This is not an easy blog to write. My heart is racing even at the thought of making this public. But it’s one that I know will bring me more freedom. I wish for these words to simply express my truth, not to persuade or convince anyone of anything. It’s just where I am right now.
There’s a beautiful song by an worship leader named Steffany Gretzinger called “Out Of Hiding”. The lyrics sing,
“Come out of hiding
You’re safe here with Me
There’s no need to cover
What I already see.”
The song goes on to talk about Love, grace, freedom from shame, and so forth. I know God is the only one who sees my full heart. But unfortunately in my life I’ve gotten very good at hiding it. Be it a white lie, an addiction to porn, conformity, questions about my faith, or fears about to tomorrow—I’ve hid. But in an effort to find more freedom, I choose to come out of hiding. I choose to live FREE.
The last month has been one of the most challenging, stretching, and beautiful months of my life. I won’t get into every detail, but I want to take some time to come out of hiding about where I am in my faith walk specifically. Some of the things I am about to mention probably don’t sound like things your average missionary would or would not believe. Especially being on the World Race, not to anyone’s fault in particular, but I have felt even more pressure to internalize these thoughts and push forward on mission. But nevertheless, I feel now more than ever the need to express. I‘d like to point out that in the midst of questioning what I believe, I’m not losing my faith—I’m finding it.
—
The other day I had a long talk with my dear friend Farrah, a woman of pure Love and faith who I knew I could trust. I shared my heart with her and she simply held me, allowing me to (very dramatically) express myself. She was Jesus to me in that moment. I felt freer.
I confessed that I question the legitimacy of certain things in the Bible. When I study the first chapters of Genesis, I seek meaning in the stories rather than historical fact. I believe in their principles and I’m okay if God didn’t actually flood the entire Earth—there’s still so much to learn about His character through that story. Every belief system has their own creation story, they all contain something we could learn from—be it factual or not. When I read the words of Paul the Apostle who is credited to have written 8-13 books in the New Testament, I get lost in a conflict between what doctrine still applies and what’s loose based on cultural context. I also know there’s potential evidence for different aspects of the biblical narrative and I’m open to hear proof, but nevertheless, my beliefs remain agnostic concerning certain stories or doctrine, and that’s okay.
I’d like to fully trust in the books that made it into the Bible, but I’m well aware that a group of men came together some millenniums ago and felt they had the authority to put it all together. Though I don’t doubt the Bible was divinely inspired, I am also not ignorant to the fact that there are more books, more encounters with Jesus, more stories, and more truths about God and His creation that did not make its way into our modern day Bible. The Holy Spirit must have joined those bishops at the Council on Nicea in A.D. 325 because the Bible as it is, is certainly enough to reveal the heart of the Divine. However, I can’t let myself limit God to the decisions these men made. I know there’s more to His story and it’s my heart to know Him deeper. To allow my mind to question, learn, and encounter more of His truth. With this, I actually freaking love the Bible. It is my weapon, I study it daily. One may find error in picking and choosing what to believe and that’s totally valid, it’s a scramble that I battle daily. You may think this is double-mindedness and who knows, maybe you’re right. But I just don’t think I care right now.
I confessed that I don’t believe everyone that does not accept Jesus is doomed to eternity in hell. That I question what hell even is. That the reality of the afterlife is more complex than we can fathom. That I believe apart from Christianity, you can find God. This comes with a long and very complex analysis of what “apart from Christianity even means”. I truly believe Jesus IS God incarnate, so don’t get me wrong. He has the final say. I just also recognize that many people believe in and practice the same things that Jesus taught, just with different words and cultural context. Many are following His example without specifically saying, “Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior”. His love for them is just as merciful as the love He has for me. Like the Good Samaritan, Jesus is looking for a heart that is willing and one who thinks of others above themselves. I can’t imagine He’s that concerned with who we claim to be rather than who we actually are. He knows everyone’s story— if they’ve been deceived, grew up in a different religion, perhaps misunderstood the gospel, never even heard it, were betrayed by the church, and why they believe whatever they believe; and He loves them anyway. And at the end of the day, I believe Jesus will judge righteously. I just have hope that the majority of humanity won’t burn in hell. Though I am aware that this thinking may not be not biblically sound, it’s truly what I believe.
I believe there’s an enemy who lies, steals, kills, and destroys. I believe he’s led the majority of people astray and everyone is in need of the grace of Jesus. We can understand his schemes and fight him through the truths found in the Bible. Without it, one is vulnerable to attack. I also believe we give him far too much credit and need to own up to our own brokenness, failures, and struggles. There is a lot of deception mixed into many spiritual practices (including within Christianity) and I’m aware the enemy often disguises himself as light (2 Corinthians 11:14). We must be careful when experiencing the supernatural and encountering spirits, not all that seems good truly is. In the same vain, I keep an open mind knowing that not everything about the spirit world has been revealed to us, and that’s okay: “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter…” (Proverbs 25:2). God’s ways are so far beyond our full comprehension: “He does great things past finding out, Yes, wonders without number.” (Job? ?9:10???).
I believe God has given gifts to people other than Christians. Gifts of discerning spirits, healing, connection, channeling the supernatural, premonition, deliverance, prophesy, and more. Some people use them for good, others for bad. The Holy Spirit guides us on how to foster those gifts well, and the Bible warns us of malpractice. But if I’m being fully honest, I don’t know how that all works or what God thinks about operating in these giftings outside of Christianity. I don’t believe it’s all evil. I just know it’s real and potentially dangerous. There’s a lot going on beyond what we can see. But, I fully believe in Love, and that the Father won’t stop at anything to reveal His Love to ALL of humanity. Even those who don’t wear a cross around their neck. I believe He exists both within and outside of space and time, He adores His creation, and He has ALWAYS been communicating with humanity of all languages and tribes—we’re His most prized creation, why would He forsake so many people just because they’re not within the lineage of Abraham/Christian?
I believe there is no truer form of worship than to surrender to Jesus Christ. I’ve had visions, heard Him speak, been lifted to the high levels of consciousness, experienced unexplainable freedom, spoken in a heavenly language, and have been overcome by the Love of the Holy Spirit all through worshiping and meditating on scripture. I’ve met God through the gospel and I wouldn’t choose any other way. I believe so deeply in the power of prayer and the mystery of supernatural dimensions breaking into our finite dimensions to communicate God’s presence, protection, and Love.
I also believe that the encounters I had with Muslims in Malaysia who described God as Love and merciful were real and true. I saw Jesus through a Hindu high priest who preached the gospel to an Agnostic German. I met a young woman who had Jesus appear to her and 2 friends in the physical. I believe the Buddhist monk in Thailand that I spoke with is somewhat deceived, and also experiences elements of God through his practice. I believe the medicine doctor in South Africa that prays to his ancestors truly meant it when he told me that he loves Jesus, but I could also feel the grip of deception over his life. And if he is indeed serving two masters, only Jesus can judge that—only He knows the heart of that man. And my prayer is that I’ll see all of these people in heaven one day.
I’ve also seen the power of God manifest through witnessing multiple people get healed physically and emotionally simply through prayer in the name of Jesus. I’m also not ignorant to the reality that not everyone gets healed through prayer alone and that the phenomenon of spiritual healing goes far beyond what I can ever understand. There are herbs, plants, and people that have an anointing to heal. I’ve witnessed the Love of God in many people and in multiple ways throughout my life; both within and outside of Christianity. I can’t explain it all, but I know it’s real and beyond the natural.
I believe God doesn’t give two flying you-know-what’s about whether you claim to be “saved” or not if you don’t live your life from an outpouring to Love. Jesus says that the world will know Him by the way believers love others and history shows a pattern of us screwing that up big time. If we can’t learn to fully love our neighbor, the most golden commandment of all, then who actually cares if you’ve been dunked in holy water? We are meant to be the temple of God yet I’ve witness far too much abuse, hatred, and evil coming from the very hands of people who are claiming to be children of God. This fires me up the most, honestly. We have the responsibility to share Love with people considering we’ve accepted the greatest revelation of Love in history (Jesus) into our hearts. If we fail at that, we’re totally missing the point (Revelation 2:1-7). Within the church there are too many trusted people who have been exposed for denying their truth and hiding behind a persona. It’s the reason there are so many scandals in the church unfortunately. It’s the reason I’m expressing these sentiments, I don’t want to hide. How different would things be if more people would just be honest about where they are, confess their sin, and live in the light (Matthew 5:14)?
If I’m being fully honest, I’ve earnestly tried to submit to the institution that has become Christianity for years and in doing so I’ve learned to suppress these beliefs. I’ve tried to simply accept the Bible for what it says and ignore any doubts, questions, or contrary beliefs. I’ve fought to conform to even the most liberal Christian doctrine, but it hasn’t fully worked. The truth is that I’m fully grounded in God, I’m madly in love with Jesus, and I’m extraordinarily connected to the Holy Spirit. These are all gifts I want to share with the world and truths that can only be fully understood through the Bible. I don’t take that lightly and I seek God through scripture everyday.
At the end of the day I truly want every human on earth to have the opportunity to experience our triune God of Love. The gospel is the fullest revelation of The Divine that I have ever studied. It’s beyond any religion or school of thought. With that, however, I don’t doubt that others have come close too and that truth lives within other faiths. But I’m also realizing the word “truth” is more relative and abstract than given credit. I truly believe God honors all people who seek Him with an earnest heart:
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:13
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” -Matthew 7:7
Truth is not a set of beliefs, He’s a person. His name is Jesus and He’s not limited to mere definition or description.
“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” -John 14:6
I believe in the power of repentance. In confessing sin, turning away from it, and becoming more of ourselves. Sin is not a set of rules, it’s separation from being our full, divine selves. That’s why I choose discipline and embrace each fruit of the Spirit. It’s not out of fear and religion. Everyone who practices control is blessed by it—everyone.
There was a time in my life that I claimed to be Universalist. Though I respect that practice, that’s not where I am today. In fact, I’m choosing to dismiss the need to label myself anymore. The reality is that I try to follow Jesus with my whole heart and I seek God through the beauty of the universe and humanity. I’m chasing after Him, Her, It—the Great Divine with all that I am. When God described Himself as the “I AM” to Moses, He shattered the boxes the world would try to squeeze Him into for the millenniums to come. He just is. He is infinite, divine Love. He refuses to be labeled, as do I.
I have truly resisted opening up about these things in fear of being called a heretic, being judged, discredited, questioned, or rejected. Fear of losing leadership positions, my job, and no longer being trusted. But there is NO fear in Love. If any of that happens, so be it. This is my truest expression of Love. This is Love Without Limits—my heart’s cry. I’ll stop at nothing to live a life of Love and to surrender to God’s will, everyday.
I also still have a ton of unanswered questions about what I believe and I’ll never stop growing and seeking answers.
Is reincarnation really a thing? Wouldn’t put it passed God.
Are there aliens? I dunno, but if so they’re not as fly as me.
Do dogs go to heaven? I sure as hell hope so.
The moment I stop asking is the moment I succumb to religion and I have no interest in doing that. God is so much bigger than what we can perceive, yet ever present in the heart of man. In that same sentiment, I recognize that I don’t need all my questions answered. God is whomever He is, regardless of what I believe. I still fall on my knees before the Father, knowing that when I surrender my questions, fears, and doubts to Him, He embraces me in His arms—each and every time. I want people to know you don’t have to have it all together in order to accept Jesus and allow Him to transform your life.
I also fully acknowledge I can be (and likely am) wrong about everything in this post. But nevertheless, it’s where I stand as of now. I just want encourage all people to be real about where they are and not be ashamed. I’ll try to never stop being real—it’s the secret recipe of living this life fully FREE.
—
Thank you so much for reading and following along my journey!
Much Love,
Stella
IG: @stellaagee
YouTube: Stella Udeozor
