Finding my purpose on the Race has not been an easy task. It’s a hard question to answer because I’m just one of the thousands of missionaries around the world—a world full of millions of unreached people. What can my little, wee-sized self, accomplish amidst this vast sea (literally and figuratively) of people? I feel like a tiny, meaningless grain of sand being carried by the wind across an endless beach full of innumerable grains of sand—here today, gone tomorrow, leaving no impact on the passing sand underfoot.
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I left Thailand with a lot of regrets. I felt like I didn’t do as much as I could have done. I felt like I didn’t leave the impact I wanted to leave (or any impact at all). Yeh, we taught English to refugee children; sure, we unconditionally loved bucket loads of orphan kids at Agape Home; yes, we painted a classroom to create a welcoming environment for the students, and yep, we did pour our heart into Squad by serving them breakfast every morning the first month (check out my “Breakfast Time” blog). But did I (me, myself, my individual self, Sam) really leave a lasting impact in Thailand for the good of the Thai people?
I sat on my bed a couple days ago to ponder this troubling question. I was sitting in a puddle of tears when my loving teammate, Amy, came over and asked me to tell her exactly how I felt. My brain was jumping all over the map but, with the Lord’s help, I was able to share what I was feeling with almost complete accuracy. Slowly, one by one, the rest of my team came into the room (unplanned but orchestrated by God) surrounding me with their love and wisdom and casting my regrets and concerns into the sea by speaking truth, in love, over me.
Hannah told me to speak all the lies the enemy was telling me, and I listed them, tears running down my cheeks. Afterwards, she read them back to me and provided a truth to counter to almost every lie I listed to prove that they weren’t true. My teammates countered the biggest lie I believed (not feeling like I’m making an impact) by telling me what happened the day I missed ministry due to a visit to the hospital:
Not only did the Nannies at the orphanage miss me, but Noot (the seamstress for Samaritan’s Purse) went as far to say that the day was “wasted” when she found out that I wasn’t there to help her sew! I could hardly believe this. Had I really made that much of an impact in the sewing center, helping Noot make baggies for less-fortunate children at Christmas time, for her to say the day was “wasted” without me?**
Amy told me that my attention to detail greatly contributes to the team. Lilly told me that all the children yelled “where Saaam?!” the day I missed ministry. Brittany said that even though our team is so extremely diverse, each diversity is equally needed because we all contribute different things that complement each other. And Ashlynn said that all these things were true even though I struggled to believe them. After about an hour of my dear friends adamantly and passionately countering all the random lies in my head, they concluded by saying this (and I paraphrase):
“Sam, YOU ARE A SEED PLANTER. That’s what you are. You may not feel like you made a lasting difference in Thailand; you might feel like a worthless part of the team; and you might have left Thailand holding onto regrets; but you know what? You’re dropping seeds that will sprout and grow. A kind word….smiling to a stranger….learning Thai so you can speak with the natives? These are seeds. You seriously need to let those feelings/lies go because they’re not true. You DID make a difference in Thailand and God used you in ways you will never fully know. His grand plan is far above anything our finite minds can comprehend or even try to understand, and as such, who are you to assume that the work you did went unseen? Unheard? Unnoticed? You AREN’T in a place to make such a call. Your definition of ‘leaving an impact’ is completely different than God’s definition because you don’t know God’s plan. You don’t know how He’s using us crazy World Racers who left everything to serve Him for nine months halfway across the world in His grand scheme of things, nor do you know how He’s fitting the rest of life’s complexities together to create His masterpiece, of which YOU greatly contributed. So rejoice! God’s got this, and He’s got you, and He’s got the people you touched.”
Even though we don’t know the reason for most of the things that happen around us, we do know that they’re happening for our good and His glory, as Roman’s 8:28 teaches us. A kind word, wrestling to a sweat with little Thai boys on the trampoline, or even a smile, might do more than meets the eye. They are seeds. Seeds that are being scattered everywhere I go on the face of this planet. I could have changed someone’s life or gave them a spark of hope by just being me—and I’ll never know. That’s the beauty of God. He works in crazy weird ways that don’t make sense, but that we can trust are for our good. I thank God for these amazing women who speak truth over me and provide evidence as proof.
I left that conversation feeling greatly encouraged. Encouraged not only in knowing that the work I did in Thailand was not in vain but also knowing that I have the power (with the Lord) to make just as much of a difference in Malaysia (if not, BIGGER!). God knew I needed the comfort of my team and so he orchestrated that specific conversation only day two in Malaysia (yes, we arrived safely! 🙂 so that I could be encouraged, refreshed, and start ministry in Malaysia with a completely new and improved perspective on finding my purpose here. Praise God! And thank you, T.O.T.S, for your amazing, one-of-a-kind support!
In Christ,
-Sam
**many thanks, mom, for teaching me how to sew as a kid! Little did I know I’d be able to apply my skills across seas!?!
