[I would like to preface this by saying it is currently 1 a.m. while I'm starting to write this blog. Does it make sense? Who knows!]
33 hours.
That’s how much time there is until I’m on my way to training camp. In 33 hours, I’ll be getting off a plane at the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. The shuttle won’t leave for a few hours, so I’ll have time to wander around and find where I’m supposed to go. Directions aren’t my strong point, so I’ll have to ask for directions. However, talking to strangers isn’t my strong point either, so…Well, I’ll probably have to get over that soon enough. Anyway, I’ll wander around a bit, maybe stop to take a picture of the planes leaving or just arriving.
I might find a spot on the floor or a chair somewhere to take a small catnap. Having to wake up at 4:30 really took a lot out of me, as is evident by my messy hair and bags under my eyes. I’ll be tired, but happy. Happy and anxious. Excited?
I might take a break to sit and read for a bit, since I have some time to spare. Reading clears my head, when I allow it to. I packed a book just for the training camp trip, and I’ve been waiting to get started on it. I might flip through whichever bible I decided to bring, trying to find a passage that will cure my last-minute nerves that will inevitably show up*.
I might turn and see a familiar face. Not one I’ve seen in person before, but one I’ve been waiting to see. A new friend. Someone I’m being thrown into this life-changing experience with. A squadmate. I might not immediately remember their name, and I’ll be embarrassed, but after hearing it from them once, I’ll never forget it again. Meeting new people is a terrifying experience for me, but somehow I’ll feel like I’ve known this person for a while now.
In 33 hours, the beginning of one of the most intense, confusing, freeing, and clarifying periods of my life will begin. The urge to put on armor and act as I’ve acted most of my life will be strong, pushing at me as soon as I step off of the airplane, but something tells me this is going to be a time where armor isn’t necessary. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Subject Change!
There are some verses we were given to memorize for training camp, and I’d like to share some thoughts on them real quick. These are thoughts that first ran through my head when reading these, trying to apply them to my soon-to-be life.
1)Matthew 28:19-20 — “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
How am I even the kind of person that God will use to do any of these things? I feel like I barely know how to read God’s teachings and put them into practice the way I should most of the time. I struggle with feeling like a fraud much of the time. I love Jesus, and I love how trying to live like He did is the most rewarding challenge in my life. To even feel like it’s a challenge, though, is what makes me feel like a fraud. Who am I, a sinner, someone battling with my own inner demons on a daily basis? Who am I to make disciples, to baptize, to teach? Answer: I am no one. I will not do any of these things. But. He will do these things through me. Do you know how crazy that is? He can use anyone, for anything. All things go according to His plan.
2)John 15:4 — “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear the fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.”
There are so many things I have learned to depend on while going my [almost] 18 years. Things like schedules, loudness to drown out the peaceful times, and the quickness to indulge in privileges/toxic activities I could just as easily live without have clouded my mind and my direction for a long time. It’s difficult to break free from these things, but in those moments that I do I feel so free and happy, it’s incredible. Moments like that are a chance to abide in Him and refresh my mind. A chance to bear the fruit grown by God, not by the world around me, not by my own humanity. Abiding in Him is being in emancipating exile. We are exiles on this Earth, waiting for the day when we can come home again. God wants all His children to come home to Him, so it is He that works through me to bear the fruit of teaching and disciple-ing, as mentioned above.
4)John 13:35 — “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
The greatest of these is love, right? Sometimes that can be so difficult. To love completely, without thoughts of the consequences and without creating pro/con lists of why we should love can feel complicated. I especially have a hard time with this, as a person whose life revolves around logic and facts, how I see things is usually how they are. Feelings are difficult. One action towards me, negative or positive, needs to be returned in the form of an equal action. That’s how my brain can work a lot of the time. It’s extremely selfish. I’m hoping my man Jesus can help me out with this as I grow with Him through the trip. I want everyone to know that I am Jesus’s disciple, and I want them to know that by seeing that I so obviously love everyone as I love myself. Working on that, among other things.
THANKS so much for reading my early a.m. ramblings, if you made it this far. I’m not always the best at expressing exactly what I want to say, but I wanted to try since I was feeling inspired with training camp getting so close. Stay tuned for more sporadic, circuitous updates on my blog.
