desperation beforehand and the miracles after.
My thoughts instantly go to some easy things.
- I should be dead. No doubt about that one. The times and things I have done should have killed me. I’ve woken up and not known how I’ve gotten home. I have blacked out long before I made it home. I have drank and drugged and mixed cocktails that aren’t technically legal anywhere. Yet for some reason, which I now know, I’m still here.
- He saved me from a ten year path of addiction to almost everything, porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, you name it and I used it. My addiction was just symptoms of the real issues way deeper. Abandonment, loss of a loved one or in my case multiple loved ones, abuse, fear of man, fear of rejection, a lot of childhood trauma.
- The freedom to be broken from the list above. Not just the addictions but the chains holding me down. A college dropout who could barley hold a job. No direction or purpose in life. The lies of the world that I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t worth loving, I didn’t deserve happiness.
These are a few of the things He saved me from. Other Altars include:
The first time I felt and knew unconditional love. My mom was with me at a church. Visiting me in my program and I had something hidden from her for a long time. The shame I carried with it never left my mind. Until I told her. And I remember is both sitting there crying and she said “if you think this makes me love you any less you are so wrong, I love you even more”. One day I will share this. I have with a lot of people but for all parties it’s not time.
The first time I felt love from a group of men who actually understood me. I had just written and presented my resentment letters, letters at the bound where you go through and list all of the things people including yourself, God and in my case my father who passed had done to hurt you and how it affected you. I remember reading some of the hardest letters I had ever written to the people I loved the most to these men and crying on the stool I was sitting on. My intern at the time Austin asked me how I was feeling and I just remember saying I felt alone, like I did my entire life. At no longer bound we carry our assignments in our pockets with us at all times to represent what we have been carrying our whole lives. (Trust me, it’s heavy). I then remember him taking the letters from me and passing them out to my classmates and himself and saying that they would carry them until I was ready. I no longer felt alone.
The first real experience of God. I had just presented one of the biggest assignments in the program. Rejection and the lies I believed because of it. We do some prayers where you are so broken down God shows up, hard to explain but ask me more if you are interested. I remember when we did mine he didn’t show. Like my whole life he wasn’t there. I was broken. I thought this was the only way for me to get healing was to see God in this moment. But later that night I was in bed and I had a vision. I was at the river and I could feel the cold water on my toes and the sun on my face and I knew God was there. Then I was on a back porch. I was just a little fella swimming in the baby pool on the deck. And I couldn’t see my Dad but I knew for the first time in my life that he was there.
Experiencing true forgiveness. As we go through life we become debt collectors. We take the hurts others have caused us and we begin to keep a list, even if it’s only subconsciously it’s there and it affects the way we treat others and the way we allow others to treat us. I remember making my list of debts for each person and when it came to mine there was no doubt it was how I subconsciously lived my life. I was acting out of what I thought the universe or whoever owed me for my own sins. I remember presenting it and going into prayer. I remember being in the ocean. I remember the chains around my neck that were so heavy. And I remember asking God to take them from me. And one by one they sank. And we weren’t in deep water but I could see them going down, to the point I knew they weren’t coming back up. I remember handing my shame and guilt to God and then resting and floating in the ocean. When I got up from the presentation I felt like all the weight I had carried was lifted off of me. I remember being able to look men and women around campus in the eyes because I was no longer who my shame told me I was. I was forgiven.
I remember being baptized. I had attended North Point Community Church since it was a tent in the grass lot. So it was a true blessing that No Longer Bound began taking their men there shortly before I arrived. I remember always wanting to be baptized in that pool where I kind of felt somewhat close to a god but not the God. And then I remember my decision to not get baptized there. Instead I wanted a small celebration with my coworkers, who were and are also my family. And I didn’t want an ordained priest who didn’t know me to dunk me. I wanted one of the most influential men, Sawyer Green shoutout big dawg, of my life at that point. Someone who saw past my flesh and hurts and pushed me to really look at myself. Someone who challenged me but also loved me. I wanted him to baptize me. And I didn’t want the pool at church I wanted the hooch cause that’s where I spent most of my high school time. That’s where I went with God when we needed to talk. That’s where I still go. And it was bittersweet not being at north point but I remember the song Death Was Arrested, a song by my church, coming on the radio as we pulled up to the river. The feeling that I still got to be with the church while being intimate with God in a new way.
I remember being “extra screened” for the world race. Probably a smart move because my address was a rehabilitation center in Georgia. I remember being so upset that the route I had applied early for was filled by the time I got accepted. It usually takes about two weeks it took me about a month. I was so upset with the organization because my past was wrecking my plans. But what I didn’t know what that my bosses parents who greatly impacted my journey would be leading my new squad. Or that my mentor would be one of the most influential people I have met in walking in truth and the kingdom. Or the many people I met or made relationships with due to that slight hiccup. The influence that decision alone has had on my future is incredible. Once heading for a real estate license now heading for a 9 month school in Spain in March to learn how to build missional communities and spread the Kingdom of God. And I say spread but it’s already here more like invite others into the Kingdom.
To be honest I could go on and on with the altars. I don’t sit and look back and wish I was back in these moments. That would be sad. Gods moving everyday around us and we get to be apart of new revelations constantly. But I do know when my feelings feel stronger than my truths I can look back at these and know God was there. I can look back at the hardest times of my life and like Jacob said.
Genesis 28:16 “Surely God is in this place and I did not know it”.
Now I know it. And I won’t soon forget.
Maybe, I typed this just for my sake. Maybe, it’s helped some of you. I’ll leave you with this.
What are your Altars?
Or even if you can’t think of any…
What are some moments of your life that could be altars and you just aren’t aware?
If you aren’t sure, just ask God. Where were you when I wasn’t aware? He will show up. It may be hard to hear and you have to look for it but He will show up.
And as you move forward, I guess more so as we move forward in this journey. Don’t forget to build the Altars.
I love you all. God is Good
Thomas Pond
