GOD, why do i feel like this? Why do i feel so lost? LIFE ISNT SUPPOSED TO GO THIS WAY! DONT YOU CARE?! CANT YOU SEE HOW BAD IM HURTING?! GOD, these FEELINGS, these EMOTIONS, I cant hold them in anymore! I CANT DO THIS! HELP ME! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?! DO YOU HEAR THE CRIES OF MY HEART?! Or have you turned your back on me too? Have you gotten so tired and fed up with my crap that you looked the other way?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A COMPASSIONATE GOD?! A LOVING GOD?! A LOVING FATHER?! A loving father doesnt turn HIS back on HIS child!!! GOD, IM SO ANGRY!! I thought I was your chosen, apart of your “remnant”? THEN WHY DO I FEEL MORE LIKE A LOST SHEEP?!
As i sat there, with all of these cries echoing through my head, i had a vision come in my head, and for some reason i picked up my phone and started typing out lyrics.
This song are those lyrics.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O60wyCJvphE&list=UUU0pfZ-LbBCz03-CTlw4OBg&index=1
I’ve been learning a lot recently about what surrender truly looks like. God recently put it on my heart to quit Starbucks, which I thought was quite hilarious, because i wasn’t going to quit until late September. I couldn’t go two months without a job! How was i going to raise spending money for my trip? And then God switched my perspective. He said “How are you going to save time for me?” I had completely forgotten about the reason I was going on this trip in the first place. I have been so worried recently about funds, about gear, about logistics, I forgot to focus on the One who orchestrated all of this in the first place. With that being said, I offically put in a months notice at Starbucks and I will officallly be uisng these next two months to accomplish two things the Lord has put on my heart.
Number 1. He wants me to focus so much on HIM that by the time I leave, Ill have changed more in the next two months then I have in the past year.
Number 2. He wants me to get physically back into shape. And so I am going to be hustling to be the best me i can be.
Now, back to the title. Please Don’t go. I didn’t realize that if I went on this trip, how unprepared I would be if Jesus wasn’t my center. One of my friends asked me to not go, and honestly, I actually contemplated it. I actually thought, “You know what? Life would be so much easier if I just stay here”. I can find a new job, find a cheaper place to live, still serve in the ministries at my church, fall in love with the girl of my dreams, get married, get a house, have kids. All of a sudden i started romanticizing staying at home so much, that “Please don’t go” turned into “I’m not going”. I gave up on fundraising. I got discouraged. I fell apart. I stopped reading my word. I stopped praying. I pretended like everything was ok. When inside I knew everything was hurting and crying out.
God finally woke me up. Out of nowhere, I heard the question “Are you willing to sacrifice it all, even if only one soul gets saved? Am I still good? Am i still sovereign?”
This question might sound so simple, but for me it hit on such a deeper level. God leaves the 99 for the one. I used to be that one. Someone on my trip is the one God is calling me to pursue to introduce them to our heavenly father. I broke down as i realized how selfish I was being. God has called me to this trip for a reason, even if it is only one person. And i was more worried about staying home. God doesnt want just part of me, He wants ALL OF ME.
He wants all of you too. Are you willing to give Him that?
Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read my blog! Just an update, I am officially at 4.2k raised! This is super exciting and I am beyond thankful for everyone who has supported me this far! With that being said, I am 800 dollars away from my 5k goal on July 20th, which is 7 days away! Would you consider donating to my trip, even if it only a small amount? It would mean the world to me. Help me make an impact on the world!
