For some reason, I am struggling with writing this blog this week. A lot has happened this week and I am still processing and learning about myself, Jesus, Holy Spirit and ministry. So with all that I hesitate to write.
The crazy thing is that a lady in Belize prophesied over me. She asked me if I was a writer. I immediately recoil inside. No way am I a writer…then Jesus brought to mind my newspaper days when my teacher said that I was a good writer (even though I originally joined newspaper because of friends and the hope to take pictures).
Then this lady says more; she tells me to journal and that healing would come through journaling. I must confess, I feel like this blog is my journal. Because honestly, I always finish it thinking that was more than I wanted to share. But I keep pressing on.
So my main point is that I am processing a lot this month. Maybe it’s because I’m living with a lot of new people and my insecurities are coming out more than ever. Maybe it’s because ministry is not what I expected. Maybe it’s because this is the longest I have been away from the familiar.
Whatever it is I know Jesus is changing my heart. I am recognizing that I have a fear of rejection that is even a barrier in my relationship with Jesus. But also it’s a barrier to opening myself to people who want to know me. I am recognizing that I compare myself. I compare my relationships with people and my relationship with God.
I’m learning more and more about what living in the Spirit really means. I’m learning about listening to Holy Spirit and to rest in His presence. I am learning to ask Him what He thinks of me rather than looking to others for affirmation.
Last week I wrote in my journal:
‘Nothing can ruin God’s plan. I can participate in it when I listen and radically obey. Even still, obedience is not about doing but about being in His sweet presence.’
Today, He gently said to me from Isaiah 54, “‘though the mountains move and the hills shake, my love will not be removed from you and my covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says your compassionate LORD.”
Isn’t that beautiful? God is so tender and loving. In my processing, God is still pursuing me and loving me. And He doesn’t expect me to do more but rather to rest in His tenderness and love. God is so good.
Thanks for supporting me and loving me. I love you all!
