September 2017 I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying on the outside while a battle raged on the inside. God laid the World Race on my heart. I knew there must be other logical answers besides surrendering everything and going. 3 hours letter I had my application submitted. After being accepted I continued to live the life I desired before I had to change my lifestyle. It was so easy to do things in my will and forget the Fathers will. In August 2018 I went to training camp. I thought I had it all together but the Lord SHATTERED me that week! I realized I was broken and needed to abandon my past lifestyle. I wrestled with surrendering life’s chaotic way of living verses allowing God and his kingdom to resolve my problems. Over 8 years I had forgiven people who hurt me but I still wasn’t satisfied with my life. Bill Swan (Director of the World Race) gave a session on identity. I realized I was REALLY good at adapting to the atmosphere by changing who I was to fit the crowd I was around. That reality hit me hard but I didn’t think much else about it after I connected with it. Later that night he talked again but this time about forgiveness. During this session I completely lost it and the ugly cry took over me. All this time I forgave others but never forgave me. My mindset was based on I have done so much wrong that God could no longer love me. I had previously been baptized in middle school. Training camp taught me so much about myself, letting God work, and a true understanding of baptism. So I rededicated my life to be a living fire for my Creator.
After training camp leading up to Launch in October God did a lot of work in my life that I never expected. Month 1 when we landed in Colombia I was thinking what the heck did In get myself into. Comparison, labels, and lies creeped in and became deeply rooted in my mind. I had never experienced a strong Christian community or had a mentor. So many of the girls I was around were so much more advanced and equipped for these 11 months. I believed the lie that I was inadequate to advance the kingdom of God. For 3 months I hid bits and pieces of who I was so that my team would like me. During the transition between month 3 to 4 I truly let the walls down and showed who I truly was. One night during team time a teammate brought up a hard conversation. I was SO relieved because that opened the door for me to lay everything on the table. Since we landed in Colombia I felt like I was back in high school trying to fit into the popular clique. The whole time I shared my feelings I was full of nerves questioning how the team would receive it. By the end of the night a girl I desired friendship with was on my bed snuggling me. It was EXTREMELY awkward at first but such a sweet moment. Our last month as a team (month 4) was filled with LOTS of laughter/smiles, peace, freedom, love, and holding each other accountable.
Team changes were happening month 5 and I knew it was going to be the LITERAL death of me. In the previous season I heard people talk about my growth but didn’t see it in myself. Leaving my first team I was challenged to be bold as I went into my second team. God has been STRETCHING me over the last 3 months. Blog burnout was so prevalent in my life. I got no tropics or words to blog. Was I doing it wrong? After 2 months God overloaded my brain with a multitude of topics and words. The whole time I was left speechless he wanted to mold my mouth to be silent and my eyes to be open.
Being in month 8 I’m reflecting on how far the Lord has brought me. A young inexperienced World Racer who was living HER best life never expected to become who HE created her to be. I had set up expectations for Christ to meet and was defeated more often than not. I expected to be fully funded before launch (let down). I was also expecting to be fully funded by the final deadline (let down #2). I never expected my mentor fighting to extend the deadline (pick up). Month 8, FINAL deadline, and editing my first ministry video is when I found out I was fully funded! (pick up #2)
To the inexperienced World Racer,
I challenge you to begin praying (HARD) that the boundaries, expectations, and walls would fall! God is so faithful when we come to him with empty hands and say use me. Let go of what you’re hoping to get out of this calling. He can do so much more with out semi clinched fists! I don’t personally know you but I say this out of sincere love. If you give him every bit of your brokenness, he will use it for his glory. I wish I would have realized beforehand that he has called me, equipped me, and made me adequate in his image to advance his kingdom. Be vulnerable, choose into community, say YES and submit to the things God has for you, and utilize these 11 months as a launching pad for the rest of your life.
