Part 1
*Side note: this blog is a preview or “part 1 of 2” that leads into my next blog. It would mean the world to me for you to read both blogs in their entirety to see all that God’s been doing in my life! If I’ve learned something about God recently, it’s that He’s one incredibly intricate God that works in the minute details, involves himself in every aspect of our lives, and pours out never-ending, abundant love on His kids!
Now brace yourselves. What you’re about to read is probably not what you’re expecting to read.*
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I thought I had to hide it.
I didn’t think I’d ever be able to talk about it.
I never foresaw myself writing a blog about it.
It’s something I thought I struggled with all alone.
It’s something I automatically assumed no other Christian struggled with.
The “it” I’m referring to is a sin I’ve struggled with for years that wasn’t brought into the light until recently: homosexual tendencies.
But shortly after bringing into the light that which was hidden in the darkness, I found true freedom for the very first time.
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It was during my early teen years when I most strongly battled against it, but it wasn’t until much later that I was able to talk about it. And the first time I really talked about it was no other place than World Race Training Camp with strangers whom I had met just days before: AIM leadership. During the online registration process, I had checked the box “homosexual tendencies” knowing that I’d be lying if I didn’t, but simultaneously fearing my acceptance to the World Race if I exposed myself. Walking in obedience with what the Holy Spirit was nudging me to do, I reluctantly checked the box and moved on praying for the best. I prayed this simple prayer, “Lord if this is your will for me to participate in the World Race, then allow me to get accepted despite my dirty rags.” And sure enough, I was.
Going into training camp I remember feeling extremely nervous because I didn’t want to be exposed since, at that point in time, I still struggled with same-sex attraction; but little did I know how many amazing things the Lord was going to do through my willingness to let leadership into my darkest secret from the get-go.
The first one-on-one I had with leadership was a nerve-wracking conversation with our Squad mentor, Hailey; the second was with her and two other leaders; and the third one with some more people. And soon enough, the 1 leadership one-on-one that everyone gets at Training Camp turned into about seven or eight for me. By the second meeting, I began to dread going. What was the point? Were they gonna fix me? Were they genuinely interested in helping me or were they just being nosey, particular, and judgmental? Was I being interviewed to see if I was “Christian enough” to go on a mission trip? Cause whatever they were doing, I didn’t like it. I was mad at God. This is not what I expected Training Camp to be like. I felt like I was constantly being interviewed by “good Christians” who were weighing my sin to determine whether I was qualified or not to go on this mission trip. Not only this but I felt embarrassed and ashamed everywhere I went because it felt like all the leaders were watching my every move.
They eventually put me on a growth plan. Now a “growth plan” is a World Race euphemism that means you’re probably not going to go on the Race (at least that’s what it felt like). In reality, it’s a plan to help you process what you’re going through with the Lord but there’s a slight chance leadership will decide you’re not in a place to go on the Race. Then, between Training Camp and Launch, they made me complete for certain “homework” assignments and said that if I failed to complete them we’d be having a conversation to reconsider whether going on the Race is an option. Excuse me? Do you mean to say that I might not be able to go on the trip for which I fundraised all this money? This gap year I had been planning on going on for seven moths now? This trip I had told literally all my friends and family I was going on? No way. Wasn’t about to let that happen! Well obviously I completed all the homework cause i’m kinda living in Ecuador ;P. But it wasn’t easy and I wrestled with God through every single bit of it. By his grace, God allowed me to make it this far and I know with complete confidence that it’s because it was His will for me all along.
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Had I disobeyed and failed to share with leadership the truth of my problems I would have missed out on all the cool things God has done and will do. For instance, when we shared our testimonies with our teammates during the first month of the Race, I would have left out a huge chunk of my story, I wouldn’t have felt free to openly share with other leaders about my struggles while on the field, I wouldn’t have been able to share with my teammates my victory march into freedom, and finally, I wouldn’t have been used by God at The Awakening the way he was able to use me as a result of my honesty, obedience, and trust.
PLEASE check out my next blog to hear about the most miraculous event that’s ever happened to me!
Stay tuned…..
-Sam
