Part 2
For the last week in Costa Rica, my squad went to an event called The Awakening in which four other World Race squads came together to worship, fellowship, and share our experiences on the Race. We had known about the event for a couple of months and got pretty hyped up, knowing it was going to take place at La Montaña, one of my favorite places in the world. However, as excited as I was, I had my doubts about anything spectacular or miraculous taking place as much as I wanted to experience a miraculous “God moment”. We were told that The Awakening was going to be squad led, which basically means that all of the Racers are in charge of putting on the whole thing with minimal AIM staff involvement. This stressed me out at first because I am not one to plan things or organize events, but thanks to goodness it was a group effort and I wasn’t alone in throwing this thing together!
A few days before we left, Hannah (my team’s worship coordinator) came up to Lilly and I and told us that we had been prayed over and chosen to help lead worship opening night. Even though I was the youth group worship leader for my church the year before, I almost turned down this request because I had not once led a worship session this entire seven months and took that as the Lord saying “I want you to rest from leading this season.” But seconds after I had this thought, the Lord nudged me to consent. And so I did and can’t believe what came of it. Please read to end!
We said goodbye to the base in Costa Rica and headed straight away to La Montaña for the week. Me and about ten other people from my squad led worship that night but we only had two instruments: guitar and ukulele. We were told that we’d be singing on a big stage and so the idea of leading a large worship session without a band scared me. I didn’t know how we’d pull it off. But the Holy Spirit took over and showed us that we don’t need ten instruments or fancy equipment to praise him! Rather, as long as we’re worshiping wholeheartedly, our voices and two small instruments are more than sufficient.
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During dinner the second night I sat down with a group of girls who were from a Passport squad (a shorter mission trip through AIM for only three months). There were 150 people at the awakening and so it’s no coincidence that I sat beside a certain girl who, halfway through our conversation, said to me: “Ever since the very first night you sang, the Lord told me that I’m supposed to talk to you. He told me to go talk to the girl who sang the first song in worship the first night we were here. I have no clue what I’m supposed to talk to you about, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m supposed to talk to you.” Not knowing what to think, I nervously told her to catch me after worship before I left to go practice. You see, I had been asked at about 4 o’clock that day if I could lead worship that night because the two worship coordinators, Anna and Tikki, weren’t having very much luck getting people from other squads to sing. Since I was leading worship that night, I had to sneak away from dinner a little bit early to go practice. Ky (team leader of Passport) Mariah, Caroline (both S Squad), and I led that night with very little practice because of the time crunch. In fact, after we rehearsed for a few minutes, we laughed and decided to surrender the whole thing to the Holy Spirit and let him take over because we didn’t know what we were doing.
Before we started, we prayed and asked the Lord to move in mighty ways in the hearts of those present. Then Ky reminded us that we’re free to say anything that the Lord puts on our hearts during worship (for those of you who don’t know, it is a common occurrence during AIM worship sessions for Racers to share something on stage whether it be their testimony, a word of encouragement, or anything else that the Lord puts on their heart). Well me, being the kind of person who typically doesn’t prance up to a stage, grab a microphone, and share something in front of a large crowd, I prayed a quick, pretty prayer along the lines of, “Lord I’m not planning on saying a word, but if you will have me say something, then make it crystal clear.”
We kind of butchered the first song which kind of put us on the wrong note (pun completely intended), but the Holy Spirit did wonders shortly thereafter. I don’t even remember the name of the song, but the lyrics were “I hear the chains falling, I hear the chains falling”, and the Holy Spirit told me to share with everyone present, my struggle with homosexuality and my redemption story therein (it perfectly related to those specific lyrics, too). My first thought: “what, are you crazy, God? That’s insane. I couldn’t even share it with my squad the other week when given the perfect opportunity, let alone with this crowd!”. I wasn’t sure if it was from the Lord, and so I pushed the thought aside and continued singing. But my heart wasn’t at rest; in fact, it started pounding faster than ever. Seconds later the Lord asked me once again to share. And this time, the music came to an unexpected halt as if every person in the audience was waiting in eager anticipation for me to open my mouth. It was in this moment that the Holy Spirit rushed down upon me, causing me to say exactly what He wanted me to say. I swear it wasn’t me speaking because Sam goes on tangents and takes 5X longer to say things than the average person; but the girl on stage shared no more and no less than what God wanted to say (if you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it to you later, so keep reading).
Seizing the opportunity to fill in the awkward silence, and taking a stab at obedience, I timidly spoke up saying, “hey, I have something to share.” Then the Holy Spirit did the rest of the talking:
“So I’ve struggled with a specific sin that had me chained down for years and almost kept me from launching on the Race: homosexual tendencies.** For the longest time, I pretended it didn’t exist. I shoved it down for fear of being ‘found out’ or judged. In my shoving and stuffing, I found myself justifying my actions and thoughts to ‘make right’ the wrong that engulfed every inch of my being. You know the boxes we were supposed to check on our World Race application if we struggled with anything listed, homosexual tendencies being one of them? Well I checked and unchecked that box at least five times before finally choosing honesty over the answer that I would supposedly make me look like a “good candidate” for the Race (leaving the box unchecked). Well my honesty led into a series of one-on-one conversations with leadership at Training Camp during in which they sucked the full truth out of me, despite my reluctance to disclose details. They put me on a growth plan in between Training Camp and Launch which nearly resulted in me not launching on the Race last September (read my last blog if you haven’t already). Training Camp was practically the first time I had verbalized my struggles with another human being (previously I kept most everything between God and myself) and it was, to this day, one of the very hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It felt as though I was being forced to lay out all my dirty rags in front of complete strangers in an interview in which they’d determine my qualifications for the job in front of me.
“Then during house church several weeks ago, we were listening to a sermon on a topic that I don’t remember anything about other than an example the pastor used to get his point across. He said that one time he openly shared his struggle with pornography as a teen which caused people to come up to him afterward, thank him for his honesty, and then go on to share something they’ve wrestled with; they would tell him how ashamed and isolated they felt, only to have a different person come up to him after that to say that they struggle with the SAME THING. The pastor’s point was that ‘there is nothing new (e.g. no new sin) under the sun’ (Ecclesiastes 1:9) so why keep your struggles hidden in the dark because of your shame, when Jesus came to bring light to the darkness? Then it hit me: I no longer struggle with homosexuality and haven’t the entire Race! And hearing the pastor so confidently share this example is what gave me the desire and courage to tell my teammates and a couple of my squad-mates the good news.
“I have never before understood the word ‘freedom’. To me, freedom is such a ‘Christianese’ term (overused Christian word) that conveys no real meaning to me simply because of the number of times I’ve heard it. But it wasn’t until I experienced freedom that its meaning was finally revealed to me. My chains have fallen off, my burden has been lifted, my chains have hit the floor, and I can walk now! For the first time ever, I’ve experienced this freedom that Christians always talk about. And I heard those chains fall! Praise be to God!”
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After worship, the girl who told me she was supposed to talk to me nervously approached me and said she was about to puke. Immediately we went to the gymnasium away from the crowd to sit down to talk. She didn’t know where to start. She said that she not only knows with absolute certainty she’s supposed to talk to me, but that she actually knows what it’s about, because God clearly revealed it to her during worship: right when I opened my mouth to talk, she knew exactly what it was going to be about (okay, that’s no coincidence). She eventually mustered up enough courage to say that she struggles with the same thing (has for years) and that no one knows about it, except for her mom who condemned her once she found out. She explained to me how she didn’t check the box on the application and is now suffering the consequences of living with a team of 16 girls around whom she has to walk on eggshells, lest they find out and think poorly of her.
She told me that she’s been shoving it down for years, pretending that it doesn’t exist, while simultaneously justifying its existence (sounds familiar…) and that, more than anything, she wants to be freed from this yolk of slavery poisoning every aspect of her life. Ironically enough, the word on her prophetic key necklace is freedom!? (for anyone who doesn’t know, most Racers purchased a key necklace before the Race on which a prophetic word is inscribed. During the Race, the Lord will reveal its meaning in a unique and personal way. My word was “burn” and the Lord has given me three distinct, unquestionable instances that have revealed its meaning to me). She told me that she has been trying to find the meaning of her key her entire Race but nothing has felt quite right; every time she thinks her moment of revelation has come, she quickly discovers that they were her own thoughts leading her to make something out of nothing. It wasn’t until that night, when she least expected it, that the Lord showed her the meaning of her key and the thing He’s going to free her from.
After talking in amazement for some two hours, I fervently prayed over her, asking the Lord to make a way out for her and thanking Him for what He’s already done, and is doing, in her life. I declared that Satan has no power over her by tricking her into thinking she’s chained down by her sin for the rest of her life. A few tears were shed and we walked to our cabins that night praising God for what he had done.
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As if that was not enough, a girl from S Squad came up to me the next morning while we were in line for breakfast and pulled me aside for a hot second to tell me how much she admired me for getting up there and being raw, honest, and vulnerable; that most people wouldn’t have had the courage to do that. She told me that I’m a special individual for whom God has great things in store.
As if those two things were not enough, a girl from the 11n11 Squad came up to me during breakfast and told me pretty much the same thing.
And as if THOSE three things were not enough, one of the girls who did worship with me that night (won’t say the name for the sake of privacy) asked to be freed from her bondage of homosexuality the last night during a huge prayer session in which about 60 people all laid hands on each other in prayer for various things. I went up to her afterward to pray over her individually and she said it was because of what I said on stage the other night that gave her the courage to ask for prayer for that specific thing that night.
And for pete’s sake if THAT WERE NOT ENOUGH, another girl approached me the next morning and said that she struggles with the exact same thing, failed to check the boxes on the application, is now living with the consequences, and wants more than anything, to be freed from her bondage. She said that before I even opened my mouth to talk, she not only knew that I was about to share something but knew exactly what it was about (okay. What’s the probability of that happening without God’s intricate involvement?).
I have never in my life been used by God like that before. I’m sure He’s used me in incredible ways, but never in a way quite that tangible and evident before. He literally used me that night to open the door of freedom for at least three girls, and probably more people who didn’t come up to me. And what’s even cooler is that it’s almost like God gave me a foreshadowing during the home-church sermon of what would happen to me at The Awakening: being vulnerability on stage in front of 150 listeners and then people coming up to me afterwards to tell me how alone they feel in their struggle, only for a different person to come up to me and say the same thing (“nothing new under the sun”). If that doesn’t say anything about God’s goodness, I don’t know what does.
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For the longest time, I believed that my voice didn’t matter; that it’s not important. I’ve also questioned for years why God allowed me to struggle with homosexual tendencies when He literally speaks against it in his Word. Why me? Why this sin? What’s the point? What good is ever to come of it? Why did I have to struggle at Training Camp and feel so alone in this? Where was God in this? Why the ridiculous growth plan that didn’t seem to get me anywhere? Why the possibility of me not being able to launch after all this hard work and fundraising? Etc, etc.
Well I think I received answers to all my questions those couple days at The Awakening. Not just any answers, but satisfactory ones. I have complete, unexplainable peace about everything now and firmly believe that my years of struggling are worth it all if just one of those girls can experience the same freedom I’ve experienced. And none of that would have happened had God not given me the testimony I have. This kind of reminds me of the story of Joseph. Joseph probably questioned why God allowed him to be born into a family full of older brothers who passionately hated him; who went as far to throw him into a ditch, lie about killing him, and sell him into slavery. But who was working all things out for his good in the midst of his questioning? The Lord. In fact, the Lord was kind enough to use the sin of Joseph’s brothers for not only Joseph’s good, but ALL of their good once the famine came upon the land of Egypt. The Lord didn’t cause me to be born in this sin. He didn’t purposefully wire me this way just for the fun of it. Instead, we are all born into sin, and homosexuality isn’t any worse than the sin of lying—both fall short of the glory of God and cause harm to ourselves. But you know what God DID do? He used what Satan meant for evil and turned it into good; not just my good, but the good of three other girls at the awakening who struggle with the same thing, just like God blessing Joseph’s brothers through Joseph.
Your voice matters. Your testimony matters. Never underestimate how God can use you. If you think that your story (which, by the way, is God’s story) is useless, good-for-nothing, or incapable of changing the world, you’re wrong. Your story is God’s story so use it for his glory. Whether you’ve experienced a miraculous 180 degree change in your life as part of your testimony or whether you’ve lived what an average person would consider a “normal” or “uninteresting” life, no testimony is powerless. This is something I didn’t discover until the Race. In fact, I believed that my story fit in the “good-for-nothing” category because nothing “dramatic” has ever happened to me (like experiencing the death of both parents at a young age and finding my way through life on my own, for example); I didn’t place any importance on it because I failed to realize that it was the novel my Father in Heaven wrote specifically for me, in which He plays the protagonist who is kind enough to let me be his vessel in telling others about the incredible author.
If you are in a place where you are questioning God’s goodness, remember that He is not finished with you yet. His timing is perfect and your season of harvest is coming soon. In the meantime, wait patiently on the Lord as the Psalmist asks of us in chapter 27, verse 14: “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” He will most likely come when you least expect it (just like He did to me at The Awakening) because it’s His perfect timing, not our imperfect timing.
In Christ,
-Sam
