“Don’t measure yourself from your head to the ground. Measure yourself from here to the sky.” It’s the quote I heard once in a movie – I can’t remember which one. I think it was one of the lesser known indie films. Regardless, it stuck.
Do you ever feel like you don’t measure up? Like you can’t do what is being asked of you because you are too tired, confused, inexperienced, weak, busy, and every other excuse in the book?
I have days when I just shut down and shut off. Nothing in me feels like I can do anything of worth.
It’s those days that I question everything. I remember breaking down in a car with my two mentors a few years ago sobbing the question over and over “why do you love me? What is there to love about me?”
I had one of those days earlier this month. Not as intense as the one a few years ago – I wasn’t questioning whether I was worthy of love. I was questioning if I had enough for ministry this month.
This ministry isn’t easy. Not simply the community for adults with disabilities, but the ministry of all-squad month on the World Race.
All 38 of us are living in a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house and the 3 boys have tents pitched in the yard. I personally am in a room with 13 other girls and every morning we stack our sleeping pads on top of the one bed in the room so that it can be swept and mopped (to prevent us getting parasites).
We are required to be in groups of at least 3 outside of the house and need to be back in the gate by 5pm every day for safety reasons.
It is so hard to get time alone.
And to be honest I never realized how much I needed alone time before this month. I was happy last month. But this month, with lack of a place to go in the middle of the day to lay down and rest, and no place to feel okay breaking down in front of the Lord (without at least 3 absolutely precious people checking in on you to make sure you are okay – which is sweet but interrupting)…. it’s been hard.
You would think the bathroom would be a good place to be by yourself, but there is either knocking about 2 to 3 min after you get in there, or you will have one person showering, one on the potty and the third washing her face in the same room.
It’s been an amazing bonding experience and has led to some hardcore laughing fits for sure.
I spent the day home from ministry to let Jesus speak to my heart about all that was going on. And He had a good word that day that was perfect for the day but my answer for measuring up came last night on the way back from the mall for adventure day.
This is a brief excerpt:
Cotton Candy Skys and Country Love Songs
I can’t believe the sights my eyes take in by the second are images you would see captured on National Geographic. How incredible that I am here experiencing this!
It seems to be that when it comes to buses I choose the side with height. It’s not on purpose, but when you are driving through mountains there is a side where you see where you could be if you were higher. The other side you see how high up you are. Maybe it’s my creative mind, maybe it’s a revelation, but I always seem to have that perspective.
I always see where I want to be and know that is higher than where I currently am. I rarely look back to see where I came from.
But God, You have taken me through so much. I am so much stronger in You! Speak the truth to my heart once again.
