Dear Praise,
You’ve been on the race for almost eight months and your not happy. It’s not the race it’s amazing it’s hard but it’s good. No your not happy with who you are and I don’t think you’ve really ever been. Growing up you saw yourself in a light that wasn’t the best and if your being honest you didn’t like yourself. You didn’t like what you saw or who you where, but most of all you didn’t like the things you couldn’t control. You’ve always had dreams of the person you could be, if that person was nothing like you. You struggled seeing yourself as someone smart or worthy of love. No matter how many nice things were spoken over you it couldn’t same to outweigh your views. Your lack of faith bleed into so many areas of your life until it felt like you were carrying around a rock that you could never same to get off. How badly you wanted to be enough for yourself. So I think deep down inside when you signed up for the race you thought it you would give you this perspective of yourself and you would finally love that person you are, not realize a change of scenery doesn’t change the deeper issues. Why is that? Why am I so scared of being loved? Why do I run though I want to rest? Why can I have faith in everyone but myself, crippled with anxiety for the future that’s out of my control and with a past that can’t leave me alone. I don’t want to be this persona and I’ve been asking God why I’m this way and yet I’m scared of what He’s going to say. You might be asking why am I sharing this, and it’s because right now I feel overwhelmed with the realization that I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay. I can’t expect to be a person who will eventually love herself if I’m not honest that I don’t right now. I know that might seem harsh or dramatic but it’s the truth and I will not leave this race with a mindset like that, because I know my God has way more for me then my fear and my doubts and my lack of faith.
