It all started 8 years ago. As of November 2018, I am taking back what the enemy stole from me. I haven’t ever been ready to let my walls down. I don’t let people into the dark spaces and I dig the hole deeper to keep the pain from coming up. This part of my story I am not pleased with. I knew God was grieving with me but I knew others would be disappointed in who I had let myself become.
My shame stole the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me. I didn’t necessarily doubt that God would do the best for me. I wondered how painful the best would turn out to be. The refining process has been painful. Peace flowed when I released tension and rigidity.
I didn’t understand why God would let shame become so prevalent in my life. So I turned to worldly things to find acceptance. I was a dancer and was able to change characters to fit the atmosphere everywhere I went. I became really good at putting on an act and not letting people in. I often found myself begging others for scraps of love. Behind closed doors, I became depressed, pushed everyone away, was self-conscious, and believed the lies I was being fed. I was never able to hear the Lord’s truth when I kept feeding lies and doubts. Every one of those lies minimized God and maximized my weakness. I am learning to maximize God, which keeps weakness in perspective.
These shameful experiences have caused me to retreat, become more defensive, and shut down. I never felt worthy for 8 years. I felt my worth not my voice mattered to anyone. The presented emotions are why I don’t speak first, speak with doubt, say I don’t have an opinion, and fear to speak because of past consequences.
Being in the World Race community is the first time in 8 years I have felt like my worth and voice matters. They have encouraged me to speak without fear, wanting to hear my voice, and asking my opinion. I had to open up the shame to welcome people in so I could be loved and held accountable.
During month 1 debrief I had the opportunity to go on adventures. I was confused and couldn’t see one reason why God didn’t want me to go on a big adventure. I knew deep down in my heart that God was saying, “Watch with trust and expectation for me to reveal other plans.” Instead, I went to get a message. With every movement, God pushed and pulled into the uncomfortable dark places to bring inner healing.
God’s very first thought of me made His heart explode with a love that set Him in pursuit of me. God is creative in His ability to restore and redeem. When I feel the least His grace is the only antidote for the previous shame. His antibiotic prevents past shame from turning into present-day infections. God says, “I am not set aside. I am set apart.” He is an agent of grace when He whispers I do belong. There is something wonderfully scared that happens when I realize that being set aside is actually God’s call for me to be set apart.
I want God’s truth to be the loudest voice in my life. Correct me. Comfort me. Come closer still. And I will trust. God, You are good at being God. I want to praise God, seek God, call to God, experience God, fear God, learn from God, honor God, draw near to God, and take refuge in God.
The breaking of me has also made me. A new me. A stronger me. Strengthened not with pride of protection but with the sweet grace of one who knows an intimate closeness with the Lord. For so much of my past shame, I can look back and see how God allowed things to unfold the way they did for my protection. In His mercy, He allowed this. This is how I took back control from something and someone that was never meant to have it and declare God as Lord.
