A poem of my relationship with God at the moment.
Yeah a poem.. I was conflicted on the effectiveness and purpose of posting this. However, as usual, God is pulling me in the direction that I am leaning away from. That direction is vulnerability. In a metaphorical sense, I see myself free falling away from vulnerability, but what was once toxic, is now nurturing to me.
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:11-12 ESV
I was a child, hiding my face from the spotlight of reality, what was protruding onto the stage, a silhouette of what I wanted to be seen as, only allowing light to resemble what might be true, but most likely isn’t. A man lives in the light, unafraid of conviction due to the undying justification in submission to Christ. I’ve been preachy in former blogs, and I’d like to disclaim any misunderstood self righteous motives that may have been perceived. Because here is the deal- “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” -Matthew 13:44 ESV. I found that treasure, and I wanted to share that with all of you so badly. If you want some of that, go to my recent blogs, because this is just going to be an update on how I am and some vulnerability on my walk with the Lord right now.
This poem is called “a faintly burning wick he will not quench”. Isaiah 42:3. This is a verse I’ve held tightly since training camp, and the Lord has spoken it to me twice. Lately my faith has been exactly that. Just enough to doubt, and believe at the same time. On one end of the spectrum, i cannot neglect the reality of God, because he has made himself undeniable to me. On the other end, i can’t seem to feel what I know, or believe what I know. It’s difficult because there is no knowledge that can transform your spirit or give you power over the sovereignty of God. It’s solely his will, and he has me in the fire right now. I’ve always been one to think I knew God, but that was my creation, and now he wants to show me who he says he is.
Poem
I live, but do I love, do I resent the things from above. Duty is not love.
Is there a twist in the pupil of my eyes,
that distorts deception
lust and gluttony becomes milk and honey
Eternity is the sun beating down on the days of our lives.
Lighting our days with wisdom.
Our treasure, our joy, it is not a ploy, and do not toy with my heart O God. See my mind can’t find a way to unwind the puncturing truth of what you designed.
I live in moments, not days or hours, pausing the free fall, when I forget my desires.
Apathy fires away at my heart as the darts of complacency stick into my conscience.
Heavier it weighs, as my mind replays the unrighteous motives that my actions portray.
Leaning on the truth that I don’t understand, but I’ll try and pretend, so I can keep my toes in the eternal spring that flows forever in the kingdom of heaven.
Do we really understand the size in which God is compared to prize that our eyes despise as we deny our lives in duty, not love, forsaking blessings from above, drinking dirt, digesting the doubt, while we make lists of what we can’t live without, only to be killed by the time it takes to rewind our mind, and reflect our regrets.
The inertia of human nature is a dive from the sky towards the depths of hell.
This is the weight of sin.
Some of us are the closest to hell that we will ever be.
Some of us are the closest to heaven that we will ever be.
This alone is currency to the land of boldness in Christ.
A man is moved by what he cares about.
It’s the rudder of his spirit.
The boat has holes.
Get somewhere fast before you sink.
A morning rise, I begin my descent, to a humble lowliness, Helpless content.
Adventure!
This last weekend, me and my team hiked up Volcán Acatenango. It’s the 3rd largest volcano in Central America. With an elevation of just over 13,000 feet, it was no easy task. For a droning 6.5 hours, we trekked up the dirt ridden trail to summit. It was the hardest hike I’ve ever done, and at the same time, the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. After reaching camp at the top, we settled in and dropped our 30lbs packs. 
What a relief as we still had the remaining hour and more to the summit. We took a three hour nap after the first portion of the hike, before taking off. It was much needed as our heads were spinning and our legs were exhausted. Fuego boomed in the distance ejecting lava and ash high into the sky while simultaneously sending shockwaves from the blast across the valley to bounce our hearts. 
it was about 60 degrees farenheight at camp, and as we began our trek up the summit, it decreased further. Through ash and dust we trudged up the trail to the peak. Every step forward concluded with a half step slide backward. We picked our steps wisely as we journeyed through trails hugged by drop offs and cliffs boasting hundreds of feet. 
On the final portion of the climb, we weathered the wind and clouds that seemed to blow right through us. 
After the last few steps, all weight was lifted, as my team and I walked above the clouds. 
Fuego errupting sent an ash cloud into the heavens. There’s not much to be said about the peak that can justify its beauty.
A mars like atmosphere brought a foreign state of mind. Things I knew existed became more real than ever. thrill, amazement, freedom, admiration.
This is who God is. His creation, and in us. The beauty of God is undeniable. Look for it. After the summit, we hiked back down in about a quarter of the time. The once despised ash became our best friends as we jumped like moon men in between each step. Like we were running down a hill of snow, and so my thinned blood turned thick with invincibility. As my team and I strided down the volcano, Joe caught a little too much speed and frontflipped into the ash. Face first, a boy in a blue sweatshirt tomahawked through the air before landing safely in the ash. We finished our run down the mountain and bundled up back at base camp as temperatures dropped further. The fire cracked and we cooked our meals as anticipated most of the afternoon. I made sure that I brought some corn up there as to not forget where I came from. 
It was great, some of the other guys cooked steaks and others made tortillas filled with peanut butter, avocado, and nuts. Through the night as we sat around the fire, fuego erupted continually.
That consisted of Blake, Will and I sleeping 3 deep in a 2 person tent in order to stay warm. I put on all of the clothes I brought and lined my sleeping bag with clothes that wouldn’t fit in it. It was a cozy warm night despite the 30 degree weather outside our thin lined tent. We woke up around 5:45am to see the sunrise before trekking down.
The sun shines through the lining of clouds that our oasis rested above. The hike down took about 2 hours. A ridiculous comparison to the 6 hours up. Weak legs and empty stomaches sat around as we waited for our ride home. The climb was long but every step promised something we couldn’t see. Fueled by the future but living in the moment, we started at the bottom fearful of our performance to the top. The only thing that really mattered was that we kept going. The same with our faith. We take steps everyday, weary and contrite, we keep going for the promise that is ahead. We can’t see it, and we never will if we don’t keep going. Be aware of your circumstances, but dont let them define you. You’re tired, exhausted, and maybe you don’t even think you will make it to the top. You might believe the top of the mountain doesn’t even exist. Then ask yourself where you are going.
Blake B told me about how he and his friends used to put rocks in each other bags while they were hiking so that they would get to the top and wonder why their bag kept getting heavier and heavier. As lighthearted and funny as that is. I think that we often times make others carry our baggage to the top, when we have plenty of space in our own. Maybe we are bringing things that we don’t even need. Free yourself from the baggage that weighs you down, which is sin. Free those around from the weight you make them carry. I’m not talking burdens, (Galatians 6) because we are commanded to carry those joyfully. I’m taking about the toxicities we hold over each other. The ungodly expectations of self comfort before suffering for each other our of love.
