Hey guys. Shawn here. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, I’ve been doing a lot of processing and self evaluation these past two weeks, and been going through many different emotions. And I think I finally have the mindset to be able to put into words what this past month has been to me. So, here we go.
Stretch. Shake it out.
Stretch. Shake it out.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Grow.
Rest.
Grow.
Now rest some more.
This is the conversation I’ve been having with God this month. And it’s not even a two sided conversation, it’s more along the lines of what He has been telling me that He wants from me. Stretch into the areas you’re not comfortable in. This past month, ministry has looked a lot like hanging out with kids. A lot. We call them our “smalls”. Almost every day, whenever we would come back from our day of ministry, or adventure days, we would have anywhere from 10-40 smalls waiting to hang out with us. For those of you who don’t know, smalls are not an area I thrive in. In fact, I’m not even the best with kids. I kept hearing, “stretch, go play with them”, and my reply would be “but God, my ministry is the youth!”, which I then heard in return “these will one day be that youth”. Wow. I was so worried about what I felt called to, that I didn’t even begin to think that these kids would one day be that very thing for someone else. It was my turn in this season to love on them and show them God’s love while they’re young. Life is ministry, and ministry is life, it’s one of the mottos my team lives by. And in that moment God said, let these kids lives NOW be your ministry NOW. And do I went for it. I was tentative at first. Like I said, I’m not the biggest fan of kids. But by the end of the month, I was swinging these kids around, playing baseball with them, chasing after them, making jokes with them, tickling them. In whatever way I could provide them with fun, all while being safe, I would do. My heart stretched as I learned that these kids have so much life and so much joy. Most of them don’t have a lot. They don’t have a tv. Or a cell phone. There parents more than likely don’t own a car. They probably have no more than two pairs of shoes, one of those pairs being a pair of sandals that are more than likely either broken or have holes in the soles. They will have huge scrapes on their legs and feet, and get no medical attention for these wounds. Yet these kids, man these kids taught me about joy. They taught me how far a smile can go. I remembered maybe about five kids names in total,(my teammates excelled at memorizing their names), but I think the coolest part was when the kids would see me they would yell out “KUYA SHAWN”(which means big brother shawn in Tagalog). And my face would light up, because these kids weren’t expecting anything from me, they just wanted to have fun. And man, my heart was so full.
“Grow. Grow in your knowledge of me. Grow in your understanding of my word.” Man, I’ve been really trying hard this month to do that, but I’ll be honest with you guys, I failed at it so bad. The problem is that I WANT it to happen, but I’m not DOING it. I SHOULD DELIGHT IN DOING THIS! THIS SHOULD BE SOMETHING I YEARN TO DO! Yet I’m struggling to even open my word. To ask God for words of wisdom. Even during our time of worship at debrief, I felt disconnected from God. I finally got to the point where I yelled at God. “God why do I feel this way? Why do you feel so far away? Why am I not delighting in you like I used to?! Why do I feel so lost?!” And I heard God tell me “it’s because you’re not willing to empty yourself”. I literally sat there and was like…. “ok, what does that even mean? Empty myself? God I’ve been playing with kids, I’ve been serving in ministry, I have been emptying myself!” “No, you haven’t. You haven’t been emptying yourself the way I want you to empty yourself. I want you to get rid of all pride, I want you to drop the fact that you feel good about doing the things you’re doing. And start filling up your heart with my word. Start meditating on it! Then you’ll find joy. Then you’ll find peace. But start by emptying your heart of anything that’s not of me.”
Man. I was floored. I hadn’t realized that I had been delighting in what I was doing, not in who I was serving. God should get the praise always, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. For with Him I am nothing, but with Him I can do all things that are apart of His will.
Rest. Rest has been a funny word this month. A lot of times, things have not panned out, and so we’re left with a lot of time to rest. And I never capitalized on those moments. But I know now. I know now that in those moments, to get in touch with the Lord and say “here I am lord, what do you want to tell me?” So, whenever I have times of rest, that’s what I am going to do, I’m going to rest in the Lord. A type of sabbath if you would.
So ya guys. That’s what I’ve been struggling through this past month. I am currently at 12.6k raised, still need about 5k more to be completely funded. I would love for you to consider donating to my trip. Also, please share this with other people if you feel led to!
