So I have a confession. I have picked my nose and eaten it as an adult. Gross, I know.
Now that I have your attention, last week we spent 5 days in Bangkok doing an all squad debrief with our leadership team. One night we talked about vulnerability and we were asked to share something that we don’t normally open up about. With each confession came an array of lies that we were believing about ourselves. If we don’t bring them to light, they remain in our minds as truth and shame creeps in which is simply a recipe for disaster. The beauty in vulnerability is that we were able to call out lies that were hidden in some of the confessions and correct them with truth. In the spirit of vulnerability I’d like to keep the train rolling and confess a few more things.
CONFESSION #1: I’M LOWKEY A POSER
I had a revelation the other day that I am sooo not a backpacker. My back hurts on travel days, I miss my wardrobe, minimalism is actually not fun for me, I literally CAN’T downsize because I need my coconut oil, and my budget is slowly depleting without anything coming in.
With that being said, I actually freaking love backpacking. Disliking a few elements of it doesn’t make me a poser but believing that lie could easily make me shut down and be grumpy for a year. But the truth is because I said yes to backpacking, I’ve met so many different people from completely different walks of life and it’s beautiful. From having a random culture crash course with 3 Chinese-Malaysians at a coffee shop to getting lost in conversation about spirituality with a guy from Grenada in Thailand. Each interaction has been precious in its own way. Though not each conversation ends with a life changing story, seeds have definitely been planted. It’s totally worth the outfit repeats and knots in my back.
CONFESSION #2: SHARING THE GOSPEL FREAKS ME OUT
Weird statement being as though I am on a mission trip, I know. But yet there’s often a battle going on in my head about if and when I should bring Jesus into conversations or if it’s overstepping (which, granted it could be considering it’s actually somewhat illegal to evangelize in Malaysia…but that’s besides the point).
Before coming on this trip I had a conversation with a friend who voiced that she supports me but doesn’t like that I’m going to try to “convert” people. But the truth is that I’m not here to convert anyone–that’s not my job.
My job is to share love with each person I interact with. Sometimes that’s as simple as a warm smile and sometimes it’s digging deeper. I believe Jesus is love and therefore sharing the gospel means sharing love and there is no harm or disrespect in that. In fact it’s actually extremely fun and I’ve learned so much from others in the process. When love becomes the only agenda in each interaction, fear about when, how, or if to share the gospel goes away. It happens naturally when our intensions are pure. If someone chooses to convert, that is God’s doing–not mine. Believing the lie that there’s anything wrong or intimidating about sharing the gospel is so far from the truth. I want to leave conversations with them knowing that God cares enough about them that he sent a random bald chick from the US just to tell them that. I’d be remiss not to share that because of my own fear.
CONFESSION #3: I’M WASTING A YEAR OF MY LIFE
A lot could happen in a year. I could meet my husband, get promoted at work, go back to school. Ya da ya da ya da. These are all things I wrestled with before coming on the race, and are still thoughts that pop into my head from time to time. I’ve realized 11 months might seem like a lot time, but honestly in the grand scheme it really isn’t long at all. It’s shocking that we’re almost 3 month in and time is flying by so fast. With that, the biggest lie in that statement is that time is being wasted.
I have never grown so much or felt so connected to God in my life. I’ve become a greater reflection of his love, I’m learning how to hear his voice more clearly, started to love reading the Bible, and I’ve shared his story with more confidence then ever before. I have witnessed healings, embraced strangers in my arms, and cultivated relationships that would have never been possible if not for saying yes to this adventure. And it’s only the beginning. We have over 8 more months left and I’m fired up about what God plans to do in the time to come.
Choosing to not talk about what’s going on inside is usually rooted in shame. Shame keeps us trapped and attacks our identity. When we hide, it starts feeding us lies about who we are and what are intensions are. I’m learning to bring my fears, doubts, and insecurities to light in order to eliminate any shame that prevents me from fully walking out of the dark. The truth is that God already knows our deepest secrets or lies we are believing and he wants to love us through those things. Often that looks like bringing them to the light in order to start walking in the light.
I’d like to end with a challenge. Confess a lie or two that you have been believing about yourself and allow God to correct it with truth through others. There’s so much freedom waiting on the other end of vulnerability.
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Thanks for reading and following along my journey!!
Much love, always.
IG: @stellaagee
