Man, I could really go on and on today about the things that I have and how grateful I am for all of them. I have an incredible family whom I love. I have a unique support system that would drop anything to lend a helping hand. I have a God who loves me unconditionally and I actually believe it. I’m on the trip of a life time serving and seeing God move and provide in ways that I never thought I could. And while I am grateful I’m also pretty sad. Things have been great this month and my journey has been incredible. But I wanted to create some space to be real and just put some thoughts down.
Team change was hard for me. I grew so close with my people that this month started off challenging. I love the men I am with now but it’s a process just like life. I got used to those people and the atmosphere we created and we have a bond I’ll never forget. Rwanda was a shock. I think really anytime you go to a new country or continent it’s a bit of a culture shock. Your new. The food is new. The people are new. The way you do things are all new. Then there’s just being away from home. Carrying all of your belongings with you. Traveling from place to place. The days when you wish you could just make a call but don’t have data. Or when the time change is so great while your up everyone’s asleep. Sometimes I just wanna be at home with my family and dog, watch a movie and relax. Taco Mac with the boys for any reason I can find to celebrate with some hot wings. Sometimes I wanna swing by tbell and eat something that reminds me of home. These little things that I was so accustomed to are so far out of reach. Then I think with every big change there’s a wall. I definitely hit mine recently. You look up and you have done so much but the thought of being away from those comforts is still so far off. I start to question if a year is really worth it. I think ya I’ve made it this far but there’s so much farther to go. And I’m grateful for my journey but I’m just trying to be real about some feelings I think a lot of people face. Whether your on a mission trip or a work trip. Maybe you just left for college or you moved for work. I feel like these are thoughts we can all relate to at some point in our lives.
So some of this has been building for a while and then we get to today. A holiday that is so close to my heart. Growing up my family never functioned well at these events. Brutally honest, it was chaos. And I was a big part of that. In fact I spent a lot of them wishing I were somewhere else or waiting till I could leave to go see my friends and party. It wasn’t till two years I ago I really began to love them. And now I wouldn’t trade these for much. Just being in the presence of the people I love and who love me regardless of where I have been or where I’m currently at. I miss it. I’m missing it a lot today.
But through all of this there is a silver lining. A God moment if you will. A gratitude that I never thought I would realize. Right now as I’ve been going through this these past few weeks I am really feeling it. I’m really sitting in these feelings. And I’m not allowing them to rule me or cause me to act out. I’m not turning to a drink to numb them but I’m feeling them fully. Because feeling things is what makes us human. I wanna say ever since my dad passed away I never fully felt anything. There was always an escape. A party to run to. A drink to have or a pill to take. There was always something so that I wouldn’t have to feel it. But now I’m realizing that I don’t have to feel it. I get to feel it. I get to be apart of this crazy life that brings the ups and downs with it. To feel low at some points and to miss things but to know that it ok. That I am ok. And that even though things are tough I am surrounded by family and my team and I’m gonna get through it. I’m going to still praise God and thank him for the ability to feel. Because I know when the highs come they come hard. And without these low times I wouldn’t be able to appreciate those highs. Sure I’m missing out on somethings back home but they’ll come again. There’s always a holiday on the horizon. But what wasn’t on the horizon for me at one point was joy. There wasn’t much looking forward to these things I miss. Because I was numb. To all of it. I never truly felt my lows until I had to. I never experienced the pain of being away from family because I was filling myself with what I thought would make me happy. But that’s not what life’s about. That’s not what brings true joy.
What makes me the happiest?
Being with my people. Being childlike and carefree to be me and make jokes about gluten to my mom or just squeezing her so tight when I see her that I always hurt her, sorry again ma. Or picking on my brothers beautiful wife, Skylar, purely out of the truest form of love. The moments when Jake is home and we all get to be together laughing. Blasting the new migos song with the car full including my mother and rapping the not so wholesome lyrics with my older brother Joe. And of course who could forget stinky Sarah. Just being able to talk to her about real things like we never did before and of course consistently pointing out her smell (she really doesn’t smell bad we’re just messing around). These are the things I miss so much. And I am grateful for them everyday but especially today. I’m grateful for the pain and the lows because they always point me back to the highs.
Anyways. Happy Thanksgiving y’all.
Love you!
