The cool thing I like about light, is that it makes the darkness disappear. Ill be real honest here, I used to be terribly afraid of the dark. If I had to go to the restroom or get water at night, YOU BEST BELIEVE I RAN SO FAST because I thought something would get me. It was such an irrational fear too, because nothing was ever going to happen to me, but I was letting fear rule my life. I am proud to say, I have gotten over my fear of darkness.
It’s about to get real. Advanced warning, I am about to go super deep into my past.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1: 5
When I was in high school, I thought I knew all there was to know about the scriptures. People at our church conventions knew that if there was a contest, to save me for last because I would more than likely win. Man, I was such a fool. Did I know scripture? Sure as heck I did. However, demons know scripture too. I am in no way comparing myself to a demon, however, my issue lied in the fact that I had no idea who Jesus was. I knew of Him, but i didn’t KNOW Him. My entire high school life consisted of lies and a false sense of holiness.
One of the biggest ways I let darkness overtake me was in the form of pornography. I know I want to say this flat out. I literally hate everything pornography is and what it has done and is currently doing to minds, marriages, and relationships all around the world. I loathe it. http://www.intellectualtakeout.org/article/pornography-facts-20-will-shock-you
Just click that link and look at the facts, it’s absolutely horrible.
However, at the same time, it used to be my crutch. Jesus was not even in the picture, but pornography sure was. It traps your mind to thinking that it is the only thing that can satisfy you, and after a while, you begin to believe it. You begin to believe that these athletes(this is literally acting and they’re getting paid to do this, hundreds of dollars) are actually satisfying your needs. Oh and to top it all off, the writers write the script. THEY WRITE THE SCRIPT. Think about that. They’re storytellers. They literally sit there and think, huh, how can I appeal to people with the script I write? And they get paid for it. You know, most of us don’t watch football games and watch a 300 pound player blocking for the quarterback, and think to ourselves “I can do that.” We don’t watch a James Bond movie where they are jumping out of the building right as it explodes and think “I can do that.” However, we watch pornography, and think “My life should be like that. I can do that.”
Pornography twisted my brain and gave me a false sense of security, however it always left me feeling more empty, I didn’t know why though.
Fast forward to the summer after I dropped out of college. I was up at a Christian summer camp in Big Bear serving on the recreation team. I still didn’t know the Lord, but I was like hey, i get money and i get to do all these activities in my free time? Lets go. Little did I know that I would get introduced to alcohol for my first time. I acted as if I had drank alcohol before, but to be honest I hated the taste of it. It was very rare that we did drink up there, but when we did, I was always the one making the drinks for everyone. I think that’s why the drinks always tasted too strong.
After my summer at Big Bear, i wound up living at home again and finding a job at Albertsons. Little did I know that the people I would meet working there would change my life, in a good and bad way at the exact same time.
The good first. One of my coworkers, bless her heart, invited me to a bible study her and her boyfriend were leading together. I said what the heck, I have nothing better to lose, sure Ill go.
At the same time, I met a few other people, who started inviting me to parties, and i was introduced to marijuana, I began drinking way more than i ever had before. I even went into work the next morning still buzzed from the night before once. However, something was still missing. This double life was draining all my energy and I didn’t feel whole.
All of a sudden, I found out about dating sites, and I was hooked. I thought “This is what I’ve been missing the entire time. This is what I need.” I wound up hooking up with numerous girls, thinking that they were going to satisfy me. Wrong again.
WHY COULDN’T I FIGURE OUT WHAT I WAS MISSING?! WHY DID I FEEL SO EMPTY INSIDE?! WHY DID I FEEL SO LOST IN DARKNESS?!
My best friend James, who I had met through that bible study, asked me to attend church with him on a Sunday. Now, I had been very off and on with church, I usually worked on Sundays, so I didn’t “have time.” One Sunday I decided to go, and my entire life was flipped upside down. Pastor Chris was giving a message on volunteering at the church and obedience to God, and all of a sudden in my head I heard, “When are you going to stop wallowing in your darkness and run in the light? When are you going to start obeying what I have called you to? When are you going to stop letting other things rule your life?” Guys, I figured it out. I NEEDED TO SERVE IN THE CHURCH. I FINALLY FOUND WHAT I WAS MISSING! I was so excited that i went up to Chris after service and told him I wanted to do high school ministry. And I wound up loving it. SO much to the point where I began doing jr high ministry as well. Then I began doing an organization called young life, which is tailored to non churched high school students, then I began doing wyldlife which is for jr highers. I was doing all of this stuff, and it felt so good.
I was still missing something. I was making ministry my God, not God my God. When people would ask me how I was, I would say life sucks but ministry is great. IT CAN’T WORK THAT WAY, IT CAN’T. How can you do successful ministry if all you do is complain about how bad your life is all the time? I ended up stepping down from all of those ministries and not serving at all. And you know what?
I finally met Jesus. I met Jesus on my knees because I realized that He was thing I was searching for. I realized He was the hidden light to overcome my darkness. However, I remember hearing, “I wasn’t hiding, I was watching you the entire time, all you had to do was turn around.” I heard that, and I broke down. How good a God do we serve, that even in our broken times, He still wants us? That even in our darkest moments, He is saying, “Child, come home.”
I am more on fire for Jesus now than I have ever been. I know Jesus breaks chains and I know He sets people free. Do I still struggle with pornography? Yes. But I know Jesus can help me beat it. Do i still struggle with marijuana and drinking? No, because Jesus provided me with some of my best friends who hold me accountable. Do I still try to find my worth in the opposite sex? No, because I know they will never satisfy the longing of my heart, and the longing of my heart is Jesus.
What is the longing of your heart? Are you feeling lost, broken, ashamed, defeated? I would love to talk to you, and I know a pretty rad guy who would love to hear from you as well. His name is Jesus, and He is the King of the World.
